Self Love Masterclass #22

SHOULD statements! Ugh. Whether we are "shoulding" ourselves or someone else is "shoulding" us - should statements can be so harmful to our hearts, our spirits and our ability to love ourselves. 

A “should statement” is a negative thinking pattern that can cause feelings of guilt, doubt and fear in a person. These types of statements are a called cognitive distortions, and they can create a double edged set of conditions or options in a person’s perception that can be unhealthy.

Should statements, according to Courtney Ackerman, are “statements that you make to yourself about what you “should” do, what you “ought” to do, or what you “must” do. They can also be applied to others, imposing a set of expectations that will likely not be met.”

Should statements are thoughts that define what you think you SHOULD do. It’s a set of expectations that might not take your particular circumstances into consideration.

Should statements don’t necessarily seem like harmful thought patterns when we form them. And some “should” statements aren’t directly stated, but more implied.

These statements might sound like:

• “Why haven’t I called that friend in so long?”

  • (Implication: I should call them more)

• “When will I ever learn?” 

  • (Implication: I should already know this.)

• “I’m so annoyed with myself!”

  • (Implication: I shouldn’t be feeling this way.)

To be fair, some should statements can be helpful, if (and only if) they motivate immediate action, such as:

• “I should put gas in the car tonight so I don’t have to stop tomorrow morning.”
  “I should study for that exam.”
  “We need clean dishes for tomorrow; I should run the dishwasher.”

However, this becomes a problem when it starts to normalize looking at our behavior through the duality of “should” and “should not.”

“Should” statements are sneaky.

They’re dangerous.

They subtly making us feel terrible about ourselves.

Most of us use the word “should” because we think it will be motivating. We think it will drive our behavior and get us to do something we’re supposed to do.

• I should work out.

• I should eat healthier.

• I should call my parents more.

• I should apply.

We use should statements as a way to highlight the path we think we should be taking.

We think that should statements will get our butt in gear and push us in a direction of being productive and engaged.

However, should statements aren’t motivating.  In fact, they’re the opposite. The word “should” contributes to enormous amounts of shame. It leads to discouragement and despair. “Should” statements highlight and worsen feelings of inadequacy and feeling less than. “Should” statements create feelings of brokenness, not good enough, and faulty.

Should statements give us two options: pass or fail. However, life is much more complex than that!

And when we don’t meet the expectations that these “should” statements set up for us, we feel guilty, we feel shame, and we feel like we aren’t living up to our potential.

They contribute to guilt and shame

When we think in “should” statements, we immediately send ourselves on a guilt trip. We convince ourselves not only that we screwed up, but that we “shouldn’t” have messed up, for one reason or another.

“Should” statements aggravate shame.

Shame is easily triggered by “should” statements when we compare our current self with our imagined ideal self. People with mental health struggles, including depression, anxiety, and panic disorder, can have a particularly hard time with this. We may recognize our sad, anxiety, or fearful feelings, but because we think we “shouldn’t” have those feelings, we become even more anxious or avoidant.

To start the process of change, Ask yourself:

1. What should statements do I have in my life?

2. How are they affecting me?

3. How can I rethink them to give myself more flexibility & take into account my own particular circumstances?

4. Why do I view life through should statements in the first place? What do they provide? Is it motivation? Is it structure?

Instead of using should statements as our motivation or structure (or whatever it is they provide for us) focus on the WANTS. What do we WANT to accomplish? How will it add value to your life?

For example:

Instead of saying, “I should wake up early” - try thinking, “I want to make the most of the day that I have.” Even if I sleep in, you can still be productive! I can still make the most of your day, and I haven’t put yourself in the position of having failed right from the start.

Start re-framing the statements. And don’t be too hard on yourself if you continue to think about and have these types of statements for a while. It’s hard to break habits. When you notice yourself using these statements, write them down. Look at what the statement is saying about yourself and think of the emotions that you are hoping to control with that statement. Consider why you are putting pressure on yourself with the statement.

How to re-frame our “should” statements:

1. Don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself thinking them – long term habits are hard to break! Instead, take note of them. Don’t let them go unacknowledged.

2. Write down the should statement. For example, “I should be more organized.”

3. Look at what the should statement is telling you about yourself. With the example above, this should statement is telling you that you’re looking for a little more control. You don’t want to feel frazzled or disoriented!

4. Instead of thinking only in terms of the “should” statement, implement thinking in terms of the emotions you’re trying to control with the “should” statement. Why are you stressed when things aren’t in your control?

5. Ask yourself: Is the pressure you’re putting on yourself through the “should” statement fair? If you aren’t more organized, what will happen? Will the problem really be gone if you get organized?

6. Go back to the original “should” statement. “I should be more organized.” Turn it into a more balanced statement. Something like: “When I have the opportunity, I want to find one small organization project to tackle.” This way, you’re giving yourself the benefit of circumstance.

   None of us have all the time to do everything we “should” do! Life is busy and complicated. We benefit from allowing ourselves a little breathing room. Especially when making goals that will help cut back on self-imposed guilt and shame, and allow us to look at our life with a little more positivity.

Learning to limit “should” statements is about learning to recognize where the internal pressure of the “should” statements is coming from.

It can be difficult to break away from using these types of statements. Often, they become normal in our lives. We might not even realize that we are doing this to ourselves.

Take some time to think about the words you say out loud or that you think to yourself. You might find that you are using “should” statements more often than you imagined. Fortunately, you can do something about it.

Once you have a better understanding of the effects of “should” statements, you can then re-frame and reword it so that you can swap out the “should” thoughts with others that are more realistic. You could say “I would like to lose weight and am working hard toward that goal in ways that are achievable for me” rather than using “should” statements. Do your best to not allow should statements or other negative thinking to dictate your life.

The key to re-framing our “should” statements is to make our language value driven and intentional, rather than shame and guilt filled. Instead of saying “I should,” try “I’d like to.” “I want to.”  “It’s important to me.” “I’ve made a commitment.”  “This is a priority to me”.

Should statements are also one of the most problematic statements that couples slip into during conversations.

You've likely heard comments like this before.

• "You should have known I was busy."

• "You know you shouldn't talk to me like that."

• "Do you really think that is how you should have handled that?"

If any of those sound familiar, you're not alone. Most people have heard comments like that in their relationships. 

Should statements are particularly damaging because they invoke a moral judgment. They go beyond just stating that you're unhappy or that the other person let you down. They convey a moral judgment of right or wrong. It isn't merely that I want something different. It is that you and your actions are simply unacceptable to me, beneath me.

It's not uncommon when your partner hears a should statement from you to believe that you see them as less than or inferior. In that situation, they will often feel anger or resentment and are likely to respond with defensive statements such as:

• "You should know that if you're busy and don't want to be interrupted that you should go to a different room." 

• "I talk to you the same way you talk. If you don't like it, change it yourself."

• "I handled it just fine. It seems like you're the one who has a problem here." 

The first “should” statement invited a defensive reply. The defensive responses are the invite to an argument. After that, an all-out argument results that almost inevitably leads to both you and your communicator feeling hurt, unloved, and unhappy. 

Sometimes should statements evoke a different type of reaction. You and/or your communicator either withdraws in acknowledgment of the error or may make an abrupt shift and bend over backward to fix it. 

From the outside, this type of reaction may seem positive since they appear to recognize that they need to change their actions. The problem is that there is a lot of damage done on the inside in the form of shame.

When your communicator feels shame, they likely see themselves as having failed or, worse yet, as actually being a failure. They may pull away from you and disconnect emotionally. Alternately, they may suddenly, desperately try to fix what went wrong to alleviate the shame and be good enough again. Either way, the shame at that moment is pushing the two of you apart.

Every time a “should” statement is made to us by someone else, there's an opportunity for a much more helpful statement about ourselves that could be made instead. That's because underneath every should statement is a need, want, or hope. The “should” statements are an (ineffective) attempt to convey a desire and wish for that needs to be met by the other person. 

The first step is to identify that need. Once that can be done, we can then figure out what the other person needs. By pairing the need with a specific, actionable request, we set up other person and ourselves for success. Let's look at our examples again.

• "You should have known I was busy" could be "I need to be able to concentrate and focus in moments like that. In the future, could you please knock and ask if I'm able to take a break before coming into the office and starting a conversation."

• "You shouldn't talk to me like that" instead would sound like "I need to hear kindness and respect in what you say even when you're not happy with me. Can you include more of that when we're talking about things like this?"

• "Do you really think that is how you should have handled that," could instead be "I need us to be on the same page and decide together how to handle big things like that. Can you please talk with me first next time?" 

Shifting from your communicator's action to your needs plays a critical role in setting the whole conversation up for success. When we state a need and then ask a question, we're giving our communicator a chance to save our day and be our hero. They have the information and know precisely what we are looking for from them. With this, they can meet our need, and we can feel good about them and the relationship. 

In conclusion – being on the receiving end of “should” statements from ourselves and from others is detrimental to our self-esteem and our ability to love ourselves. And to love others.

“Over time, we start viewing these “should” statements as absolutes, as rules we “must” follow. Maybe even at any cost.” -Margarita Tartakovsky, MS

Please leave me a comment and let me know if this was helpful. 

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Self Love Master Class #21

 What is self-love? 

Before a we can practice Self-Love, we need to understand what it means.

"Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve." (Brain and Behavior Research Foundation)

Self-love can mean something different for each of us because we all have different ways of caring for ourselves. Figuring out what self-love looks like for you as an individual is an important part of your mental health.

What does self-love mean to you?

Maybe it means:

• Talking to and about yourself with love

• Prioritizing yourself

• Giving yourself a break from self-judgement

• Trusting yourself

• Being true to yourself

• Being nice to yourself

• Setting healthy boundaries

• Forgiving yourself when you aren’t being true or nice to yourself

• Listen to our bodies

• Take breaks from work and move/stretch.

• Put the phone down and connect to yourself or others, or do something creative.

• Eating healthily, but sometimes indulge in your favorite foods.

We can start with smalls steps and make them count – it might be a long journey, but it will be worth it! If we all have confidence, we will stop questioning every decision we take and move on to a better future. And our mental health will improve as well!

Failure?
Failing and messing up are parts of life, so you don’t need to be too hard on yourself. Loving yourself helps you be more aware of the possibilities and choices you have. When you start accepting your failures, you become kinder and quicker to forgive and move on. You start finding solutions rather than holding on to your problems. Not only do you accept your failures, but you become less insecure and more confident in trying them again. It's time to stop beating yourself every time you fail or make a mistake.

Relationships
Remember, we are the ones who teach others how to treat us. People notice when a we don't  have self-love or self-respect, and will disrespect us. We tolerate how others treat us when we tolerate it in ourselves.  It is an important aspect when it comes to relationships. Whether it's your friends, family or a romantic relationship, if you love yourself then you set a standard of how you will be treated in a certain relationship. So, if you want others to love and respect you – begin loving and respecting yourself first!

When you love yourself, you start taking care of yourself. A tiny waist or abs do not define a healthy body. A healthy person is one who takes care of their mental and emotional health as well as physical health. Start prioritizing self-care because mental well-being is as important as physical well-being, and you are the only one who can work for it.

For many of us, self-love is another way to say self-care. To practice self-care, we  need to go back to the basics such as:

Self-love means accepting ourselves as we are in this very moment for everything that we are. It means accepting our emotions for what they are and putting our physical, emotional and mental well-being first.

If you don’t know already, there is a connection between the way you feel about yourself and your mental health. Having no confidence in ourselves will make us doubt our passions, intentions, and goals. It isn’t easy to accept ourselves with all our flaws and character defects, but it isn’t impossible.

If you want to increase the happiness in your life and give your mind some mental peace – then take a step towards self-love, and take it today!

Leave me a comment:
Name one thing you will do today to show some love to yourself. 

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Dealing with Imposter Syndrome

***First - My apologies for not posting sooner. I have had a long week of auto-immune joint pain, brain fog, and headaches.***

 Today's topic is Imposter Syndrome

As a photographer, I experience Imposter Syndrome from time to time. When it happens, its usually because I begin to compare myself to other photographers. "Comparison is the thief of joy." The inner critic points out everything I am "doing wrong". This is the reason I do not follow other photographers on social media. (I do follow those that I consider educator/photographers)

What is Imposter Syndrome? 

Imposter syndrome is loosely defined as doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud. It disproportionately affects high-achieving people, who find it difficult to accept their accomplishments. Many question whether they’re deserving of recognition and accomplishments.

It’s that nagging feeling that you don’t belong, and it affects women and minority groups disproportionately. 

Here’s how to combat it.

It shows up like this:

• You feel like a fraud. 

• You devalue your worth. 

• You undermine your own experience or expertise. 

Here are a few suggestions to combat Imposter Syndrome:

• Make a list of things you do well. Make a list of at least 10 things that show you are just as qualified as anyone else for the what you do, things you do well. 

• Say your name aloud with Affirmations. “My name is Dyanne and I’m awesome!” 

• Own your accomplishments. Women tend to rationalize away their successes by assigning them to things like “luck,” “hard work” or “help from others” rather than the innate ability or intelligence than men often cite. Own the role you played in your success by forbidding yourself from falling back on excuses. Say these words out loud: “I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.”

• Visualize success. Visualize precisely how you’ll navigate the situation — successfully — before it happens. This is sometimes referred to as Manifesting.

• Talk to a colleague or friend. 

• Unsubscribe from doubt: 
• There are two kinds of doubt: 
• Self-doubt, which causes you to freeze up
• Idea doubt, which can motivate people to refine, test or experiment with a good idea. 
• Turn self-doubt into idea doubt - Tell yourself: "It’s not that I’m bad, it’s that the first few attempts of any idea are always not good — and I’m just not there yet."

• Decide to be confident. Literally make the choice to be confident. Raise your hand. Volunteer your expertise. 

• Remind yourself you’re good at what you do. 

REMEMBER!

Failure doesn’t make you a fraud. Even the best athletes screw up, the best lawyers lose cases, the best actors star in busts. Failing, losing and being wrong on occasion are all part of the job. Don’t let it define you. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.

Self-Love Masterclass #20

​Affirmations- 

Have you tried using affirmations? Did it feel weird? 

I began using positive affirmations 28 years ago. I started slow, using affirmations that felt acceptable to me. 

• I am a child of God
• I deserve good things 
• You’re fired. God’s in charge
• I am a good person 

I wrote them on post-it’s and taped them in various locations around my house: 

1. Bathroom mirror

2. Fridge door

3. My front door

4. My bedroom door 

I posted them were I saw them everyday - several times a day. 

Initially, it felt odd to say such positive things to myself. I had so much self-loathing that positive affirmations seemed like a lie. But I pushed through past the inner critic and followed through. 

I also thumbtacked a poster board above my bed. I wrote in large lettering, “I AM WORTHY”. When I went to sleep, it was the last thing I saw. When I woke, it was the first thing I saw. I colored it brightly so it stood out to me. 

Today, I still have various affirmations around my house. On my makeup mirror, “I can do hard things”. On my bathroom mirror, I have the Serenity Prayer posted. On my fridge door, I have various recovery slogans and quotes on magnets. On my laptop, I have a sticker, “I am worthy of wealth”. 

Many of my affirmations today are about money blocks and untrue beliefs about business and money. 

I have an app on my phone called Insight Timer. At night, I listen to guided meditations or affirmations while I sleep. Did you know that when listening to affirmations or meditations while sleeping, your brain hears the messages? I wake up feeling good about myself. 

Affirmations are a vital part of my life and everyday living. I believe in the saying “positive in, negative out”. I avoid (as much as possible) negative people and negative environments. 

I am a negative person by nature. And I believe negativity is contagious. If I surround myself with negative people who complain, compare, gossip, and blame, I will soon join in. Negativity is something I can’t afford. It makes me miserable, anxious, and depressed. Life is too short for that!! 

Today, I surround myself with people who are uplifting, supportive, and believe in me. That translates into me doing the same. I am uplifting, supportive, encouraging, and I believe in myself and others. Being around other positive people helps my mood stay upbeat. 

Something else I do that helps me stay positive- a vision board! I have my vision board on my phone wallpaper and Lock Screen. It’s my computer wallpaper. I see it daily. 

What’s on my vision board you may ask? 

1. My dream vacation: a cruise. I love cruises! 

2. My dream job - to become a full time boudoir photographer 

3. My dream home - a log cabin in the woods! 

4. Diamond jewelry - because I deserve it. 

5. Money - because financial security is my number one goal. 

6. My dream car - a Camaro fully loaded 

7. A Prada purse - I do love the finer things in life. 

8. A photo of my family. Some days - they are who motivates me to do good things 

9. Positive quotes about life, wealth, and happiness. 

10. Affirmations!  

You can create a vision board for free on canva.com. Print it. Save it. Post it. A vision board is what you use to keep you focus on your dreams and goals. Personalize it. Make it yours.

What affirmations are your favorites? 

What does/will your vision look like? 

Self-Love Masterclass #19

 Gratitude! 

I have been told for much of my life to "be grateful for what you have." My favorite saying, "You can't be hateful and grateful at the same time." and "Gratitude makes what we have, enough." 

BUT.... did you know gratitude changes our brain chemistry?

Scientists conducted a study in 2008 to measure the brain activity of people thinking and feeling gratitude. What they found was "that gratitude causes synchronized activation in multiple brain regions, and lights up parts of the brain’s reward pathways and the hypothalamus. Gratitude can boost serotonin and activate dopamine." Dopamine is our brain's pleasure chemical. The more we think positive, grateful thoughts, the healthier and happier we feel. 

(Zahn, R., Moll, J., Paiva, M., Garrido, G., Krueger, F., Huey, E. D., & Grafman, J. (2009). The neural basis of human social values: evidence from functional MRI. Cerebral cortex (New York, N.Y. : 1991), 19(2), 276–283. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhn080)

Thanks to the flexibility or plasticity of the brain, positive thinking can become a way of life. When your brain is flushed with positive thoughts, you can expect to improve every area of your life, including your relationships, health, performance at school, reaching your dreams and goals, and more.

Reprogramming the brain for a more positive outlook takes practice. Here are some ways to practice gratitude that will help increase confidence:

1. Write daily in a gratitude journal.
2. Listen daily to positive affirmations.
3. Practice meditation and stillness.
4. Give gratitude to others. (i.e. "I am grateful for your help.")

Gratitude improves our relationships. Showing appreciation can help us gain friends. Being thankful for our friends, spouse, family, and co-workers makes them more likely to keep an ongoing relationship. So,  thank a stranger for holding the door or send a thank-you note to that coworker who helped you with a project, acknowledging other people’s contributions can lead to new opportunities. Say thank you to your partner when he/she does something you appreciate. Chances are they will do it more often. 

Gratitude improves our physical health. Did you know that grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and report feeling healthier than other people? And, unsurprisingly, grateful people are more likely to take care of their health. They exercise more often and are more likely to attend regular check-ups, which is likely to contribute to further longevity. And when we feel better physically, it has a positive impact on our mental and emotional health. 

Gratitude improves mental health. Gratitude reduces a multitude of toxic emotions, from envy and resentment to frustration and regret. Gratitude increases happiness and reduces depression. Higher levels of gratitude are also associated with greater self-esteem and is an indication of well-being. 

Gratitude enhances empathy. Grateful people are more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, even when others behave less kindly, according to a 2012 study by the University of Kentucky. Participants who ranked higher on gratitude scales were less likely to seek revenge against others, even when given negative feedback. They experienced more sensitivity and empathy toward other people and a decreased desire to retaliate.

Grateful people sleep better. Writing in a gratitude journal improves sleep, according to a 2011 study published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. The study revealed that spending 5 minutes making a gratitude list before bed aids in sleeping better and longer. When you cultivate gratitude throughout the day, you're more likely to have positive thoughts as you're drifting off to sleep. Rather than obsessing over the friend who forgot to call, you think about the coworker who stayed late to help you. Instead of obsessing over bills, you thinking of the new client you just landed. With a grateful heart, you're more likely to drift off into a peaceful slumber.

Gratitude improves self-esteem. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology found that gratitude increased self-esteem. Other studies have shown that gratitude reduces social comparisons. Rather than becoming resentful toward people who have more money or better jobs—a major factor in reduced self-esteem—grateful people are able to appreciate other people’s accomplishments.

Gratitude increases mental fortitude. Gratitude not only reduces stress, but it may also play a major role in overcoming trauma. One study found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the terrorist attacks on September 11. Recognizing all that you have to be thankful for — even during the worst times — promotes adaptability and flexibility.

Try this:

• Once a day. Every evening, jot down 5-10 things from that day for which you're thankful. You might consider downloading a gratitude journal app to your phone.

• Once a week. Give a polite "thank you" when someone holds the door is fine. But now and then, give fuller expression to your appreciation. Take a few minutes to tell someone just how much a kindness has meant to you.

• Once a month. Write a letter thanking someone whose generosity has made a difference in your life. Sending it by email or postal mail is okay, but hand-delivery is always better.

I'll leave you with a story from my life. 

Many years ago, I had a lady who was a mentor to me. I complained to her constantly about how nothing was right in my life. My job was terrible, my kids were acting out, and my husband was worthless when it came to helping around the house. 

One day, she told me that I needed to become grateful. I replied, "Grateful for what?" 

She gave me a strong suggestion: "Every day, I want you to say "Thank you for..." everything I touched. From the bed I woke up in, to the toothbrush I brushed my teeth with. She told me to find something to be grateful for about my children and my husband no matter how small. AND - she suggested I say thank you to everyone that crossed my path.  She grave me a journal to write down all of the things I was grateful for. 

I was amazed at the end of the second week, how much I had to be grateful for. I felt better. My family noticed the difference as well. As my appreciation for my family grew, the more they were available to help. 

AND I felt better about myself. I was no longer comparing my life to the lives of others and what they had that I didn't. What I had was enough. And I was enough. 

I challenge you to do the same!