Self Love Masterclass #13

If I had to guess, I’d say that human beings have been comparing themselves to one another since the beginning of time.

Sometimes these comparisons can be helpful. They can give you a baseline for improvement and inspire you to change.

Other times, they can be a means to pick yourself apart and see everything that you think is wrong with yourself.

Comparison has been a constant experience for me. I note my friends’ successes or an Social Media influencer figure and feel envious. Or a photographer who has a different editing style or is great at composite images in Photoshop.

When I was younger, I met a girl – I will call her Adrienne.

She was everything I wasn’t. Or everything I thought I wasn’t. Bright, funny, outgoing. She was beautiful. She had a perfect body (in my eyes). People adored her instantly, and luck always seemed to land squarely at her feet.

Adrienne quickly became one of my close friends. Despite our deep bond, her beauty always tore me apart.

She was like a mirror, but all I could see were my shortcomings staring back at me.

Everything I achieved felt tainted by her achievements, which, somehow, always seemed superior. I could never measure up, no matter how hard I tried. It crushed me on a daily basis.

I might have expected these feelings at 16, but I was 30, a grown-up. But Adrienne brought my insecurities into sharp focus.

On an intellectual level, I knew there were things that were great about me. But emotionally, I just couldn’t get there.

By comparison, everything in my life seemed less than. I wasn’t as pretty nor as fun. I wasn’t as fearless nor as talented. I didn’t have as many friends, and I wasn’t as appealing to the opposite sex.

My confidence was taking a beating, and I felt truly worthless. All of these feelings were amplified by the guilt I had for feeling this way about a friend. I sought practical advice from my mentor that I could use to help me get past these feelings.

I knew that I was going to need some serious help to get over this.

Here is what I learned from this experience.

Name your inner critic

Debbie, my mentor, cut right to the chase and explained something important to me: Naming something gives it less power.

Debbie had me give my inner critic — that critical voice inside that points out all of my perceived inadequacies — a name and identify the voice, who was behind the voice.

I recognized quickly that it was my own voice, I named her Stella, and as we got better acquainted, I discovered she was particularly nasty. Stella wanted me to think I was never good enough.

She liked to remind me that I often let fear get the better of me, that I could stand to lose a few pounds, and that I’m an awkward mess in big groups.

It was agonizing to hear how I’d let this voice in my head berate me. Now that I’d given her a name, I could recognize when she spoke up.

I could begin the next crucial step in freeing myself from the comparison trap: starting a conversation with her.

Be your own best friend 

I’ve always considered myself a good friend, but Debbie pointed out that I wasn’t being a particularly good friend to myself.

“How would you comfort a friend in a crisis?” she asked me.

I replied that I would sit with her and discuss her feelings. I’d comfort her and remind her what a great person she is. I’d probably give her a great big hug.

Debbie told me that when Stella gets in the driver’s seat, I need to speak to her with love and understanding.

When Stella popped up in my head, I started a conversation. I’d ask Stella how she was feeling and why she might be feeling that way. I’d empathize with her, offer her words of encouragement, and remind her of all the reasons she’s great.

Debbie, my mentor, had one simple rule: “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.”

By following this rule, I started to understand where some of my insecurities were coming from. I was able to unpack why Adrienne triggered these feelings in me.

I came to realize that both of us were at similar points in life and that she was excelling in the exact areas I felt I was failing.

Keep a record of achievements

When we compare ourselves to others, we focus on all of their strengths and achievements and ignore our own. That’s why Debbie encouraged me to keep a record of all the good things I had done.

It didn’t matter what they were: If it was something I felt proud of, I made a record of it. Soon, I had a bulging notebook of things I had accomplished over the weeks.

If I aced a project at work, I recorded it. If I helped a friend in a crisis, I wrote it down. If I dragged myself to the gym on a morning I really didn’t want to go, I wrote it down.

Looking at all I had achieved, both big and small, boosted my self-esteem. I felt a swell of pride. Adrienne was great, I realized, but in so many wonderful ways, so was I.

Practice self-care

Running a hot bath and pouring yourself a hot cup of tea be great self-care, but we can take it even further. Self-care can involve honest and a self inventory.

It’s a process of looking inward and seeing what you find. Debbie encouraged me to keep a journal and jot down my thoughts, particularly when I was in a self-esteem spiral downward.

Once those thoughts were on the page, I had the power to observe them and decide whether or not they were true or just a result of me feeling inadequate.

I was able to unpack them and understand where they may have come from, what triggered them, and it was incredibly freeing.

It wasn’t always easy. Confronting some of my darker feelings was hard, but looking them straight in the eye gave me the power to begin moving forward.

Be proactive

My comparison journey didn’t end there.

Yes, I felt clearer on my unique talents, skills, and qualities. I was much more confident, and I no longer saw Adrienne as my rival. I felt lighter. My friends noticed that I seemed to be feeling better about myself.

I wasn’t weighed down by feelings of inadequacy anymore or worrying about hiding my jealousy. I could celebrate Adrienne's successes, as well as my own.

Comparing myself made me feel lost. It had deprived me of joy and made me feel miserable. The self-doubt I was feeling played out in other areas of my life.

I wasn’t always present with friends because I was playing the comparison game in my head. Relationships were doomed to failure because I didn’t feel good about myself from the start.

Once Debbie helped me gain the tools, I had a clearer focus on what I wanted in life and how I could get it. I didn’t feel burdened by the self-doubt that had held me back before. Shaking off comparison had allowed me to enjoy life again.

Working with these tools is an ongoing practice. Even now, I know I need to keep up that self-talk with Stella and continue adding to my record of achievements. I know it’s important to regularly look inward to confront uncomfortable emotions.

Breaking free from comparison is not a linear journey. There are bumps in the road, moments of insecurity, and doubt. But maintaining the practice that Debbie taught me has helped keep my self-esteem on an even keel.

There will always be someone prettier, more talented, intelligent, bubbly, or outgoing. For me, the trick is knowing the unique value of what I bring to the table.

I challenge you to write down all your successes and accomplishments for 30 days. Buy a notebook or journal and write them down. Daily. Every day we have success! Even if it is “I got out of bed when I didn't want to.” Write it down!

Self Love Masterclass #11

 People with high levels of self-compassion demonstrate four behaviors:

1. They are kind rather than judgmental about their own failures and mistakes

2. They recognize that failures are a shared human experience

3. They take a balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble or fall short

4. They allow themselves to feel bad, but they don’t let negative emotions take over.

Self-compassion is a positive attitude we can have towards ourselves. Having self-compassion means being able to relate to yourself in a way that’s forgiving, accepting, and loving when situations might be less than optimal. We know that it’s similar to, but less permanent than, self-love and that it’s different from self-esteem, but how do we show self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.

We can start by thinking about how we would treat others that we care about. So while we can’t always take away others’ pain, we can validate its existence and provide support to help them get through it and grow.

Let yourself make mistakes. Self-kindness says: “I'm human and so is everybody else. And that’s okay.” Rather than interpreting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as who we are, we can let ourselves off the hook when we might do the same for others. If a friend gets lazy and doesn’t answer your phone call, you probably won’t instantly assume they’re a bad person. Giving yourself permission to be human once in a while is one way to accept your flaws, and remind yourself that we are all imperfect, you are not alone.

Care for yourself as you’d treat others. This is about being understanding and empathetic towards yourself. If a friend is feeling down, hurt, or upset, you might physically pat them on the back or hold their hand. Along with tender, forgiving language - even using terms of endearment to yourself like “darling” or “sweetheart” - these gestures can lead us to feeling self-kindness even if we’re initially reluctant. Go slow with the terms of endearment if it seems weird at first.

Use “Releasing Statements”. These statements are closely related to self-forgiveness and tap into the mindfulness concept of detached non-judgment. When you catch yourself thinking a negative thought like “I’m such a horrible person for getting upset”, try turning it around and release yourself from the feeling. Instead, try “It’s okay that I felt upset”. “It's okay that I made a mistake.”

Try self-acceptance. This means embracing our own perceived shortcomings as well as our character strengths. Self-compassion is about not over-inflating these shortcomings into a definition of who we are—rather, thoughts and feelings are behaviors and states of being.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness practices are a good way to center ourselves in the moment. Not only is mindfulness one of self-compassion’s core constructs, but a lot of exercises such as yoga and deep breathing can be used anytime, anywhere. I recommend guided nurturing meditations – I use an app called Insight Timer. Search for self-compassion guided meditations.

Don't judge yourself so quickly. Stop expecting yourself to behave a certain way. It’s easy to assume things like “I get really grumpy and antisocial on flights”, which sometimes prevents the possibility that you’ll act a different way. This is once again about treating yourself as you would others, and just a future-focused way to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Believing we act a certain way “because... I'm hangry/didn't get enough sleep/etc” is reinforcement of a negative belief about ourselves.

Let go of the need for external validation. Much of our negative beliefs comes from how others perceive us. If we’re beating ourselves up for eating something, for instance, a lot of that self-directed anger stems from social pressures, like the pressure to look a certain way or maintain a certain weight. Choosing not to tie our happiness to outside influences is an act of self-kindness with a much larger impact.

Reach out to others. This might sound like the opposite of the above, but in fact, this technique is more about placing our feelings in context. When we talk with others, we realize that we’re not alone in feeling pain at different times. It’s an important part of reaffirming our sense of being connected, rewording our perceived problems with the ‘bigger picture’ in mind, and building social support networks that are priceless to our well-being.

Exercise: How would you treat a friend?

Take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:

1. First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.

2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

4. Write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

Practice kindness and compassion for yourself today!

Self Love Masterclass - Day 6

Love the unloving you:

Judging your judgment ("I'm not making enough progress”)

We have a tendency to focus our approval on the stuff that’s easy to approve of, and focus our appreciation on the stuff that’s easy to appreciate.

A pitfall we encounter on our journey towards more self-love can be negative judgments about our self-love journey progress. It’s very normal for growth to be erratic.

Sometimes it seems as if we learned something, but in another moment the same problem reappears.

You might feel deeply in love with yourself this week, but maybe next week you will feel like you hate yourself again. Setbacks happen. It’s not unusual to blame ourselves, to be disappointed in ourselves. 

So what to do with these negative self-judgments? If you hear yourself judging, try first to not judge that. And if you did judge your judgment, don’t worry, just don’t judge that. And so forth…

If this confuses you a bit, that’s fine, just tell yourself: “You can judge, you have full permission always, and I won’t judge you for judging. Because I love you no matter what.”

Here’s some more on learning to love the unloving part of yourself:

Love the unloving you

For many of us, the negative self-talk inside our heads is a daily reality. You might feel you’re hating yourself in different ways. It may seem as if there’s a war raging within us. A powerful and beautiful image to use here is that of a white flag – surrender!

It’s common to feel as if you can’t help negative self-thoughts from happening, they come quick and hit hard. But you can picture yourself standing tall with a white flag in your hand and tell yourself: “You may not love me, and that’s okay, I will love you unconditionally anyway.”

Surrender to love, it’s the most powerful thing you can do.

“What about my least favorite parts of me?”

Are you up for a challenge?

Let’s try to love the parts of ourselves that we love the least. Those are often the parts that we either try to change or actually make worse because we’re rebelling against our own self-hate.

You may not like your belly because you think it’s too fat. You try diets to ‘get rid of it’, and you might at the same time feel pressured by yourself which makes you want to eat all that is unhealthy even more. The point is to start accepting and loving that part of yourself in this moment, whether you’re in the gym or eating chips. Forgive this part of yourself, forgive yourself for hating it, forgive all that needs forgiveness.

Find something to be grateful for about the part/s of yourself you don't like:

For example:

“I'm grateful for my stomach for carrying my children. For keeping me healthy during pregnancy.

“I'm grateful for my stomach for providing me with nutrition when I eat.”

“I am grateful for my tummy because it gives a home to all the delicious food I eat”

“I am grateful for my stomach because it is there to protect my reproductive organs”

How do I forgive myself?

Simply by saying: ‘I forgive you (for …). I love you. I really love you. I understand if you feel afraid of the hate that was previously there, but you’re safe now.’’

The next thing you will say to yourself is: ‘You’re already forgiven. I still love you, and I will always love you. And I’m willing to tell you that over and over again.’

If you’re eating chips, tell yourself: ‘I love you when you’re eating chips.’ If you’re exercising, tell yourself: ‘I love you when you’re exercising’. If you practice this enough, you will find yourself at a point where there’s nothing left to forgive, there are only things to love.

If you want to learn how to deeply love yourself, you have to send love and attention to the parts of you that you believe are dangerous or ugly. The parts that you feel sure will cost you opportunities, connection, attention, and approval. The parts of yourself that you have deemed inherently unlovable: your dark material.

In order to experience deep self-love, you have to invite your ugliest parts of yourself to come home.

The important thing to remember is that these traits and qualities aren’t bad or weird or unlovable; they’re human. Don’t let yourself be fooled into believing you’re an outcast of any kind: whatever you’re feeling (no matter how horrible), other people feel that way too.

If you’re brand new to the concept of loving your unlovable parts, prepare to be challenged. You’re turning a lifetime of self-hatred upside down, and it’s extremely difficult and even painful. I promise you though that it will get easier the more you do it. It’s a skill, like anything else, and you’ll improve the more you practice.

And this is where the magic happens: by finding a way to love the unlovable, you expand and grow in impossibly wonderful ways. By proving to yourself that the monster in your closet is really just a prince in disguise, you become braver, less afraid, more playful, more kind, and more authentically you.

Bit by bit, by facing your dark/ugly parts of self, you will experience a new sense of peace, love, acceptance, compassion, and wholeness inside of yourself. You will face the world without fear or hiding, and you start finding joy and beauty in places you never expected.

Homework:

Write a letter to the ugly or “dark” parts of yourself (anger/feeling, tummy/body part, or any other character 'defect'), explaining why you have ignored and rejected it for so long, apologizing for declaring war against it. Asking this part of yourself to become part of your life.

(try not to be negative or body-shaming)

Self-Love MasterClass - Day 4

​Here are tips to find ways to express love to yourself.

Tip: Learn from how you treat others

We usually treat others in a more loving way than we treat ourselves.

Think about how you would treat a small child. Do you comfort a little boy when he’s scared? Do you forgive a little girl for every mistake she makes, maybe even before she makes the mistake? Do you want to make the small child smile?

Or think about cute animals like dogs, cats, and rabbits. Do you like to cuddle them for no reason at all? Do you like to take care of them without asking for anything in return?

And then consider how you treat your best friend, or a loved one. Do you like to listen to their stories, whether they are of joy or of sorrow? Do you like to let them know how much you appreciate them?

Tip: Learn from how others treat you

The opposite direction is also possible: if others treat you in some aspect more loving that you treat you, that’s a great opportunity to receive that love and learn to give it to yourself as well.

Sometimes a loved one may say things to you, you have never said to yourself. Take those expressions as gifts and practice saying them to yourself.

Another time you may notice that a good friend accepts you more fully than you accept yourself. Take that acceptance as a gift, and start accepting yourself just as much.   

Do you notice how dogs can express happiness when they see you, every single time? 

Start your day by saying to yourself ‘I’m happy to see you!’ when you see yourself in the mirror, and every time you look in the mirror. 

Have you received compliments that you rejected because they seemed to outrageously flattering? Next time, say thanks, and allow the compliment to sink in. If that’s hard, suspend your disbelief and let the new information soak for a little bit in your being. And next time someone gives you that same compliment, you might even be able to reply a happy ‘I know! Thank you!’

Tip: Learn from how others love each other

We can take from how others express their love for each other. If you hear a couple saying something sweet to each other, practice saying that to yourself. Stop yourself if you have any feelings of envy or jealousy. That is not the goal here. 

If you hear a loving song on the radio, imagine yourself singing those words to yourself.

Challenge:

Make a date with yourself

Take yourself to dinner. Alone 

Take yourself to a movie. Alone. 

Get a facial, a mani/pedi date by yourself. 

Or simply take a hot bubble bath by candlelight with relaxing music, give yourself a facial and a hair treatment. 

Or get dressed up, put on makeup and dance in your living room. Alone. 

Do things for yourself that you would want your date/mate to do for you on a date.