Self Love Masterclass #14

 We are more than our bodies.

Have you looked at photographs of yourself and thought, “OMG. I look so fat. I need to lose weight!”

YOU ARE MORE THAN A BAD PHOTO OF YOURSELF.

And we are more than our physical appearance.

We have developed this terrible tendency of longing after the bodies of other people. We follow excessive fitness and celebrity accounts on Instagram, admire models in magazines and become envious of every Victoria’s Secret model after their annual fashion show. We fixate on our “flaws”, strive to transform our bodies to look exactly like the person we wish we were and hate ourselves when we fall short.

Sad, isn’t it? We’ve become used to loving the bodies of others and have grown to hate our own. I’d be lying if I said I was not guilty of such a thing. For years, I destroyed myself mentally by hating the person I was physically. I’d wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and grab onto my stomach in disgust.

“Why can’t I be skinnier? Why can't I look like ‘so and so’?”

The questions were endless and depressing. All of a sudden, I realized that throwing a pity party every day was becoming quite sad, depressing, and unhealthy. I was longing after this “healthy” (translation “perfect”) body, but my mental health took a backseat, as well as my self-esteem. Hating my body wasn't getting me anywhere.

I’ve seen the same happen to plenty of people around me over the years. We want to look a certain way, so we take extreme measures to get there —anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, etc.

When did being healthy mean we had to self-destruct in the process?

Being healthy is not just about having abs, being at an ideal weight and eating salad.

Enjoying life, loving the body you are in (regardless of shape/size/color) and having balance is what makes us healthy.

IT IS TIME TO LOVE YOURSELF!

I cannot stress the importance of that enough. At the end of the day, you are you. We are not the number on the scale. We are not fat or bones or whatever else we may call ourselves.

We are human beings with our own likes, dislikes, goals, talents and much more. Maintaining our physical health is important, but keeping our mental health is the key.

We need to love every part of ourselves — the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly — unconditionally. No one is perfect, not even the photo-shopped celebrities in the magazines we wish we looked like. If you decide to embark on a health journey or are already on one, understand that it isn’t all about the workouts and the proper nutrition.

Our journey is a chance for us to accept ourselves for all that we are, to better ourselves in ways that we’ve always wanted and to be doing it for the right reasons.

STOP doing things you don’t like, STOP punishing your body for being a body. START living life the way you want and LOVE yourself along the way. There is too much hatred in this world… the last thing you should be doing is adding more.

Here are some tips for increasing self love:

1. Call out what you see

We’re swamped with images these days, most of which have been heavily photo-shopped. A lot of the images we end up comparing ourselves to are not even real bodies. We see ourselves from the moment we wake up, tired and puffy eyed – we only see other people putting their best foot forward. No one is perfect. We all have off-days and we all have things about ourselves we don’t like. Remind yourself of that next time you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else.

2. Choose what you look at

Subliminal messages sneak into our subconscious without us noticing it. On social media, unfollow any of the brands or magazines that imply anyone should ever change themselves or improve their appearance. Fortunately, people are starting to call out this behavior and promote healthier body image with hashtags like #bodypositive. Remember: there is no perfect body or bikini body – there are simply bodies!

3. Start loving your body exactly as it is, however hard it feels

It’s easy to say things like you’re going to feel happier with your body when you get in better shape. But the truth is, you’re much more likely to start treating your body better when you like it. Start working on loving your body first – that’s true self-acceptance. 

4. Be YOU

You don’t have to be perfect, you simply have to be you. And when you’re comfortable being you, then you shine. Being authentic is the most attractive quality there is. Find a vibe or look that makes you feel comfortable and ignore the rest. Trends mis-sell the idea that we have to dress or appear a certain way in order to be attractive. The best thing you can be is you.

5. Celebrate your body as an instrument not an ornament

Run, swim, dance, laugh! Celebrate all the amazing things your body does for you everyday.

6. Indulge your body

Whether it’s a restorative yoga class, a weekly massage or a trip to the nail salon…. Do something different and indulgent that makes you feel good. Eat that steak dinner!

7. Stop your inner critic in its tracks

Most of us are much harder on ourselves than we would ever be with friends. Next time your inner critic rears its ugly head, call it out and make a list of the things you love about yourself instead.

8. Make peace with your body and become friends. 

Speak to your body like you would your best friend. 

Self Love Masterclass #13

If I had to guess, I’d say that human beings have been comparing themselves to one another since the beginning of time.

Sometimes these comparisons can be helpful. They can give you a baseline for improvement and inspire you to change.

Other times, they can be a means to pick yourself apart and see everything that you think is wrong with yourself.

Comparison has been a constant experience for me. I note my friends’ successes or an Social Media influencer figure and feel envious. Or a photographer who has a different editing style or is great at composite images in Photoshop.

When I was younger, I met a girl – I will call her Adrienne.

She was everything I wasn’t. Or everything I thought I wasn’t. Bright, funny, outgoing. She was beautiful. She had a perfect body (in my eyes). People adored her instantly, and luck always seemed to land squarely at her feet.

Adrienne quickly became one of my close friends. Despite our deep bond, her beauty always tore me apart.

She was like a mirror, but all I could see were my shortcomings staring back at me.

Everything I achieved felt tainted by her achievements, which, somehow, always seemed superior. I could never measure up, no matter how hard I tried. It crushed me on a daily basis.

I might have expected these feelings at 16, but I was 30, a grown-up. But Adrienne brought my insecurities into sharp focus.

On an intellectual level, I knew there were things that were great about me. But emotionally, I just couldn’t get there.

By comparison, everything in my life seemed less than. I wasn’t as pretty nor as fun. I wasn’t as fearless nor as talented. I didn’t have as many friends, and I wasn’t as appealing to the opposite sex.

My confidence was taking a beating, and I felt truly worthless. All of these feelings were amplified by the guilt I had for feeling this way about a friend. I sought practical advice from my mentor that I could use to help me get past these feelings.

I knew that I was going to need some serious help to get over this.

Here is what I learned from this experience.

Name your inner critic

Debbie, my mentor, cut right to the chase and explained something important to me: Naming something gives it less power.

Debbie had me give my inner critic — that critical voice inside that points out all of my perceived inadequacies — a name and identify the voice, who was behind the voice.

I recognized quickly that it was my own voice, I named her Stella, and as we got better acquainted, I discovered she was particularly nasty. Stella wanted me to think I was never good enough.

She liked to remind me that I often let fear get the better of me, that I could stand to lose a few pounds, and that I’m an awkward mess in big groups.

It was agonizing to hear how I’d let this voice in my head berate me. Now that I’d given her a name, I could recognize when she spoke up.

I could begin the next crucial step in freeing myself from the comparison trap: starting a conversation with her.

Be your own best friend 

I’ve always considered myself a good friend, but Debbie pointed out that I wasn’t being a particularly good friend to myself.

“How would you comfort a friend in a crisis?” she asked me.

I replied that I would sit with her and discuss her feelings. I’d comfort her and remind her what a great person she is. I’d probably give her a great big hug.

Debbie told me that when Stella gets in the driver’s seat, I need to speak to her with love and understanding.

When Stella popped up in my head, I started a conversation. I’d ask Stella how she was feeling and why she might be feeling that way. I’d empathize with her, offer her words of encouragement, and remind her of all the reasons she’s great.

Debbie, my mentor, had one simple rule: “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.”

By following this rule, I started to understand where some of my insecurities were coming from. I was able to unpack why Adrienne triggered these feelings in me.

I came to realize that both of us were at similar points in life and that she was excelling in the exact areas I felt I was failing.

Keep a record of achievements

When we compare ourselves to others, we focus on all of their strengths and achievements and ignore our own. That’s why Debbie encouraged me to keep a record of all the good things I had done.

It didn’t matter what they were: If it was something I felt proud of, I made a record of it. Soon, I had a bulging notebook of things I had accomplished over the weeks.

If I aced a project at work, I recorded it. If I helped a friend in a crisis, I wrote it down. If I dragged myself to the gym on a morning I really didn’t want to go, I wrote it down.

Looking at all I had achieved, both big and small, boosted my self-esteem. I felt a swell of pride. Adrienne was great, I realized, but in so many wonderful ways, so was I.

Practice self-care

Running a hot bath and pouring yourself a hot cup of tea be great self-care, but we can take it even further. Self-care can involve honest and a self inventory.

It’s a process of looking inward and seeing what you find. Debbie encouraged me to keep a journal and jot down my thoughts, particularly when I was in a self-esteem spiral downward.

Once those thoughts were on the page, I had the power to observe them and decide whether or not they were true or just a result of me feeling inadequate.

I was able to unpack them and understand where they may have come from, what triggered them, and it was incredibly freeing.

It wasn’t always easy. Confronting some of my darker feelings was hard, but looking them straight in the eye gave me the power to begin moving forward.

Be proactive

My comparison journey didn’t end there.

Yes, I felt clearer on my unique talents, skills, and qualities. I was much more confident, and I no longer saw Adrienne as my rival. I felt lighter. My friends noticed that I seemed to be feeling better about myself.

I wasn’t weighed down by feelings of inadequacy anymore or worrying about hiding my jealousy. I could celebrate Adrienne's successes, as well as my own.

Comparing myself made me feel lost. It had deprived me of joy and made me feel miserable. The self-doubt I was feeling played out in other areas of my life.

I wasn’t always present with friends because I was playing the comparison game in my head. Relationships were doomed to failure because I didn’t feel good about myself from the start.

Once Debbie helped me gain the tools, I had a clearer focus on what I wanted in life and how I could get it. I didn’t feel burdened by the self-doubt that had held me back before. Shaking off comparison had allowed me to enjoy life again.

Working with these tools is an ongoing practice. Even now, I know I need to keep up that self-talk with Stella and continue adding to my record of achievements. I know it’s important to regularly look inward to confront uncomfortable emotions.

Breaking free from comparison is not a linear journey. There are bumps in the road, moments of insecurity, and doubt. But maintaining the practice that Debbie taught me has helped keep my self-esteem on an even keel.

There will always be someone prettier, more talented, intelligent, bubbly, or outgoing. For me, the trick is knowing the unique value of what I bring to the table.

I challenge you to write down all your successes and accomplishments for 30 days. Buy a notebook or journal and write them down. Daily. Every day we have success! Even if it is “I got out of bed when I didn't want to.” Write it down!

Self Love Masterclass #12

​The most tragic misunderstanding of our time:

I struggled as a new Mom. My old, familiar life had vanished overnight and I felt lost and insecure. 

Furthermore, I never experienced that instant connection with my child and required a few weeks to slowly develop motherly love.

But one day, while I was sitting on the sofa rocking my son to sleep in my arms, I looked at him and suddenly realised how infinitely worthy and valuable he was.

Yet, he wasn’t famous, influential or wealthy. He wasn’t successful, had no University qualifica- tions or impressive achievements.

He just was worthy. He didn’t need to be or do anything. He was worth magnified.

And that’s when I started to understand that, all this time, I had been the victim of an enormous (and disastrous) misunderstanding!

Self-worth cannot be increased through our actions or achievements. 

We cannot force ourselves to overcome feelings of unworthiness. 

And it’s also unnecessary.

Because our commonly accepted concept of self-worth is flawed. 

The surprising truth about self-worth

We usually define self-worth as the perception of our own worth.

The problem is that our industrialised societies focus intensely on competition, materialism, image, prestige, power, achievement, beauty and fame.

Hence, our worth becomes externally dictated. We are assigned a certain level of worth based on our bank account balance, (society defined) success level, popularity or usefulness (to society).

If you don’t fulfil the criteria, you have no worth. If you work hard and achieve greatness, you gain worth. If you fail or make a mistake your worth is diminished. Simple as that!

But if that was actually true, my son would be completely worthless!

And that’s when I finally realised that the elusive self-worth I had been chasing for most of my life is not a character trait, physical feature or invisible muscle. It isn’t even an emotion.

Self-worth is awareness. Nothing else.

The awareness of our true inner worth. We ARE worth personified. Every one of us.

This realization was the fundamental step to healing my self-worth.

Have you ever looked at a newborn baby and thought: “This thing is worthless! Let’s hope he will grow up to be smart, attractive or famous so he can earn some worth in time.”

Or have you ever watched a toddler stand in front of a mirror in a sparkly dress and tell herself: “You even make this gorgeous dress look atrocious. You are so ugly, fat and pathetic.”

Honestly, I would be shocked if you have! At the beginning of our lives we just know that we ARE worth!

We trust that the world is an amazing, friendly place and understand that the Universe caters to all our needs because we deserve safety, love and happiness.

We incessantly fight for what we want and we express ourselves confidently (and loudly) in order to achieve our goals.

We don’t care what others think of us, we aren’t bothered about making mistakes. We just try again!

We are proud of the tiniest achievement. We know we are awesome. We even love our poo... because we made it!

But then life happens. We are exposed to society’s values and judgements. 

We experience failure, disappointment, criticism and rejection. We start to doubt our worth because others don’t seem to see it.

And little by little the awareness of our true inner worth disappears. We forget our true self. Low self-worth is born. 

We then struggle through life unknowingly suffering from worth amnesia!

But here is the deal! You ARE worth by default. It’s a pre-existing feature. It is who you are!

Your true inner worth is infinite. And because it is limitless, it can never disappear. Yes, you might FEEL unworthy, inferior or undeserving because you have no memory of your true worth. But you ARE still worth. 

Always! Forever. No exceptions!

And now is the time to remember it!

Repeat daily to yourself: I am infinitely Worth! 

Self Love Masterclass #11

 People with high levels of self-compassion demonstrate four behaviors:

1. They are kind rather than judgmental about their own failures and mistakes

2. They recognize that failures are a shared human experience

3. They take a balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble or fall short

4. They allow themselves to feel bad, but they don’t let negative emotions take over.

Self-compassion is a positive attitude we can have towards ourselves. Having self-compassion means being able to relate to yourself in a way that’s forgiving, accepting, and loving when situations might be less than optimal. We know that it’s similar to, but less permanent than, self-love and that it’s different from self-esteem, but how do we show self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.

We can start by thinking about how we would treat others that we care about. So while we can’t always take away others’ pain, we can validate its existence and provide support to help them get through it and grow.

Let yourself make mistakes. Self-kindness says: “I'm human and so is everybody else. And that’s okay.” Rather than interpreting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as who we are, we can let ourselves off the hook when we might do the same for others. If a friend gets lazy and doesn’t answer your phone call, you probably won’t instantly assume they’re a bad person. Giving yourself permission to be human once in a while is one way to accept your flaws, and remind yourself that we are all imperfect, you are not alone.

Care for yourself as you’d treat others. This is about being understanding and empathetic towards yourself. If a friend is feeling down, hurt, or upset, you might physically pat them on the back or hold their hand. Along with tender, forgiving language - even using terms of endearment to yourself like “darling” or “sweetheart” - these gestures can lead us to feeling self-kindness even if we’re initially reluctant. Go slow with the terms of endearment if it seems weird at first.

Use “Releasing Statements”. These statements are closely related to self-forgiveness and tap into the mindfulness concept of detached non-judgment. When you catch yourself thinking a negative thought like “I’m such a horrible person for getting upset”, try turning it around and release yourself from the feeling. Instead, try “It’s okay that I felt upset”. “It's okay that I made a mistake.”

Try self-acceptance. This means embracing our own perceived shortcomings as well as our character strengths. Self-compassion is about not over-inflating these shortcomings into a definition of who we are—rather, thoughts and feelings are behaviors and states of being.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness practices are a good way to center ourselves in the moment. Not only is mindfulness one of self-compassion’s core constructs, but a lot of exercises such as yoga and deep breathing can be used anytime, anywhere. I recommend guided nurturing meditations – I use an app called Insight Timer. Search for self-compassion guided meditations.

Don't judge yourself so quickly. Stop expecting yourself to behave a certain way. It’s easy to assume things like “I get really grumpy and antisocial on flights”, which sometimes prevents the possibility that you’ll act a different way. This is once again about treating yourself as you would others, and just a future-focused way to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Believing we act a certain way “because... I'm hangry/didn't get enough sleep/etc” is reinforcement of a negative belief about ourselves.

Let go of the need for external validation. Much of our negative beliefs comes from how others perceive us. If we’re beating ourselves up for eating something, for instance, a lot of that self-directed anger stems from social pressures, like the pressure to look a certain way or maintain a certain weight. Choosing not to tie our happiness to outside influences is an act of self-kindness with a much larger impact.

Reach out to others. This might sound like the opposite of the above, but in fact, this technique is more about placing our feelings in context. When we talk with others, we realize that we’re not alone in feeling pain at different times. It’s an important part of reaffirming our sense of being connected, rewording our perceived problems with the ‘bigger picture’ in mind, and building social support networks that are priceless to our well-being.

Exercise: How would you treat a friend?

Take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:

1. First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.

2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

4. Write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

Practice kindness and compassion for yourself today!

Self-Love Masterclass - #10

​The devastating effects of low self-worth on your life

Most people know that lack of self-worth causes low confidence, shyness, self-doubt or an inability to assert oneself. But its symptoms go so much deeper. They affect every area of our life (often without our knowledge). 

Social anxiety, fear of rejection and a people pleasing tendency all arise from the deep belief that we are unlovable. Unworthy of other people's love, respect and approval.

Feeling like a fraud, fear of judgement, failure and humiliation and the constant worry what others might think about us originate in the conviction that we aren't good enough. And that others can see it written on our forehead.

If we beat ourselves up for our mistakes, are terrified of criticism and only accept perfection from ourselves, we subconsciously think that every misstep will obliterate our hard-earned worth. 

And if somebody bullies us, is condescending or controlling, they do it because they only feel good about themselves if they make others feel inferior to them.

Low self-worth causes a massive amount of problems and struggles in our life. And it is all based on one catastrophic misconception...


The common (and disastrous) misconception of our worth 

You see, Western society buys into the concept that every person is inherently without worth. But we can earn, gain or prove our worth by contributing to society and fulfilling certain criteria. 

These criteria vary between different countries and demographics. But overall, they are excessively focused on wealth, status, popularity and possessions.

This means, we can increase our worth by earning more money, obtaining qualifications, winning esteem and prestige and accumulating belongings.

Furthermore, other people's admiration, love and approval as well as success, triumph and achievements will enhance our worth.

Feeling worthy, deserving and "worthwhile" is a basic human need.

But we grow up being told that we are inherently devoid of any worth. This belief leaves a bottomless emptiness in our heart that pains us every day. Our deepest desire (whether we are aware of it or not) is therefore to stop the craving and suffering caused by our alleged lack of worth.

So, we devote our lives to the pursuit of worth. We work hard, burn ourselves out to be "better" and prioritize everybody and everything else above ourselves.

Striving to be the perfect partner, the perfect employee, boss, parent, friend. Struggling to have the perfect home, perfect body, perfect life.

And we live in constant fear.

Because we believe that every misstep, every failure, mistake and shortcoming will diminish our worth.

And we know we aren't good enough to get it all right. Sooner or later we will mess up, people will see that we are a fraud and our hard-earned worth will be obliterated.

Gone. Leaving us worthless once again.

So, most of our suffering originates in the relentless, obsessive and often hopeless chase for more worth. In the unbearable doubt whether we will ever be good enough the earn any worth. The crippling horror of losing the measly bit of worth we managed to scrape together. And the soul-crushing shame of being condemned to an unworthy existence now and forever more.

But, all this suffering is unnecessary. Because the assumption of our inherent unworthiness is WRONG.


The eye-opening truth about your worth

I don't know who started it, where it came from or who's to blame.

But, at some point during our society's development, we lost the truth. We simply forgot it. And we filled the memory gap with a myth. 

Over the centuries, this myth of our inherent worthlessness has commonly been accepted as our reality. We are worthless. That's just how it is.

But it's not true.

You are not an underachiever or failure. You are not "impossible to love", unacceptable or a social misfit. You are not a victim or people pleaser. You are not an anxious worrier, fraud or pessimist. You are not useless, small or insignificant.

You are not unworthy of happiness and a better life.

And you can NEVER be worthless!

Because the truth is that you ARE worth. Personified.

Worth is the essence of your Being. You are born 100% worth and you will die 100% worth. And nothing you do in between can change anything about your unlimited worth. Because it is inherent to you and doesn't depend on your actions, achievements or mess-ups.

You ARE worth. No matter what.

So, your real problem isn't that you are worthless. That's impossible. The real issue is that you have forgotten all about your infinite, inherent, unconditional worth.

So, speak after me: "I AM worth."

Make this affirmation your new mantra. Your way out of misery, hopelessness and suffering. Repeat it as often as you can. Treasure the words in your heart. Feel their meaning resonate in your soul.

"I AM worth".

Because that's the truth.

Self Love Masterclass - Day 9

Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.

Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy. It’s neither selfish, nor self-indulgent, and neither egotism, nor narcissism. Actually, egotists and narcissists don’t love themselves at all.

A “big ego” is compensation for lack of self-love. Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together). Love is an art form that takes dedication and practice, not something you win or fall into. Rather, being able to love is an ability that has to be developed. It involves effort and begins with learning to love yourself.

We have been influenced by Christian beliefs that we’re basically sinful, and thus self-love has been considered sinful. But since we are suppose to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” how can loving your neighbor be a virtue and self-love be a vice? We are part of a humanity as worthy of love as the next person. Many kind, religious people are able to love others, but unable to love themselves. They believe having a high regard for themselves is indulgent, conceited, arrogant, or selfish. The opposite is true. The greater is your love of self, the greater will be your love of others. The inverse is also true; hatred of others is indicative of self-hatred.

When you love someone, you try to understand their experience and world view, although it differs from your own. You offer your attention, respect, support, compassion, and acceptance. Your caring involves knowledge, responsibility and commitment. These virtues are not separate from each other, because love is unified. As we develop these abilities, our capacity to love ourselves and others grows.

Developing the abilities of attention and compassion require discipline and time. To learn anything requires that you desire it and find it worthy of your effort. Although self-love is certainly an important goal, our society is full of distractions, and its emphasis on speed, performance, and productivity make developing self-love a challenge. Meditation, yoga, martial arts are helpful in learning self-awareness and focusing attention.

Compassion for yourself enables you to witness your feelings, thoughts, and actions with acceptance, caring, and understanding as you would when empathizing with another. Compassion is expressed with gentleness, tenderness, and generosity of spirit – quite the opposite of self-criticism, perfectionism, and pushing oneself. When most people are stressed, overwhelmed, or exhausted, they attempt to do even more, instead of caring for themselves. If you weren’t nurtured as a child, self-nurturing can be absorbed in therapy over time. You’ll learn to integrate the acceptance and empathy offered by your therapist. Self-compassion differs from self-pity, which is a judgment about your situation or feelings. Rather than acceptance and compassion, self-pity says, “It shouldn’t be this way.”

Self-love entails faith and courage to take risks and overcome life’s setbacks and sorrows. Faith in yourself enables you to comfort yourself and face challenges and failures without lapsing into worry or judgment. You develop the ability to see yourself objectivity and know you’ll survive, despite present emotions. If you constantly seek validation and reassurance from others, you miss the opportunity to develop these internal functions.

As knowledge is per-requisite to love, spending time alone with yourself is essential to identify and listen to your feelings with sensitivity and empathy. Acquiring the ability to witness and contain your emotions are also abilities necessary for self-love.

Perhaps you’ve concluded that learning self-love isn’t easy. Look at it this way. Throughout the day, you’re confronted with many opportunities to disregard or acknowledge/embrace your feelings, to judge or to honor them, to keep commitments and be responsible to yourself, and to act in accordance with your needs, values, and feelings.

You have an opportunity to learn self-love all the time. Every time you talk yourself down, doubt yourself, exhaust yourself, dismiss your feelings or needs, or act against your values, you undermine your self-esteem. The reverse is also true. You might as well make healthier choices, because you and all your relationships will benefit.

Become mindful of your feelings. Decide that you want 100% responsibility for the ways in which you may be causing your own pain, and for creating your own peace and joy.

Assignment:

Turn off the TV, unplug from social media, and any other noise or distractions - for 15 minutes - to get centered, while moisturizing your skin slowly, with intention. As you massage your feet, thank them for getting you to where you need to go; as you moisturize your hands, love them for all the transactions and introductions they've helped you with throughout your life. For a moment, stop taking your body for granted and give yourself gratitude.

Once you are done moisturizing, sit in silence, alone for 15 minutes. Let your thoughts flow freely. Listen for your Spirit, for your Higher Power's (higher self/universe) message. Listen for a loving message. Let your Higher Power's love wrap around you. Envision sitting in your Higher Power's lap. His/Her arms wrapped around you, hugging and loving you. Unconditionally. Feel this love. You have 15 minutes to feel the connection on a deep level.

Self-love Masterclass - Day 8

 I forgot to post for yesterday. And I forgive myself for it. 

I was researching and developing today's email and stumbled upon this Self-Love Quiz:

https://pathofselflove.org/assessments/self-love-quiz/

And here are the scores for my "5 Gates of Self Love":

Being Compassionate With Myself 26 out of 35

Loving My Body 27 

out of 35

Living My Heart & Soul Desires 30 

out of 35

Having Loving Respectful Relationships 33 

out of 35

Taking Care of Myself 34 

out of 35

Here's proof I am on this journey with you. Practicing being compassionate is difficult some days! In the past 2 years my health has deteriorated due to Lupus, Diabetes, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. 

In my mind, I am still capable of the things I did 2 years ago - exercise and lift weights, go hiking, go to dances, etc. Except - when I try to do those same things now, there are consequences - I'm super exhausted for 2-3 days, swelling and pain in my joints. I become angry at myself for
1. aging (I'm 58)
2. Having 3 auto-immune diseases 

3. making poor decisions when younger - in my mind - I blame my poor choices on my health issues now. 

All of which I am powerless over. I have committed to being more kind and compassionate to myself - per the previous self-love email. 

I would never tell my best friend, "your health issues are all your fault. You're old. You made really poor choices years ago and now you pay the price! Suck it up cupcake!" 

In fact, I would do the opposite. I would be loving, comforting, and empathetic. 

Even more so - I would practice some spiritual principles and do what I can to help her in her bad days. I would check in on her more often. And most of all I would love and hug her. 

Why do I/we have a struggle in doing these things for ourselves? 

Playing the victim is a dangerous place to be. 

Furthermore, survivors of abuse (I am) do not learn self-care or self-love. What I learned instead is quite the opposite – abuse to myself. 

Emotionally beating myself, placing unrealistic demands on myself, being self destructive with alcohol, drugs, food, work, money, sex and love addiction, in my choices in relationships, self-harming behaviors or attempted suicide or in feeling suicidal. 

One thing has become abundantly clear: the inability to value, nurture or love myself.

How do we learn to treat ourselves differently? 

In my own experience, it has taken a lot of practice over time. I began a journey of spirituality based in love and forgiveness, and slowly identified negative beliefs that live deep inside me, such as "I am not good enough. I’m unlovable. I’m ashamed. I’m inadequate,"

The following are examples of negative beliefs: 

• I don’t deserve love; 
• I am worthless; 
• I cannot trust myself; 
• I am a disappointment; 
• I did something wrong; 
• I am different; 
• I deserve to be miserable; 
• I am a failure; 
• I should have known better;
•  I am weak;
• I cannot succeed. 

Pay attention to some phrases you attach to your situations.

When negative beliefs surface It is important to ask yourself, 

• “When did I start to believe this about myself?” 
• How old do I feel when I have this negative belief? 
• Do I feel younger, and if so, do I have any memories attached to them? 
• What feelings surface? 
• What sensations do you experience in your body with each thought? 
• Do you feel tight, jittery, anxious, tingling? 
• Are you holding your breath?

Noticing and writing down negative beliefs I attached to a situation was important. 

For example, I might have shared at a (recovery) meeting and then afterwards I thought I was inadequate. My share was not good enough. 

The thought led to my emotional experience of shame and a desire to hide, which was a result of my abuse. 

My abuse left no room for me to evaluate myself clearly since it was a conditioned response. I began sharing in meetings about the aftermath experience of inadequacy and shame. People would come up to me in recovery meetings to tell me how much they valued what I say. 

Sharing honestly about myself and getting feedback helped motivate me to look at my harsh, negative self talk.

I also wrote about each situation in which these thoughts surfaced; what the belief was and what it would be like if I believed differently, always turning it into a positive thought. 

I did not suddenly believe it, of course, but the act of practicing turned a negative belief into something positive. "I am not good enough" became "I am good enough", which led to change. I also wrote about how I would feel if I attached a positive belief about myself to the situation, which helped me to create another outcome.

When someone asks me if they can change their negative thinking, my first response is, “Are you tired of your negativity and, secondly, are you willing to practice a different behavior?” 

Only through repetition and practice do we change conditioning. For instance, if I were consumed with negative thinking, I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over again to disrupt the negative thoughts – “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” These words resonate with me and it is a prayer often said in recovery meetings. 

At first it seemed that I frequently had to repeat this prayer, and repetition paid off because I was unwilling after time to entertain my negative self-talk. I have learned to trust that my recovery (positive) voice will intervene, so at some point I stopped.

Practicing different behaviors leads to those behaviors becoming your own. Do not wait for change to come about. Seek change by taking responsibility to do something different. Whether it is practicing a thought, a feeling, or a behavior, the act of practicing leads to change. Over time we heal.

Self-love is a spiritual journey.

Part of self love is turning away from self-destructive behaviors:

• paying attention to the nutrition I put in my body, eating for nutrition and fuel - NOT for comfort
• Accepting my limitations and not pushing myself, giving myself permission to rest.
• Asking for help when I need to rest and household chores need to be done
• Boundaries - SAY NO! I have stopped overextending myself and saying no. Without feeling guilty.
•   Become mindful of your feelings. Decide that you want 100% responsibility for the ways in which you may be causing your own pain, and for creating your own peace and joy.   

Let's all practice this daily routine: 

• Look in the mirror daily and say something positive about yourself. Not just your physical appearance. I look into your eyes and see deeper down into your soul. 
• What do you long to hear? At first it can feel silly or embarrassing but the act of doing this leads to you becoming a better friend to yourself, not one that whispers in your ear all that is wrong with you, but one that appreciates you and sees the good.
• If you don’t value yourself, how will you believe that others do? 
• Start practicing today – not tomorrow.

Question of the day:
On a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest)

How willing are you to feel pain and take responsibility for your feelings?

*****************************************

Ponder this:

If your feelings live inside you, how can someone hurt them?

Self-Love Masterclass - Day 7

Imagine that your best friend calls you after she just got dumped by her partner, and this is how the conversation goes.

“Hey,” you say, picking up the phone. “How are you?”

“Terrible,” she says, choking back tears. “You know that guy Michael I’ve been dating? Well, he’s the first man I’ve been really excited about since my divorce. Last night he told me that I was putting too much pressure on him and that he just wants to be friends. I’m devastated.”

You sigh and say, “Well, to be perfectly honest, it’s probably because you’re old, ugly, and boring, not to mention needy and dependent. And you’re at least 20 pounds overweight, your clothes don’t fit, and your hair is turning gray. I’d just give up now, because there’s really no hope of finding anyone who will ever love you. I mean, frankly, you don’t deserve it!”

Would you ever talk this way to someone you cared about? Of course not.

But strangely, this is precisely the type of thing we say to ourselves in such situations— or worse.

With self-compassion, we learn to speak to ourselves like a good friend. “I’m so sorry. Are you OK? You must be so upset. Remember I’m here for you and I deeply appreciate you. Is there anything I can do to help?”

With mindfulness, we observe our pain, we can acknowledge our suffering without exaggerating it, allowing us to take a wiser and more objective perspective on ourselves and our lives.

The healing process of self love is rooted in being mindful and aware of the present (rather than worrying about the future or overthinking the past) through meditation. In simple terms, the goal of meditation is to acutely focus on the present, listen to your intuition, and acknowledge thoughts, good and bad. You can do this through mindful, focused movements, breathing, and visualization.

Being fully present and listening to your loving inner voice will make you calm, collected, and truly part of each moment, rather than being distracted by negative talk. This is what mindfulness is meant to do.

A powerful gift to yourself is to ask your heart: “What more can I do for you to make you feel as loved as possible?”
Another great question is: “Is there something you have always wanted to hear?” It will be joyful to become aware of your heart’s desires and give yourself all the love that will fill up your heart.

And more often than not there are still wounds in our hearts from being treated badly, or from heartbreaks. You can heal your own heart by becoming aware of what is in there.

Put your hand on your heart and ask your heart: “I will do my very best to be lovingly present with whatever wants to arise. Is there anything that wants to be felt right now?” 

Then – listen. Listen for that loving, compassionate inner voice.

If something uncomfortable comes up, just sit and be present for yourself. Allow your love to  heal your wounds.

There are other self-loving behaviors, besides loving self-talk. Like nurturing yourself with a warm bath, eating well, resting, or taking yourself on a date.

When you ask your heart what more it needs, it might give you some inspiration for something it would like you to do. Listen to that too.

Ask your heart the following:
“What more can I do to make you feel loved?”
“What do you want to hear from me?”
“What do you want to feel?”
“What do you want me to do for you?”

Listen carefully. If nothing comes to you, then simply tell yourself:
“You are always welcome to let me know what more you need. I love to hear your desires, and I love to hear what you struggle with. I am here to listen to you, to feel you, and I’m always available for you. I love you deeply.”

Mindfulness focuses primarily on acceptance of experience itself. Self-compassion focuses more on caring for the 

experience.
Mindfulness asks, “What am I experiencing right now?”
Self-compassion asks, “What do I need right now?”

Mindfulness says, “Feel your suffering with loving awareness.”
Self-compassion says, “I will be kind to you when you are hurting or suffering.”

Mindfulness and self-compassion both allow us to live with less resistance toward ourselves and our lives. If we can fully accept that things are painful, and be kind to ourselves because they’re painful, we can be with the pain with greater ease.

Accepting and mindfully experiencing our feelings such as sadness, fear or anxiety is not the sign of weakness but the sign of strength.

This kindness and compassion is the healthy alternative to the shame we often feel. Finding an inner piece by being with our experiences is a good way to overcome the desire to change or fix ourselves.

If being gentle to yourself still sounds too confusing or abstract, try making it more practical by asking yourself the following questions:

Can I be friendly with my sadness/anger/guilt/grief/fear/etc?
Can I say hello to the sadness/anger/guilt/grief/fear/etc inside me?

Sit down with your sadness/anger/guilt/grief/fear/etc.

Keep it company as you would do with a small vulnerable child.

Hug yourself in a comforting way.

Learning how to positively and adequately answer these questions is not an easy task, especially for a person who has little love for himself or herself.

Practice staying in the present and observing your thoughts and feelings. You will learn to create a true and loving companion inside yourself. You will become whole and integrated.

Assignment:

Write a Letter to Yourself

You can find your compassionate voice by writing a letter to yourself whenever you struggle or feel inadequate or when you want to help motivate yourself to make a change. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but gets easier with practice.

1. Write a letter as if you were talking to a dearly beloved friend who was struggling with the same concerns as you.

After writing the letter, you can put it down for a while and then read it later, letting the words soothe and comfort you when you need it most.

Here is a mindfulness meditation to listen to daily at the end of your day.

https://youtu.be/zzNmOEJUg-s