SHOULD statements! Ugh. Whether we are "shoulding" ourselves or someone else is "shoulding" us - should statements can be so harmful to our hearts, our spirits and our ability to love ourselves.
A “should statement” is a negative thinking pattern that can cause feelings of guilt, doubt and fear in a person. These types of statements are a called cognitive distortions, and they can create a double edged set of conditions or options in a person’s perception that can be unhealthy.
Should statements, according to Courtney Ackerman, are “statements that you make to yourself about what you “should” do, what you “ought” to do, or what you “must” do. They can also be applied to others, imposing a set of expectations that will likely not be met.”
Should statements are thoughts that define what you think you SHOULD do. It’s a set of expectations that might not take your particular circumstances into consideration.
Should statements don’t necessarily seem like harmful thought patterns when we form them. And some “should” statements aren’t directly stated, but more implied.
These statements might sound like:
“Why haven’t I called that friend in so long?”
(Implication: I should call them more)
“When will I ever learn?”
(Implication: I should already know this.)
“I’m so annoyed with myself!”
(Implication: I shouldn’t be feeling this way.)
To be fair, some should statements can be helpful, if (and only if) they motivate immediate action, such as:
“I should put gas in the car tonight so I don’t have to stop tomorrow morning.”
“I should study for that exam.”
“We need clean dishes for tomorrow; I should run the dishwasher.”
However, this becomes a problem when it starts to normalize looking at our behavior through the duality of “should” and “should not.”
“Should” statements are sneaky.
They’re dangerous.
They subtly making us feel terrible about ourselves.
Most of us use the word “should” because we think it will be motivating. We think it will drive our behavior and get us to do something we’re supposed to do.
I should work out.
I should eat healthier.
I should call my parents more.
I should apply.
We use should statements as a way to highlight the path we think we should be taking.
We think that should statements will get our butt in gear and push us in a direction of being productive and engaged.
However, should statements aren’t motivating. In fact, they’re the opposite. The word “should” contributes to enormous amounts of shame. It leads to discouragement and despair. “Should” statements highlight and worsen feelings of inadequacy and feeling less than. “Should” statements create feelings of brokenness, not good enough, and faulty.
Should statements give us two options: pass or fail. However, life is much more complex than that!
And when we don’t meet the expectations that these “should” statements set up for us, we feel guilty, we feel shame, and we feel like we aren’t living up to our potential.
They contribute to guilt and shame
When we think in “should” statements, we immediately send ourselves on a guilt trip. We convince ourselves not only that we screwed up, but that we “shouldn’t” have messed up, for one reason or another.
“Should” statements aggravate shame.
Shame is easily triggered by “should” statements when we compare our current self with our imagined ideal self. People with mental health struggles, including depression, anxiety, and panic disorder, can have a particularly hard time with this. We may recognize our sad, anxiety, or fearful feelings, but because we think we “shouldn’t” have those feelings, we become even more anxious or avoidant.
To start the process of change, Ask yourself:
What should statements do I have in my life?
How are they affecting me?
How can I rethink them to give myself more flexibility & take into account my own particular circumstances?
Why do I view life through should statements in the first place? What do they provide? Is it motivation? Is it structure?
Instead of using should statements as our motivation or structure (or whatever it is they provide for us) focus on the WANTS. What do we WANT to accomplish? How will it add value to your life?
For example:
Instead of saying, “I should wake up early” - try thinking, “I want to make the most of the day that I have.” Even if I sleep in, you can still be productive! I can still make the most of your day, and I haven’t put yourself in the position of having failed right from the start.
Start re-framing the statements. And don’t be too hard on yourself if you continue to think about and have these types of statements for a while. It’s hard to break habits. When you notice yourself using these statements, write them down. Look at what the statement is saying about yourself and think of the emotions that you are hoping to control with that statement. Consider why you are putting pressure on yourself with the statement.
How to re-frame our “should” statements:
Don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself thinking them – long term habits are hard to break! Instead, take note of them. Don’t let them go unacknowledged.
Write down the should statement. For example, “I should be more organized.”
Look at what the should statement is telling you about yourself. With the example above, this should statement is telling you that you’re looking for a little more control. You don’t want to feel frazzled or disoriented!
Instead of thinking only in terms of the “should” statement, implement thinking in terms of the emotions you’re trying to control with the “should” statement. Why are you stressed when things aren’t in your control?
Ask yourself: Is the pressure you’re putting on yourself through the “should” statement fair? If you aren’t more organized, what will happen? Will the problem really be gone if you get organized?
Go back to the original “should” statement. “I should be more organized.” Turn it into a more balanced statement. Something like: “When I have the opportunity, I want to find one small organization project to tackle.” This way, you’re giving yourself the benefit of circumstance.
None of us have all the time to do everything we “should” do! Life is busy and complicated. We benefit from allowing ourselves a little breathing room. Especially when making goals that will help cut back on self-imposed guilt and shame, and allow us to look at our life with a little more positivity.
Learning to limit “should” statements is about learning to recognize where the internal pressure of the “should” statements is coming from.
It can be difficult to break away from using these types of statements. Often, they become normal in our lives. We might not even realize that we are doing this to ourselves.
Take some time to think about the words you say out loud or that you think to yourself. You might find that you are using “should” statements more often than you imagined. Fortunately, you can do something about it.
Once you have a better understanding of the effects of “should” statements, you can then re-frame and reword it so that you can swap out the “should” thoughts with others that are more realistic. You could say “I would like to lose weight and am working hard toward that goal in ways that are achievable for me” rather than using “should” statements. Do your best to not allow should statements or other negative thinking to dictate your life.
The key to re-framing our “should” statements is to make our language value driven and intentional, rather than shame and guilt filled. Instead of saying “I should,” try “I’d like to.” “I want to.” “It’s important to me.” “I’ve made a commitment.” “This is a priority to me”.
Should statements are also one of the most problematic statements that couples slip into during conversations.
You've likely heard comments like this before.
"You should have known I was busy."
"You know you shouldn't talk to me like that."
"Do you really think that is how you should have handled that?"
If any of those sound familiar, you're not alone. Most people have heard comments like that in their relationships.
Should statements are particularly damaging because they invoke a moral judgment. They go beyond just stating that you're unhappy or that the other person let you down. They convey a moral judgment of right or wrong. It isn't merely that I want something different. It is that you and your actions are simply unacceptable to me, beneath me.
It's not uncommon when your partner hears a should statement from you to believe that you see them as less than or inferior. In that situation, they will often feel anger or resentment and are likely to respond with defensive statements such as:
"You should know that if you're busy and don't want to be interrupted that you should go to a different room."
"I talk to you the same way you talk. If you don't like it, change it yourself."
"I handled it just fine. It seems like you're the one who has a problem here."
The first “should” statement invited a defensive reply. The defensive responses are the invite to an argument. After that, an all-out argument results that almost inevitably leads to both you and your communicator feeling hurt, unloved, and unhappy.
Sometimes should statements evoke a different type of reaction. You and/or your communicator either withdraws in acknowledgment of the error or may make an abrupt shift and bend over backward to fix it.
From the outside, this type of reaction may seem positive since they appear to recognize that they need to change their actions. The problem is that there is a lot of damage done on the inside in the form of shame.
When your communicator feels shame, they likely see themselves as having failed or, worse yet, as actually being a failure. They may pull away from you and disconnect emotionally. Alternately, they may suddenly, desperately try to fix what went wrong to alleviate the shame and be good enough again. Either way, the shame at that moment is pushing the two of you apart.
Every time a “should” statement is made to us by someone else, there's an opportunity for a much more helpful statement about ourselves that could be made instead. That's because underneath every should statement is a need, want, or hope. The “should” statements are an (ineffective) attempt to convey a desire and wish for that needs to be met by the other person.
The first step is to identify that need. Once that can be done, we can then figure out what the other person needs. By pairing the need with a specific, actionable request, we set up other person and ourselves for success. Let's look at our examples again.
"You should have known I was busy" could be "I need to be able to concentrate and focus in moments like that. In the future, could you please knock and ask if I'm able to take a break before coming into the office and starting a conversation."
"You shouldn't talk to me like that" instead would sound like "I need to hear kindness and respect in what you say even when you're not happy with me. Can you include more of that when we're talking about things like this?"
"Do you really think that is how you should have handled that," could instead be "I need us to be on the same page and decide together how to handle big things like that. Can you please talk with me first next time?"
Shifting from your communicator's action to your needs plays a critical role in setting the whole conversation up for success. When we state a need and then ask a question, we're giving our communicator a chance to save our day and be our hero. They have the information and know precisely what we are looking for from them. With this, they can meet our need, and we can feel good about them and the relationship.
In conclusion – being on the receiving end of “should” statements from ourselves and from others is detrimental to our self-esteem and our ability to love ourselves. And to love others.
“Over time, we start viewing these “should” statements as absolutes, as rules we “must” follow. Maybe even at any cost.” -Margarita Tartakovsky, MS
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