Behind the Scenes: Preparing for Your Boudoir Session (Mindset, Confidence & Care)

 Walking into a boudoir session can feel intimidating. It’s not just about lingerie and posing—it’s about letting yourself be seen. For many women, that stirs up nerves, insecurities, and questions like “Am I really ready for this?”

The truth? You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to show up as you. A boudoir session is less about creating a flawless photo and more about creating a powerful experience of self-love and self-acceptance.
Here’s a deeper look behind the scenes at how to prepare emotionally, pose with confidence, choose the right photographer, and care for yourself after the shoot.

1. Preparing Emotionally: Setting the Mindset
Your mindset is the foundation of the experience. Boudoir photography is emotional work—if you walk in telling yourself “I don’t belong here,” the nerves will run the show. But if you walk in telling yourself, “I deserve to feel beautiful,” the session will unfold differently.

Ways to prepare:

Self-affirmation practice. Stand in front of the mirror a week before your session and repeat: “I am worthy of this experience. I deserve to celebrate myself.” It may feel silly, but it re-wires your brain toward confidence.

Visualization. Close your eyes and imagine yourself walking into the session with your head high, your playlist pumping, and your photographer cheering you on. See yourself glowing in the spotlight.

Build a power playlist. Music sets the tone. Some women bring sultry tracks, others bring pump-up anthems. Either way, it grounds you and helps you step into your alter ego.

Choose garments that reflect you. If lace bodysuits make you feel powerful—go for it. If a favorite oversized sweater makes you feel cozy and intimate, that’s equally sexy.

Remember: empowerment doesn’t come from the lingerie; it comes from wearing what feels authentic.

2. Lighting & Posing for Every Body

The camera doesn’t discriminate—every body is worthy of being celebrated. What matters is how lighting and posing highlight your natural beauty.

For plus-size clients: Soft side-lighting is magic. It creates shadows that sculpt curves beautifully without harshness. Think candlelight glow but in camera form. I’ll often guide you into seated poses that emphasize waistlines, or reclining poses that highlight curves naturally.

For scars and stretch marks: Many women ask, “Will you edit these out?” The answer is always up to you. Some choose to showcase scars as symbols of survival, while others prefer them softened. We can use strategic posing (like angling away from direct light) if you’d rather downplay them, or highlight them proudly if they’re part of your story.

Universal posing tips:

• Posture is confidence. Even a subtle arch of the back communicates strength.
  
  
• Angles elongate. Turning your shoulders or hips at a slight diagonal adds depth.
  
  
• Hands tell a story. Whether brushing hair back, tracing a neckline, or resting on a curve, hands bring emotion to the photo.

I don’t expect you to know any of this walking in. My job is to direct, encourage, and guide until you feel comfortable.

3. Choosing the Right Photographer
Boudoir is intimate—it requires trust. Not every photographer is right for every client, and that’s okay. What matters is finding someone who makes you feel safe and seen.

Questions to ask when searching:

• Does their portfolio reflect diversity? Do you see women of different sizes, ages, skin tones, and backgrounds? If not, you might feel pressured to fit into a narrow definition of beauty.
  
  
• What are their privacy policies? Ask how they store files, whether they use password-protected galleries, and if you have control over which images are shared publicly.
  
  
• Do they explain boundaries? A good photographer will be upfront about what poses are optional, how to communicate “no,” and how to make you feel in control at all times.
  
  
• Do they care about your comfort? You should feel like your photographer is your cheerleader, not a critic. If you leave a consultation feeling judged, that’s your red flag.

When you find the right fit, the photos become less about the photographer’s style and more about your story. That’s when the magic happens.

4. Caring for Yourself After the Session
The emotional journey doesn’t end when the lights go off. Many clients are surprised by the wave of emotions that come when they first see their photos. Some laugh, some cry, and some nitpick every detail. All of it is normal.

Post-session care tips:

• Look with kindness. When you first see your images, don’t zoom in on your “flaws.” Step back and take in the whole photo. Notice the mood, the emotion, the energy you radiated.
  
  
• Decide how you want to use them. Some women create heirloom albums, others frame wall art, and some keep their photos tucked away for themselves. There’s no right or wrong way—it’s about how you want to carry the memory.
  
  
• Separate retouching from reality. Yes, editing can smooth skin and polish the frame, but the confidence you see—that’s 100% yours. Don’t let Photoshop convince you otherwise.
  
  
• Celebrate. Book a dinner out, write a journal entry, or simply sit with your photos and acknowledge the courage it took to do the shoot. This was never just about pretty pictures—it was about transformation.

Final Word
A boudoir session isn’t about being someone else. It’s about honoring the person you already are—the one who has lived, struggled, triumphed, and deserves to feel radiant.

With the right mindset, the right photographer, and the right care before and after, your session becomes more than a photoshoot. It becomes a declaration: I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am enough.

www.deelitefulphotography.com

Boudoir Photography Solves Problems!

Boudoir photography is a form of intimate photography that focuses on capturing the beauty and sensuality of a person in a private setting. It has become increasingly popular in recent years as more people have started to recognize the benefits of this type of photography. In this blog post, we'll be discussing the problems that a boudoir session solves and how it can help you feel confident and beautiful.

Problem #1: Negative Body Image

One of the most common problems that people face is negative body image. We live in a society that places a lot of emphasis on physical appearance, and it's easy to feel self-conscious about our bodies. A boudoir session can help to combat these negative thoughts by showing you just how beautiful you really are. It allows you to see yourself in a new light and appreciate all the unique qualities that make you who you are.

Problem #2: Low Self-Esteem

Low self-esteem can be a difficult problem to overcome, and it can have a negative impact on all areas of your life. A boudoir session can help to boost your self-esteem by giving you a new sense of confidence and empowerment. You'll feel beautiful, sexy, and confident in your own skin, which can help you tackle any challenges that come your way.

Problem #3: Lack of Intimacy

Intimacy is an essential part of any relationship, and it's important to nurture this connection to keep it strong. However, as our lives become busier, it can be easy to neglect this aspect of our relationships. A boudoir session can help to reignite that spark and bring a sense of intimacy back into your life. Whether you're doing it for yourself or for your partner, a boudoir session can help you feel more connected and intimate with the people in your life.

Problem #4: Celebrating Milestones

Life is full of milestones, and it's important to celebrate them in a meaningful way. A boudoir session is the perfect way to mark a special occasion such as a wedding, anniversary, or birthday. It's a way to celebrate yourself and the journey you've been on, and to capture a moment in time that you'll be able to look back on for years to come.

Problem #5: Embracing Your Femininity

Finally, a boudoir session can help you embrace your femininity and feel more comfortable in your own skin. It's a celebration of your womanhood and all the unique qualities that make you who you are. Whether you're shy or outgoing, a boudoir session can help you tap into your feminine energy and feel more confident and beautiful.

Problem #6: Overcoming Fear

Stepping out of your comfort zone can be scary, but it can also be incredibly liberating. A boudoir session is an opportunity to face your fears and push yourself to do something that might be outside of your usual routine. By taking this step, you'll be able to build confidence and prove to yourself that you're capable of doing anything you set your mind to.

Problem #7: Strengthening Your Relationship

A boudoir session can also help to strengthen your relationship with your partner. By sharing this intimate experience with them, you'll be able to build trust and deepen your connection. It's a way to show your partner how much you love and appreciate them, and to create a lasting memory that you can both cherish.

Problem #8: Empowering Other Women

Boudoir photography isn't just about feeling confident and beautiful yourself - it's also about empowering other women. By embracing your femininity and sharing your story, you can inspire other women to do the same. It's a way to break down societal barriers and celebrate the unique qualities that make us all beautiful and special.

Problem #9: Creating Art

Boudoir photography is a form of art, and it's an opportunity to create something beautiful and unique. By working with a skilled photographer, you can create a series of stunning images that capture your personality, style, and sensuality. It's a way to express yourself creatively and to create something that you can be proud of.

Problem #10: Celebrating Your Strength

Finally, a boudoir session is a way to celebrate your strength and resilience. Life can be tough, and it's easy to get bogged down by stress and anxiety. But by taking the time to appreciate your body, your femininity, and your beauty, you can remind yourself just how strong and capable you really are. It's a way to celebrate all that you've overcome and all that you have yet to achieve.

A boudoir session is more than just a photo shoot - it's an opportunity to overcome fears, celebrate milestones, strengthen relationships, and empower yourself and other women. So why not take the leap and book your own boudoir session today? You never know - it might just change your life.

www.deelitefulphotography.com

Body Acceptance and Self-Love

Learning to love and accept your body is a journey that can be challenging, but it is an essential part of developing self-love and living a fulfilling life. Our bodies are unique, and they carry us through the world. By accepting and loving our bodies, we can experience greater self-confidence, self-esteem, and overall well-being.

The journey to self-love and body acceptance can take time, and it often involves shifting our mindset and developing new habits. Here are some methods to improve body acceptance and self-love:

Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and compassion, just as you would treat a loved one. Recognize that no one is perfect, and that imperfection is a natural part of being human. Practice forgiving yourself and accepting that your body is unique and beautiful in its way.

Focus on what your body can do: Instead of focusing on what you don't like about your body, focus on the things that your body can do. Be grateful for your body's ability to walk, run, dance, and experience the world around you. By focusing on what your body can do, you can learn to appreciate your body for its strength and resilience, rather than its appearance.

Reframe negative thoughts: When you notice negative thoughts about your body, try to reframe them into more positive, realistic statements. For example, instead of saying, "I hate my stomach," you could say, "My stomach helps me digest food and provides energy for my body. 

Surround yourself with positive influences: Surround yourself with people who accept and appreciate their bodies and who support and encourage you to do the same. This can be friends, family, or online communities. Also, take the time to unfollow social media accounts that make you feel bad about yourself.

Engage in self-care: Self-care involves taking care of your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. By taking care of your body through good nutrition, exercise, and rest, you can show yourself that you value and respect your body. Make time for activities that make you feel good and focus on feeling good rather than achieving a certain look or weight.

Challenge societal beauty standards: Recognize that society promotes unrealistic beauty standards, which can cause feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction. Challenge these standards by surrounding yourself with diverse representations of beauty and by celebrating diversity.

Remember, accepting and loving your body is a journey, and it takes time and practice. Be patient and kind with yourself, and celebrate the progress you make along the way. By accepting and loving your body, you can experience greater self-confidence, self-love, and overall well-being. Remember, you are beautiful, and you deserve to love and accept yourself just the way you are.

It is important to recognize that society's beauty standards have been heavily edited and manipulated to fit a narrow definition of beauty. Real beauty comes in all shapes and sizes, and there is no one "perfect" body type. It is essential to celebrate diversity and recognize that our bodies are unique and beautiful in their way.

It is also important to acknowledge that body acceptance and self-love are not easy. It is a journey that can be challenging, and it often involves confronting negative beliefs and thought patterns. Be kind and compassionate with yourself and recognize that this is a process that takes time and effort.

Another helpful strategy is to focus on gratitude. Take time each day to focus on the things you are grateful for, including your body. By focusing on gratitude, you can shift your focus away from negativity and towards positivity and appreciation.

Ultimately, the journey to self-love and body acceptance is about learning to accept and love yourself just the way you are. It is about recognizing your inherent worth and value as a human being and celebrating all that makes you unique. By developing self-love and body acceptance, you can experience greater confidence, happiness, and fulfillment in life.

Remember that you are worthy of love and acceptance, and you deserve to feel good about yourself just the way you are.

Self Love Means Making Yourself a Priority

 

When was the last time you told yourself that you are enough? How about the last time you did something just for you?

Loving ourselves is not always the easiest task. Many of us find it’s much easier and simpler to put our time and energy towards friends and family than it is to love ourselves.

I want place more importance on my own self love. And to show others how essential it is to invest in the relationship with themselves because we are the only people in charge of our own happiness.

Many of us fail to prioritize ourselves – we often place the needs of others before our own, which means when life gets busy, we end up compromising our own beliefs and desires. The saying “you can’t pour from an empty cup” couldn’t be more fitting. More often than not, our well-being takes a backseat as we go about our day checking off our to-do lists, prioritizing others' needs over our own.

When you fly, if you’re traveling with someone who you’re caring for, you’re instructed to put on our own oxygen mask first before helping others secure theirs. We are no good to anyone passed out on the floor, let alone ourselves.

Prioritizing ourselves means we are giving ourselves time and attention to focus on our needs, desires, goals, and wants. It also means we give ourselves the same compassion, understanding, and priority that we do to other people.

When we consider what we need in life to feel good about ourselves – whether its having a hobby, joining a team, assessing our values, etc.–we will love ourselves first. It is so important to love ourselves first. When we love ourselves we chase the things we deserve and let go of what doesn’t bring we joy.

Loving ourselves means having the self-respect to say goodbye to people bringing we down. It involves forcing ourselves to go after the things we want most in life. It means ignoring the critics because haters gonna hate but they won’t bring we down. When we love ourselves we exude confidence and only then can we really be selfless.

Sometimes these practices take time, but little habits create big changes when we do them every day. At the end of the day, remember this: to give our best, we have to feel our best. Invest in ourselves, spend time doing what we love, and be kind and compassionate when we make mistakes. we are deserving of all the love and attention in the world.

Self-care does not have to be a lavish and expensive priority. It can be as simple as turning our phone on silent to read our new book or enjoying a cup of hot tea after a long day. We deserve to allow ourselves to find something that brings us joy every day and make it a priority.

Practicing self-love isn't a “one and done” event. It takes time and consistency to cultivate a new attitude towards self-worth and growth. Allow ourselves to be present each day and proud of the small victories.  We must make ourselves a priority to give ourselves the time to be present for ourselves.

With social media, it is becoming easier and easier to compare our life to others in just a single post. It is crucial to remind ourselves daily that each person has their own specific path in life and no two paths look the same. Taking a break from social media at times can be a good practice of self-love as well.

Self-love means prioritizing surrounding ourselves with people that care about us and make us smile. As obvious as this sounds, it is easy to ignore this practice altogether. Take a moment to go through the people that are closest to us and determine if they make we smile on a daily basis. If we are finding it hard to determine if they do or not, it is time to do what is best for we and our health. If these people do not make us feel loved, supported, cared for, and make us smile, it it time to eliminate these people from our lives – EVEN if they are family.

Making ourselves a priority means focusing more on the things we love. This practice looks different for everyone. Write down a list of the top five things that make you happy. This can be hobbies, people, and/or events that bring you the most joy in a healthy, positive and worthwhile way. Once you determine your favorite people, places, events, and/or hobbies, plan out your days to participate in them. Allow yourself the time to do more things you love and you will find a more balanced and fulfilled, worthwhile, life.

Making time for ourselves is vitally important in any relationship. Without the ability to focus on ourselves, it’s easy to fall into unhealthy patterns of codependency and lose our sense of identity. Ultimately, our relationship with our own head and heart are the most crucial ones to nurture, and these will affect all other relationships in our lives, whether they be romantic, platonic or familial. Healthy boundaries, open communication and prioritizing alone time are key ingredients to a strong relationship.

This can be a tricky balance in the best of times, but since the beginning of the pandemic and many people transitioning to working from home, this has put an immense amount of added stress on romantic relationships. When living with your partner, it can be very difficult to protect your alone time when you’re both at home constantly. And even if you don’t live together, with the limited number of activities available and the lowered number of people we’re allowed to see these days, setting aside time for self-love and growth outside of your partnership has even less of a road map than it did before.

But the added challenge of creating time for ourselves in today’s climate of external strains means that it’s just as crucial, if not more so, for both our mental health and the health of our relationships to make ourselves and self care a priority. While every relationship dynamic is different, it is invaluable to prioritize ourselves when you’re in a partnership.

If we observe our daily routine, we will find that there are countless things that steal our “self-care” time and make us feel miserable. Do not let technology keep you from appreciating the beautiful gifts that life has for you. Time that is dedicated to ourselves will bring us even closer to our inner person. We can listen to music, take a walk alone, write stories, daydream or just sit quietly for a few minutes, just as long as we are just being with ourselves.

It is said, “success makes us feel great but failures bring along an eternal feeling of satisfaction when we love ourselves.” When we love being us and celebrate our love for ourselves every single moment, our inner happiness does not depend upon our success or failure, as we are always able to treat ourselves as our own best friend. We live a complete life that has a perfect balance of everything we need to be an overall developed individual.

We must not ignore our inner calling. Our inner voice guides us the best since no us knows better than us. It may be difficult to make a decision when we get stuck in life but when we follow our instincts, life gives us a way of realizing our dreams and happiness. When we listen to our own hearts, we will rarely regret our decisions, even when we face setbacks.

A little shift in our attitude towards prioritizing ourselves can actually bring us closer to success and happiness. The secret of a happy and a healthy life is loving ourselves the way we are regardless of anything else.

Here are some suggestions for becoming more of a priority in your life:

• Make time for YOU. Schedule it. Put it on your calendar. Make it a date.

• Practice self-compassion – be kind to yourself, speak kind to yourself.

• STOP feeling guilty – for saying no, for turning down invitations and for changing your mind.

• Practice saying NO – practice with a friend you trust. Say no to things you don't want to do.

• Learn to love your imperfections – accept them, embrace them. They aren't going anywhere. Make peace with them.

• It's ok to ask for help – asking for help is a sign of strength – not a sign of weakness.

• Let go of the need for control – control is an illusion. The only thing any of us have control of is ourselves.

• Embrace your emotions – emotions are what make us human, vulnerable, and alive.

• Surround yourself with encouraging, positive people – negative people are energy draining. And encouraging, positive people are energy giving.

• Start a Gratitude Journal – this has been my greatest strength. There is always something to be grateful for – write it down.

• Believe you are more than enough - At the end of the day, you are and have always been more than enough

Prioritizing yourself is more than just saying all the right words and pampering yourself, but it's knowing what you need and deserve every day. This means saying no when someone is disrespecting your boundaries or when you're getting close to being burned out.

It's taking short breaks when you're feeling drained and it's taking the time to reflect inward.

Prioritizing yourself is knowing who you are and being content with spending time with yourself because it's how you recharge your energy.

I hope this touched you as deeply as it touched me while I wrote it.  Make yourself a priority. Make time for yourself. It's okay to unplug! 

Please leave me your thoughts and comments below. I would greatly appreciate it! And don't forget to subscribe so you are notified when a new blog is posted. 

Deeliteful Photography

Self-love #29

"Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” - Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements.

Self-love and assertiveness. What do they mean?

Self-love is the overall opinion of ourselves and how we feel about our abilities and limitations. Self-love comes from within, us thoughts and sense of self.

Lack of self-love can lead to dismissing our own opinions. It can also lead feelings of not good enough or that our ideas are not important. This can be crippling when our voice and opinions are is needed.

To be assertive means to stand up for our ideas, rights, or opinions, and feelings in a calm and positive way. To be assertive is crucial when communicating and can be a game changer for personal improvement.

By surrounding ourselves with positive individuals who provide you with good feedback, you will be more likely to feel valued and worthwhile. Negative individuals can disrupt our ability to be social and may lead to feelings of hostility or create sensitivity to criticism. The people we surround yourself with are important. They are our support system.

Healthy self-love empowers us to ask for our needs, voice our opinions, have confidence in our decision making and become resilient to changes, stress and setbacks. Most importantly, Self-love can help us accomplish our goals and increase our positive actions in life. It’s also good to remember that once we make the decision to assert ourselves, we can do so without being passive or aggressive.

• Our inner voice is more powerful than we realize. We can make an active effort to be kind to ourselves. We need to remember that no one is perfect so don’t beat yourself up over little mistakes.

• Do what makes you happy. Schedule in some time every day to do the things you enjoy.

• Celebrate achievements. You worked hard. You can check that off the to-do list, so that’s worth raising your arms in victory and celebrate.

• What can you change? Take control of what you can, focus your energy on what you can achieve.

• Aim for honest, open and authentic communication. Respect others’ opinions when sharing your own thoughts, wants, feelings or beliefs.

• Learning how to increase self-love can nurture your sense of self. Having a solid support system will benefit the quality of your life and help you achieve your goals.

Communicating love to self

Once you can assertively communicate to yourself, then you will be able to communicate who you are to others. Many of us hold in our hurt and just keep walking through life thinking we are good.

Self-respect is correlated with assertiveness, and self-respect is a strong factor that remains related to assertiveness. Self-confidence plays an important role in our everyday lives. Being confident allows us to set and reach our goals. It provides stability when we are faced with a challenge; it gives us that push that helps us overcome difficulties. Self-confidence is necessary in our personal and professional lives, as without it one would not be successful in either. It gives us the ability to stand up to face our challenges and to pick ourselves up when we fall.

An assertive person is confident and direct in dealing with others. Assertive communications promote fairness and equality in human interactions, based on a positive sense of respect for self and others. It is the direct communication of a person’s needs, wants, and opinions without punishing, threatening, or putting down another person. Assertive behavior includes the ability to stand up for a person’s legitimate rights – without violating the rights of others or being overly fearful in the process. assertive behavior is situational specific; meaning different types of assertive behavior can be used in different situations. Assertive behavior involves three categories of skills; self-affirmation, expressing positive feelings, and expressing negative feelings.

Self-confidence is a belief in oneself, one's abilities, or one's judgment. It is freedom from doubt. When you believe you can change things -- or make a difference in a situation, you are much more likely to succeed. As a self-confident person, you walk with a bounce in your step. You can control your thoughts and emotions and influence others. You are more prepared to tackle everyday challenges and recover from setbacks. This all leads to a greater degree of optimism and life satisfaction.

An assertive individual communicates in a way that clearly states his or her opinions and feelings, and firmly advocates for his or her rights and needs without violating the rights of others. Assertive communication is born of high self-esteem. Assertive people value themselves, their time, and their emotional, spiritual, and physical needs.

They are strong advocates for themselves -- while being very respectful of the rights of others.

Assertive people feel connected to other people.

They make statements of needs and feelings clearly, appropriately, and respectfully. Feeling in control of themselves, they speak in calm and clear tones, are good listeners, and maintain good eye contact.

They create a respectful environment for others, and do not allow others to abuse or manipulate them.

The assertive person uses statements that imply:

• “I am confident about who I am.”

• “I cannot control others, but I control myself.”

• “I speak clearly, honestly, and to the point.”

• “I consider my options “I know I have choices in my life, happiness.”

• . I am fully responsible for my own “We are equally entitled to express ourselves respectfully to one another.”

Self-praise is an important part of improving your self-esteem, while it may feel uncomfortable at first, it gets easier and really helps to build towards a better more positive future. Don’t forget to give yourself praise every time you achieve.

Please subscribe and follow. And leave me a comment. What do you think of today's topic?

https://linktr.ee/deelitefulphotography

Self Love Masterclass #22

SHOULD statements! Ugh. Whether we are "shoulding" ourselves or someone else is "shoulding" us - should statements can be so harmful to our hearts, our spirits and our ability to love ourselves. 

A “should statement” is a negative thinking pattern that can cause feelings of guilt, doubt and fear in a person. These types of statements are a called cognitive distortions, and they can create a double edged set of conditions or options in a person’s perception that can be unhealthy.

Should statements, according to Courtney Ackerman, are “statements that you make to yourself about what you “should” do, what you “ought” to do, or what you “must” do. They can also be applied to others, imposing a set of expectations that will likely not be met.”

Should statements are thoughts that define what you think you SHOULD do. It’s a set of expectations that might not take your particular circumstances into consideration.

Should statements don’t necessarily seem like harmful thought patterns when we form them. And some “should” statements aren’t directly stated, but more implied.

These statements might sound like:

• “Why haven’t I called that friend in so long?”

  • (Implication: I should call them more)

• “When will I ever learn?” 

  • (Implication: I should already know this.)

• “I’m so annoyed with myself!”

  • (Implication: I shouldn’t be feeling this way.)

To be fair, some should statements can be helpful, if (and only if) they motivate immediate action, such as:

• “I should put gas in the car tonight so I don’t have to stop tomorrow morning.”
  “I should study for that exam.”
  “We need clean dishes for tomorrow; I should run the dishwasher.”

However, this becomes a problem when it starts to normalize looking at our behavior through the duality of “should” and “should not.”

“Should” statements are sneaky.

They’re dangerous.

They subtly making us feel terrible about ourselves.

Most of us use the word “should” because we think it will be motivating. We think it will drive our behavior and get us to do something we’re supposed to do.

• I should work out.

• I should eat healthier.

• I should call my parents more.

• I should apply.

We use should statements as a way to highlight the path we think we should be taking.

We think that should statements will get our butt in gear and push us in a direction of being productive and engaged.

However, should statements aren’t motivating.  In fact, they’re the opposite. The word “should” contributes to enormous amounts of shame. It leads to discouragement and despair. “Should” statements highlight and worsen feelings of inadequacy and feeling less than. “Should” statements create feelings of brokenness, not good enough, and faulty.

Should statements give us two options: pass or fail. However, life is much more complex than that!

And when we don’t meet the expectations that these “should” statements set up for us, we feel guilty, we feel shame, and we feel like we aren’t living up to our potential.

They contribute to guilt and shame

When we think in “should” statements, we immediately send ourselves on a guilt trip. We convince ourselves not only that we screwed up, but that we “shouldn’t” have messed up, for one reason or another.

“Should” statements aggravate shame.

Shame is easily triggered by “should” statements when we compare our current self with our imagined ideal self. People with mental health struggles, including depression, anxiety, and panic disorder, can have a particularly hard time with this. We may recognize our sad, anxiety, or fearful feelings, but because we think we “shouldn’t” have those feelings, we become even more anxious or avoidant.

To start the process of change, Ask yourself:

1. What should statements do I have in my life?

2. How are they affecting me?

3. How can I rethink them to give myself more flexibility & take into account my own particular circumstances?

4. Why do I view life through should statements in the first place? What do they provide? Is it motivation? Is it structure?

Instead of using should statements as our motivation or structure (or whatever it is they provide for us) focus on the WANTS. What do we WANT to accomplish? How will it add value to your life?

For example:

Instead of saying, “I should wake up early” - try thinking, “I want to make the most of the day that I have.” Even if I sleep in, you can still be productive! I can still make the most of your day, and I haven’t put yourself in the position of having failed right from the start.

Start re-framing the statements. And don’t be too hard on yourself if you continue to think about and have these types of statements for a while. It’s hard to break habits. When you notice yourself using these statements, write them down. Look at what the statement is saying about yourself and think of the emotions that you are hoping to control with that statement. Consider why you are putting pressure on yourself with the statement.

How to re-frame our “should” statements:

1. Don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself thinking them – long term habits are hard to break! Instead, take note of them. Don’t let them go unacknowledged.

2. Write down the should statement. For example, “I should be more organized.”

3. Look at what the should statement is telling you about yourself. With the example above, this should statement is telling you that you’re looking for a little more control. You don’t want to feel frazzled or disoriented!

4. Instead of thinking only in terms of the “should” statement, implement thinking in terms of the emotions you’re trying to control with the “should” statement. Why are you stressed when things aren’t in your control?

5. Ask yourself: Is the pressure you’re putting on yourself through the “should” statement fair? If you aren’t more organized, what will happen? Will the problem really be gone if you get organized?

6. Go back to the original “should” statement. “I should be more organized.” Turn it into a more balanced statement. Something like: “When I have the opportunity, I want to find one small organization project to tackle.” This way, you’re giving yourself the benefit of circumstance.

   None of us have all the time to do everything we “should” do! Life is busy and complicated. We benefit from allowing ourselves a little breathing room. Especially when making goals that will help cut back on self-imposed guilt and shame, and allow us to look at our life with a little more positivity.

Learning to limit “should” statements is about learning to recognize where the internal pressure of the “should” statements is coming from.

It can be difficult to break away from using these types of statements. Often, they become normal in our lives. We might not even realize that we are doing this to ourselves.

Take some time to think about the words you say out loud or that you think to yourself. You might find that you are using “should” statements more often than you imagined. Fortunately, you can do something about it.

Once you have a better understanding of the effects of “should” statements, you can then re-frame and reword it so that you can swap out the “should” thoughts with others that are more realistic. You could say “I would like to lose weight and am working hard toward that goal in ways that are achievable for me” rather than using “should” statements. Do your best to not allow should statements or other negative thinking to dictate your life.

The key to re-framing our “should” statements is to make our language value driven and intentional, rather than shame and guilt filled. Instead of saying “I should,” try “I’d like to.” “I want to.”  “It’s important to me.” “I’ve made a commitment.”  “This is a priority to me”.

Should statements are also one of the most problematic statements that couples slip into during conversations.

You've likely heard comments like this before.

• "You should have known I was busy."

• "You know you shouldn't talk to me like that."

• "Do you really think that is how you should have handled that?"

If any of those sound familiar, you're not alone. Most people have heard comments like that in their relationships. 

Should statements are particularly damaging because they invoke a moral judgment. They go beyond just stating that you're unhappy or that the other person let you down. They convey a moral judgment of right or wrong. It isn't merely that I want something different. It is that you and your actions are simply unacceptable to me, beneath me.

It's not uncommon when your partner hears a should statement from you to believe that you see them as less than or inferior. In that situation, they will often feel anger or resentment and are likely to respond with defensive statements such as:

• "You should know that if you're busy and don't want to be interrupted that you should go to a different room." 

• "I talk to you the same way you talk. If you don't like it, change it yourself."

• "I handled it just fine. It seems like you're the one who has a problem here." 

The first “should” statement invited a defensive reply. The defensive responses are the invite to an argument. After that, an all-out argument results that almost inevitably leads to both you and your communicator feeling hurt, unloved, and unhappy. 

Sometimes should statements evoke a different type of reaction. You and/or your communicator either withdraws in acknowledgment of the error or may make an abrupt shift and bend over backward to fix it. 

From the outside, this type of reaction may seem positive since they appear to recognize that they need to change their actions. The problem is that there is a lot of damage done on the inside in the form of shame.

When your communicator feels shame, they likely see themselves as having failed or, worse yet, as actually being a failure. They may pull away from you and disconnect emotionally. Alternately, they may suddenly, desperately try to fix what went wrong to alleviate the shame and be good enough again. Either way, the shame at that moment is pushing the two of you apart.

Every time a “should” statement is made to us by someone else, there's an opportunity for a much more helpful statement about ourselves that could be made instead. That's because underneath every should statement is a need, want, or hope. The “should” statements are an (ineffective) attempt to convey a desire and wish for that needs to be met by the other person. 

The first step is to identify that need. Once that can be done, we can then figure out what the other person needs. By pairing the need with a specific, actionable request, we set up other person and ourselves for success. Let's look at our examples again.

• "You should have known I was busy" could be "I need to be able to concentrate and focus in moments like that. In the future, could you please knock and ask if I'm able to take a break before coming into the office and starting a conversation."

• "You shouldn't talk to me like that" instead would sound like "I need to hear kindness and respect in what you say even when you're not happy with me. Can you include more of that when we're talking about things like this?"

• "Do you really think that is how you should have handled that," could instead be "I need us to be on the same page and decide together how to handle big things like that. Can you please talk with me first next time?" 

Shifting from your communicator's action to your needs plays a critical role in setting the whole conversation up for success. When we state a need and then ask a question, we're giving our communicator a chance to save our day and be our hero. They have the information and know precisely what we are looking for from them. With this, they can meet our need, and we can feel good about them and the relationship. 

In conclusion – being on the receiving end of “should” statements from ourselves and from others is detrimental to our self-esteem and our ability to love ourselves. And to love others.

“Over time, we start viewing these “should” statements as absolutes, as rules we “must” follow. Maybe even at any cost.” -Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Please leave me a comment and let me know if this was helpful. 

https://linktr.ee/deelitefulphotography