Self Appreciation

“You’re either self-appreciating or self-depreciating. There is no middle.”― Lana M. H. Wilder

What is Self-Appreciation?

• Self-appreciation is the process of appreciating yourself.

• Appreciating yourself is about being grateful for yourself.

• Self-Appreciation is not self-esteem,  it’s not about feeling special but accepting our uniqueness instead.

• Self appreciation is saying thank you to ourselves, for all the things that we usually compliment others. 

• Self appreciation, means we appreciate ourselves not because we’re better than others, but because all people possess goodness.

• Self Appreciation is about consciously acknowledging the positive within us, without the need to compare ourselves to others.

• Self-appreciation can change our life by transforming negative beliefs of ourselves into positive and nurturing beliefs.

I believe looking within is the first step whenever I find myself at a crossroads of decision-making. I, as well as many of us, ask ourselves, “I am doing the right thing?” or “Am I capable of doing this thing or not?”

Sometimes it’s more difficult to see what’s right about ourselves than what’s wrong. For some of us even thinking about our positive traits makes us uncomfortable. Praise and compliments make us squirm, and we have no idea how to respond without feeling self-conscious. Flattery feels a lot better than insults, but how many of us really take the praise in? Own it. Feel it. Delight in it. For many reasons, it’s often more difficult for us to feel positively about ourselves. Much of this stems from fear.  One fear involves setting up high expectations of ourselves and others. Minimizing our positive traits means that we’re more likely to pleasantly surprise others by doing well rather than disappoint them by doing poorly. If we’re in the habit of putting ourselves down, recognition of our positive qualities will feel foreign to us. Another fear is the perception of being vain.

So how do we celebrate our admirable qualities in a healthy way? I believe the answer is self-compassion, which involves treating ourselves with kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness when considering our perceived inadequacies — though in a different guise. I like to call it “self-appreciation.” When we can enjoy what’s good about ourselves, acknowledging that all people have strengths as well as weaknesses, we allow ourselves to revel in our goodness without evoking feelings of arrogance or overconfidence.

We need to consider kindness as it applies to self-appreciation. Would you take your friends’ good qualities for granted without ever acknowledging them or letting your friends know what you like about them? Probably not, yet many of us do so to ourselves.

It’s a great gift of self-kindness to appreciate ourselves and to demonstrate our approval with sincere praise. We don’t have to speak this praise aloud, making ourselves and others uncomfortable in the process. But we can quietly give ourselves the inner acknowledgment we deserve.

The sense of common humanity inherent to self-appreciation means that we appreciate ourselves not because we’re better than others, but because all people have goodness in them. To appreciate others’ goodness while ignoring our own creates a false division between us and them. It creates a sense of "better than" or "less than".

Celebrating our achievements is no more self-centered than having compassion for our failings. We can’t really claim personal responsibility for our gifts and talents. They were born from our genetics, the love and nurturing of our parents, the generosity of friends, the guidance of teachers, and the wisdom of our collective culture. Appreciation for our good qualities, then, is really an expression of gratitude for all who have shaped us as individuals. Self-appreciation humbly honors those who have helped us become the person we are today.

Self-appreciation also involves mindfulness. Just as we need to notice others’ good qualities in order to appreciate them, we need to consciously acknowledge our own positive features. However, we’re often so focused on our mistakes and flaws that we don’t even see when we get things right. Try meditating and focusing on your positive qualities and traits. 

What do you notice most when you get a work evaluation, the nine points of praise or the one point of criticism? Some may be concerned that if we focus too much on what’s right about ourselves we’ll ignore much needed areas of growth. If we take a lopsided view of ourselves — “I am perfect and have no weaknesses whatsoever” — this would be a problem. But the truth is that every human being has both positive and negative traits. Rather than running with an exaggerated story-line about either - good or bad - we need to honor and accept ourselves as we authentically are. No better and no worse. The key is having balance and perspective so that we can see ourselves without distortion.

William James wrote, “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.” We can meet this essential need without depending on other people to approve of us. When we treat ourselves with the same kindness with which we treat our good friends, we’ll have the support and care required to help us thrive.

Here’s some ways we can can show ourselves some self-appreciation:

• Look back and reflect on where you’ve been in your life.

One of the easiest ways to show self-appreciation is practicing reflection. Reflecting gives you the ability to learn new skills by looking at how far you have come. Looking back on where you came from can give you a sense of strength in truly understanding where you can go, providing optimism for the future. 

 

• Put time into your physical health.

This doesn’t mean going on a diet or starting an extreme exercise routine. It means making sure your body is fueled by food that makes you feel good and that you get regular physical exercise. Evidence has shown that when you take care of your body and put time into your physical health, you can have a greater sense of appreciation for who you are and all that your body can do

• Put time and energy into what you value. 

Connecting with something greater than ourselves and finding meaning in what you value can really help you appreciate ourselves by allowing you to have a greater connection and meaning. Finding what you value can be a task. To do this, list 5 people who you look up to or that are role models for you. Think about why those people are important to you and the values they stand for. This can help you realize some of the values you embody as well.

• Evaluate the way you talk to yourself.

We all have self-talk and sometimes that self talk can be our worst enemy. One thing you can do is identify the negative cycles of self-talk. Try to identify when you start having more negative self dialogue. When those cycles are identified, you can start turning them around. When you start to doubt yourself over something you are about to do or have done, allow yourself to turn the fear and doubt into an opportunity, and instead make it positive.

• Make a gratitude list of your talents and assets.

Often times we leave ourselves off our gratitude list, but it is important to make sure you show self-appreciation. By recognizing and reflecting on where you’ve been and where you can go, putting time into your physical health, figuring out what it is that you truly value, and lastly evaluating the way you talk to ourselves, you can show ourselves the same gratitude you would show others.

Most of us have the habit of beating ourselves up all the time. We criticize ourselves for not getting things right, we are rushing, pursuing and doing all day and all night. And yet there is a nagging voice in the back of our head saying you are not good enough, you are not worthy, you can’t make it. Self-appreciation is the key to release self-criticism and low self-esteem. Self-appreciation is the loving light that will gently uplift your authentic self.

Here are 7 ways self-appreciation can help you improve your life:

1. Improved Self-esteem

2. Increased Self-forgiveness

3. Increased Self-understanding

4. Increased Self-worth

5. Mindfulness and Body Awareness

6. Less procrastination

7. Self-Growth

Being appreciative of ourselves is as simple as using kind words on ourselves.

Change how you speak to yourself.

Think of the language you would use when you are being appreciative of someone else.

By practicing self appreciation you experience the opportunity to become closer in recognizing our own inner values, and as a way to heal our spiritual and emotional well being.

Leave me a comment and say hello!

Thank you!
Dyanne

https://linktr.ee/deelitefulphotography

Dealing with Imposter Syndrome

***First - My apologies for not posting sooner. I have had a long week of auto-immune joint pain, brain fog, and headaches.***

 Today's topic is Imposter Syndrome

As a photographer, I experience Imposter Syndrome from time to time. When it happens, its usually because I begin to compare myself to other photographers. "Comparison is the thief of joy." The inner critic points out everything I am "doing wrong". This is the reason I do not follow other photographers on social media. (I do follow those that I consider educator/photographers)

What is Imposter Syndrome? 

Imposter syndrome is loosely defined as doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud. It disproportionately affects high-achieving people, who find it difficult to accept their accomplishments. Many question whether they’re deserving of recognition and accomplishments.

It’s that nagging feeling that you don’t belong, and it affects women and minority groups disproportionately. 

Here’s how to combat it.

It shows up like this:

• You feel like a fraud. 

• You devalue your worth. 

• You undermine your own experience or expertise. 

Here are a few suggestions to combat Imposter Syndrome:

• Make a list of things you do well. Make a list of at least 10 things that show you are just as qualified as anyone else for the what you do, things you do well. 

• Say your name aloud with Affirmations. “My name is Dyanne and I’m awesome!” 

• Own your accomplishments. Women tend to rationalize away their successes by assigning them to things like “luck,” “hard work” or “help from others” rather than the innate ability or intelligence than men often cite. Own the role you played in your success by forbidding yourself from falling back on excuses. Say these words out loud: “I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.”

• Visualize success. Visualize precisely how you’ll navigate the situation — successfully — before it happens. This is sometimes referred to as Manifesting.

• Talk to a colleague or friend. 

• Unsubscribe from doubt: 
• There are two kinds of doubt: 
• Self-doubt, which causes you to freeze up
• Idea doubt, which can motivate people to refine, test or experiment with a good idea. 
• Turn self-doubt into idea doubt - Tell yourself: "It’s not that I’m bad, it’s that the first few attempts of any idea are always not good — and I’m just not there yet."

• Decide to be confident. Literally make the choice to be confident. Raise your hand. Volunteer your expertise. 

• Remind yourself you’re good at what you do. 

REMEMBER!

Failure doesn’t make you a fraud. Even the best athletes screw up, the best lawyers lose cases, the best actors star in busts. Failing, losing and being wrong on occasion are all part of the job. Don’t let it define you. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.

Self-Love Masterclass #20

​Affirmations- 

Have you tried using affirmations? Did it feel weird? 

I began using positive affirmations 28 years ago. I started slow, using affirmations that felt acceptable to me. 

• I am a child of God
• I deserve good things 
• You’re fired. God’s in charge
• I am a good person 

I wrote them on post-it’s and taped them in various locations around my house: 

1. Bathroom mirror

2. Fridge door

3. My front door

4. My bedroom door 

I posted them were I saw them everyday - several times a day. 

Initially, it felt odd to say such positive things to myself. I had so much self-loathing that positive affirmations seemed like a lie. But I pushed through past the inner critic and followed through. 

I also thumbtacked a poster board above my bed. I wrote in large lettering, “I AM WORTHY”. When I went to sleep, it was the last thing I saw. When I woke, it was the first thing I saw. I colored it brightly so it stood out to me. 

Today, I still have various affirmations around my house. On my makeup mirror, “I can do hard things”. On my bathroom mirror, I have the Serenity Prayer posted. On my fridge door, I have various recovery slogans and quotes on magnets. On my laptop, I have a sticker, “I am worthy of wealth”. 

Many of my affirmations today are about money blocks and untrue beliefs about business and money. 

I have an app on my phone called Insight Timer. At night, I listen to guided meditations or affirmations while I sleep. Did you know that when listening to affirmations or meditations while sleeping, your brain hears the messages? I wake up feeling good about myself. 

Affirmations are a vital part of my life and everyday living. I believe in the saying “positive in, negative out”. I avoid (as much as possible) negative people and negative environments. 

I am a negative person by nature. And I believe negativity is contagious. If I surround myself with negative people who complain, compare, gossip, and blame, I will soon join in. Negativity is something I can’t afford. It makes me miserable, anxious, and depressed. Life is too short for that!! 

Today, I surround myself with people who are uplifting, supportive, and believe in me. That translates into me doing the same. I am uplifting, supportive, encouraging, and I believe in myself and others. Being around other positive people helps my mood stay upbeat. 

Something else I do that helps me stay positive- a vision board! I have my vision board on my phone wallpaper and Lock Screen. It’s my computer wallpaper. I see it daily. 

What’s on my vision board you may ask? 

1. My dream vacation: a cruise. I love cruises! 

2. My dream job - to become a full time boudoir photographer 

3. My dream home - a log cabin in the woods! 

4. Diamond jewelry - because I deserve it. 

5. Money - because financial security is my number one goal. 

6. My dream car - a Camaro fully loaded 

7. A Prada purse - I do love the finer things in life. 

8. A photo of my family. Some days - they are who motivates me to do good things 

9. Positive quotes about life, wealth, and happiness. 

10. Affirmations!  

You can create a vision board for free on canva.com. Print it. Save it. Post it. A vision board is what you use to keep you focus on your dreams and goals. Personalize it. Make it yours.

What affirmations are your favorites? 

What does/will your vision look like? 

Self-Love Masterclass #18

​I had a lofty goal last month to do 28 days of self love. And here it is - March 12, 2022. I had good intentions I swear! And daily blogging is more difficult than I thought! 

I decided for this blog, I will tell the backstory of my passion for self-love and self-acceptance, as well as self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and self patience. 

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I didn’t know it was dysfunctional until I was older and realized other families didn’t act like mine. My dad was a “functioning” alcoholic. My mom was his enabler. I had 4 brothers all younger than I. We moved at least once a year until I was 16. I didn’t go to the same school two years in a row. My brothers were my best friends. There was a lot of physical, emotional and sexual abuse in our home. No one talked about any of it. 

I learned a lot of untrue beliefs that became survival skills:

1. I am not whole without a man.

2. I can get what I want by using my body

3. Put everyone else before myself

4. Sacrifice my life for my children

5. Women are not as important as men

This is how I lived my life from young adulthood until I was 50. There was something jarring about turning 50. My kids were grown and with their spouses. I was a widow - twice. I had a college degree, a successful outpatient substance abuse clinic, and lots of friends. Yet I was still unhappy. 

I didn’t like me. When I looked in the mirror, it was with disgust. And on the outside, I looked successful and confident. 

So began my journey of learning to love me. I ended a relationship with a guy I had been dating for 5 years. I moved in with my oldest son until I could find my own place. I bought my own car for the first time. And 3 months later moved into my apartment. It was the best thing I’d ever done. I got a pet - my cat named Lucy. 

I set out to become my own best friend. I slowly decorated my apartment the way I wanted. Without anyone else’s input. I began “dating” myself. I went to dinner alone. Went to the movies alone. I spent time with my grandchildren, going bowling, going to the local parks. And for the first time, I felt free. I told my inner critic to take a hike. My inner critic was telling me that it was all temporary. That I needed a man. That I couldn’t support myself financially. I told the inner critic to “watch me. I am successful. I can do this. I am an amazingly strong and determined woman.” 

I found something to love about my body every day. I love my feet - they carry me where I need to go. I love my legs. They are strong and shapely. I love my stomach. It provides nutrition to the rest of my body. Life grew in my tummy. I worked out - not to punish myself - but to be stronger and healthier, because I love myself. I love my arms. They give loving hugs. My arms have my hands at the end. My hands are beautiful tools. They feed me, fix my hair, do my makeup, and wash the rest of me. And so it went. 

I went to therapy. I knew it was the key to unloading all the baggage from my family of origin. Therapy was the key to unpacking the baggage to two marriages that ended with my husbands dying. One from and overdose and one from lung cancer. 

Living alone for a year without dating or even having sex with another person was the best thing I did. Every day I felt stronger. More confident. I unpacked those untrue beliefs that’s held me back from my own potential.   

The inner critic is still here with me, but my positive self is louder. I no longer give my inner critic a voice. I give my positive self the voice. 

My mother was my biggest supporter. My personal cheerleader. The person who believed in me before I could believe in me. And I learned that I am that person too. I am my biggest cheerleader. I believe in me today. I am my biggest supporter. No one is responsible for me but me. 

I don’t need another person to save me or support me today. I am saving myself. I am loving myself. I started a new business- a boudoir photography business. Deeliteful Photography LLC. I am determined to succeed. Whatever that looks like for me. I accept failure as a part of success. Learning is success. 

My journey to self love has not been linear, but more peeling of the layers to get to the core of who I am. Sometimes, I’m sad that it took me 50 years to start the journey. And here I am continuing and leading by example. My goal is to show others that self love is important. Vital. Life-saving. And self love is a necessity,  as much as food and water are to live. 

I will leave you with some quotes from author and podcaster Glennon Doyle. Her book, Untamed, has changed my life forever! 

Please leave me a comment. Tell me about your journey to self love. 

Self Love Masterclass #14

 We are more than our bodies.

Have you looked at photographs of yourself and thought, “OMG. I look so fat. I need to lose weight!”

YOU ARE MORE THAN A BAD PHOTO OF YOURSELF.

And we are more than our physical appearance.

We have developed this terrible tendency of longing after the bodies of other people. We follow excessive fitness and celebrity accounts on Instagram, admire models in magazines and become envious of every Victoria’s Secret model after their annual fashion show. We fixate on our “flaws”, strive to transform our bodies to look exactly like the person we wish we were and hate ourselves when we fall short.

Sad, isn’t it? We’ve become used to loving the bodies of others and have grown to hate our own. I’d be lying if I said I was not guilty of such a thing. For years, I destroyed myself mentally by hating the person I was physically. I’d wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and grab onto my stomach in disgust.

“Why can’t I be skinnier? Why can't I look like ‘so and so’?”

The questions were endless and depressing. All of a sudden, I realized that throwing a pity party every day was becoming quite sad, depressing, and unhealthy. I was longing after this “healthy” (translation “perfect”) body, but my mental health took a backseat, as well as my self-esteem. Hating my body wasn't getting me anywhere.

I’ve seen the same happen to plenty of people around me over the years. We want to look a certain way, so we take extreme measures to get there —anorexia, bulimia, self-harm, etc.

When did being healthy mean we had to self-destruct in the process?

Being healthy is not just about having abs, being at an ideal weight and eating salad.

Enjoying life, loving the body you are in (regardless of shape/size/color) and having balance is what makes us healthy.

IT IS TIME TO LOVE YOURSELF!

I cannot stress the importance of that enough. At the end of the day, you are you. We are not the number on the scale. We are not fat or bones or whatever else we may call ourselves.

We are human beings with our own likes, dislikes, goals, talents and much more. Maintaining our physical health is important, but keeping our mental health is the key.

We need to love every part of ourselves — the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly — unconditionally. No one is perfect, not even the photo-shopped celebrities in the magazines we wish we looked like. If you decide to embark on a health journey or are already on one, understand that it isn’t all about the workouts and the proper nutrition.

Our journey is a chance for us to accept ourselves for all that we are, to better ourselves in ways that we’ve always wanted and to be doing it for the right reasons.

STOP doing things you don’t like, STOP punishing your body for being a body. START living life the way you want and LOVE yourself along the way. There is too much hatred in this world… the last thing you should be doing is adding more.

Here are some tips for increasing self love:

1. Call out what you see

We’re swamped with images these days, most of which have been heavily photo-shopped. A lot of the images we end up comparing ourselves to are not even real bodies. We see ourselves from the moment we wake up, tired and puffy eyed – we only see other people putting their best foot forward. No one is perfect. We all have off-days and we all have things about ourselves we don’t like. Remind yourself of that next time you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else.

2. Choose what you look at

Subliminal messages sneak into our subconscious without us noticing it. On social media, unfollow any of the brands or magazines that imply anyone should ever change themselves or improve their appearance. Fortunately, people are starting to call out this behavior and promote healthier body image with hashtags like #bodypositive. Remember: there is no perfect body or bikini body – there are simply bodies!

3. Start loving your body exactly as it is, however hard it feels

It’s easy to say things like you’re going to feel happier with your body when you get in better shape. But the truth is, you’re much more likely to start treating your body better when you like it. Start working on loving your body first – that’s true self-acceptance. 

4. Be YOU

You don’t have to be perfect, you simply have to be you. And when you’re comfortable being you, then you shine. Being authentic is the most attractive quality there is. Find a vibe or look that makes you feel comfortable and ignore the rest. Trends mis-sell the idea that we have to dress or appear a certain way in order to be attractive. The best thing you can be is you.

5. Celebrate your body as an instrument not an ornament

Run, swim, dance, laugh! Celebrate all the amazing things your body does for you everyday.

6. Indulge your body

Whether it’s a restorative yoga class, a weekly massage or a trip to the nail salon…. Do something different and indulgent that makes you feel good. Eat that steak dinner!

7. Stop your inner critic in its tracks

Most of us are much harder on ourselves than we would ever be with friends. Next time your inner critic rears its ugly head, call it out and make a list of the things you love about yourself instead.

8. Make peace with your body and become friends. 

Speak to your body like you would your best friend. 

Self Love Masterclass #13

If I had to guess, I’d say that human beings have been comparing themselves to one another since the beginning of time.

Sometimes these comparisons can be helpful. They can give you a baseline for improvement and inspire you to change.

Other times, they can be a means to pick yourself apart and see everything that you think is wrong with yourself.

Comparison has been a constant experience for me. I note my friends’ successes or an Social Media influencer figure and feel envious. Or a photographer who has a different editing style or is great at composite images in Photoshop.

When I was younger, I met a girl – I will call her Adrienne.

She was everything I wasn’t. Or everything I thought I wasn’t. Bright, funny, outgoing. She was beautiful. She had a perfect body (in my eyes). People adored her instantly, and luck always seemed to land squarely at her feet.

Adrienne quickly became one of my close friends. Despite our deep bond, her beauty always tore me apart.

She was like a mirror, but all I could see were my shortcomings staring back at me.

Everything I achieved felt tainted by her achievements, which, somehow, always seemed superior. I could never measure up, no matter how hard I tried. It crushed me on a daily basis.

I might have expected these feelings at 16, but I was 30, a grown-up. But Adrienne brought my insecurities into sharp focus.

On an intellectual level, I knew there were things that were great about me. But emotionally, I just couldn’t get there.

By comparison, everything in my life seemed less than. I wasn’t as pretty nor as fun. I wasn’t as fearless nor as talented. I didn’t have as many friends, and I wasn’t as appealing to the opposite sex.

My confidence was taking a beating, and I felt truly worthless. All of these feelings were amplified by the guilt I had for feeling this way about a friend. I sought practical advice from my mentor that I could use to help me get past these feelings.

I knew that I was going to need some serious help to get over this.

Here is what I learned from this experience.

Name your inner critic

Debbie, my mentor, cut right to the chase and explained something important to me: Naming something gives it less power.

Debbie had me give my inner critic — that critical voice inside that points out all of my perceived inadequacies — a name and identify the voice, who was behind the voice.

I recognized quickly that it was my own voice, I named her Stella, and as we got better acquainted, I discovered she was particularly nasty. Stella wanted me to think I was never good enough.

She liked to remind me that I often let fear get the better of me, that I could stand to lose a few pounds, and that I’m an awkward mess in big groups.

It was agonizing to hear how I’d let this voice in my head berate me. Now that I’d given her a name, I could recognize when she spoke up.

I could begin the next crucial step in freeing myself from the comparison trap: starting a conversation with her.

Be your own best friend 

I’ve always considered myself a good friend, but Debbie pointed out that I wasn’t being a particularly good friend to myself.

“How would you comfort a friend in a crisis?” she asked me.

I replied that I would sit with her and discuss her feelings. I’d comfort her and remind her what a great person she is. I’d probably give her a great big hug.

Debbie told me that when Stella gets in the driver’s seat, I need to speak to her with love and understanding.

When Stella popped up in my head, I started a conversation. I’d ask Stella how she was feeling and why she might be feeling that way. I’d empathize with her, offer her words of encouragement, and remind her of all the reasons she’s great.

Debbie, my mentor, had one simple rule: “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.”

By following this rule, I started to understand where some of my insecurities were coming from. I was able to unpack why Adrienne triggered these feelings in me.

I came to realize that both of us were at similar points in life and that she was excelling in the exact areas I felt I was failing.

Keep a record of achievements

When we compare ourselves to others, we focus on all of their strengths and achievements and ignore our own. That’s why Debbie encouraged me to keep a record of all the good things I had done.

It didn’t matter what they were: If it was something I felt proud of, I made a record of it. Soon, I had a bulging notebook of things I had accomplished over the weeks.

If I aced a project at work, I recorded it. If I helped a friend in a crisis, I wrote it down. If I dragged myself to the gym on a morning I really didn’t want to go, I wrote it down.

Looking at all I had achieved, both big and small, boosted my self-esteem. I felt a swell of pride. Adrienne was great, I realized, but in so many wonderful ways, so was I.

Practice self-care

Running a hot bath and pouring yourself a hot cup of tea be great self-care, but we can take it even further. Self-care can involve honest and a self inventory.

It’s a process of looking inward and seeing what you find. Debbie encouraged me to keep a journal and jot down my thoughts, particularly when I was in a self-esteem spiral downward.

Once those thoughts were on the page, I had the power to observe them and decide whether or not they were true or just a result of me feeling inadequate.

I was able to unpack them and understand where they may have come from, what triggered them, and it was incredibly freeing.

It wasn’t always easy. Confronting some of my darker feelings was hard, but looking them straight in the eye gave me the power to begin moving forward.

Be proactive

My comparison journey didn’t end there.

Yes, I felt clearer on my unique talents, skills, and qualities. I was much more confident, and I no longer saw Adrienne as my rival. I felt lighter. My friends noticed that I seemed to be feeling better about myself.

I wasn’t weighed down by feelings of inadequacy anymore or worrying about hiding my jealousy. I could celebrate Adrienne's successes, as well as my own.

Comparing myself made me feel lost. It had deprived me of joy and made me feel miserable. The self-doubt I was feeling played out in other areas of my life.

I wasn’t always present with friends because I was playing the comparison game in my head. Relationships were doomed to failure because I didn’t feel good about myself from the start.

Once Debbie helped me gain the tools, I had a clearer focus on what I wanted in life and how I could get it. I didn’t feel burdened by the self-doubt that had held me back before. Shaking off comparison had allowed me to enjoy life again.

Working with these tools is an ongoing practice. Even now, I know I need to keep up that self-talk with Stella and continue adding to my record of achievements. I know it’s important to regularly look inward to confront uncomfortable emotions.

Breaking free from comparison is not a linear journey. There are bumps in the road, moments of insecurity, and doubt. But maintaining the practice that Debbie taught me has helped keep my self-esteem on an even keel.

There will always be someone prettier, more talented, intelligent, bubbly, or outgoing. For me, the trick is knowing the unique value of what I bring to the table.

I challenge you to write down all your successes and accomplishments for 30 days. Buy a notebook or journal and write them down. Daily. Every day we have success! Even if it is “I got out of bed when I didn't want to.” Write it down!

Self Love Masterclass - Day 9

Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.

Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy. It’s neither selfish, nor self-indulgent, and neither egotism, nor narcissism. Actually, egotists and narcissists don’t love themselves at all.

A “big ego” is compensation for lack of self-love. Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together). Love is an art form that takes dedication and practice, not something you win or fall into. Rather, being able to love is an ability that has to be developed. It involves effort and begins with learning to love yourself.

We have been influenced by Christian beliefs that we’re basically sinful, and thus self-love has been considered sinful. But since we are suppose to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” how can loving your neighbor be a virtue and self-love be a vice? We are part of a humanity as worthy of love as the next person. Many kind, religious people are able to love others, but unable to love themselves. They believe having a high regard for themselves is indulgent, conceited, arrogant, or selfish. The opposite is true. The greater is your love of self, the greater will be your love of others. The inverse is also true; hatred of others is indicative of self-hatred.

When you love someone, you try to understand their experience and world view, although it differs from your own. You offer your attention, respect, support, compassion, and acceptance. Your caring involves knowledge, responsibility and commitment. These virtues are not separate from each other, because love is unified. As we develop these abilities, our capacity to love ourselves and others grows.

Developing the abilities of attention and compassion require discipline and time. To learn anything requires that you desire it and find it worthy of your effort. Although self-love is certainly an important goal, our society is full of distractions, and its emphasis on speed, performance, and productivity make developing self-love a challenge. Meditation, yoga, martial arts are helpful in learning self-awareness and focusing attention.

Compassion for yourself enables you to witness your feelings, thoughts, and actions with acceptance, caring, and understanding as you would when empathizing with another. Compassion is expressed with gentleness, tenderness, and generosity of spirit – quite the opposite of self-criticism, perfectionism, and pushing oneself. When most people are stressed, overwhelmed, or exhausted, they attempt to do even more, instead of caring for themselves. If you weren’t nurtured as a child, self-nurturing can be absorbed in therapy over time. You’ll learn to integrate the acceptance and empathy offered by your therapist. Self-compassion differs from self-pity, which is a judgment about your situation or feelings. Rather than acceptance and compassion, self-pity says, “It shouldn’t be this way.”

Self-love entails faith and courage to take risks and overcome life’s setbacks and sorrows. Faith in yourself enables you to comfort yourself and face challenges and failures without lapsing into worry or judgment. You develop the ability to see yourself objectivity and know you’ll survive, despite present emotions. If you constantly seek validation and reassurance from others, you miss the opportunity to develop these internal functions.

As knowledge is per-requisite to love, spending time alone with yourself is essential to identify and listen to your feelings with sensitivity and empathy. Acquiring the ability to witness and contain your emotions are also abilities necessary for self-love.

Perhaps you’ve concluded that learning self-love isn’t easy. Look at it this way. Throughout the day, you’re confronted with many opportunities to disregard or acknowledge/embrace your feelings, to judge or to honor them, to keep commitments and be responsible to yourself, and to act in accordance with your needs, values, and feelings.

You have an opportunity to learn self-love all the time. Every time you talk yourself down, doubt yourself, exhaust yourself, dismiss your feelings or needs, or act against your values, you undermine your self-esteem. The reverse is also true. You might as well make healthier choices, because you and all your relationships will benefit.

Become mindful of your feelings. Decide that you want 100% responsibility for the ways in which you may be causing your own pain, and for creating your own peace and joy.

Assignment:

Turn off the TV, unplug from social media, and any other noise or distractions - for 15 minutes - to get centered, while moisturizing your skin slowly, with intention. As you massage your feet, thank them for getting you to where you need to go; as you moisturize your hands, love them for all the transactions and introductions they've helped you with throughout your life. For a moment, stop taking your body for granted and give yourself gratitude.

Once you are done moisturizing, sit in silence, alone for 15 minutes. Let your thoughts flow freely. Listen for your Spirit, for your Higher Power's (higher self/universe) message. Listen for a loving message. Let your Higher Power's love wrap around you. Envision sitting in your Higher Power's lap. His/Her arms wrapped around you, hugging and loving you. Unconditionally. Feel this love. You have 15 minutes to feel the connection on a deep level.

Self-love Masterclass - Day 8

 I forgot to post for yesterday. And I forgive myself for it. 

I was researching and developing today's email and stumbled upon this Self-Love Quiz:

https://pathofselflove.org/assessments/self-love-quiz/

And here are the scores for my "5 Gates of Self Love":

Being Compassionate With Myself 26 out of 35

Loving My Body 27 

out of 35

Living My Heart & Soul Desires 30 

out of 35

Having Loving Respectful Relationships 33 

out of 35

Taking Care of Myself 34 

out of 35

Here's proof I am on this journey with you. Practicing being compassionate is difficult some days! In the past 2 years my health has deteriorated due to Lupus, Diabetes, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. 

In my mind, I am still capable of the things I did 2 years ago - exercise and lift weights, go hiking, go to dances, etc. Except - when I try to do those same things now, there are consequences - I'm super exhausted for 2-3 days, swelling and pain in my joints. I become angry at myself for
1. aging (I'm 58)
2. Having 3 auto-immune diseases 

3. making poor decisions when younger - in my mind - I blame my poor choices on my health issues now. 

All of which I am powerless over. I have committed to being more kind and compassionate to myself - per the previous self-love email. 

I would never tell my best friend, "your health issues are all your fault. You're old. You made really poor choices years ago and now you pay the price! Suck it up cupcake!" 

In fact, I would do the opposite. I would be loving, comforting, and empathetic. 

Even more so - I would practice some spiritual principles and do what I can to help her in her bad days. I would check in on her more often. And most of all I would love and hug her. 

Why do I/we have a struggle in doing these things for ourselves? 

Playing the victim is a dangerous place to be. 

Furthermore, survivors of abuse (I am) do not learn self-care or self-love. What I learned instead is quite the opposite – abuse to myself. 

Emotionally beating myself, placing unrealistic demands on myself, being self destructive with alcohol, drugs, food, work, money, sex and love addiction, in my choices in relationships, self-harming behaviors or attempted suicide or in feeling suicidal. 

One thing has become abundantly clear: the inability to value, nurture or love myself.

How do we learn to treat ourselves differently? 

In my own experience, it has taken a lot of practice over time. I began a journey of spirituality based in love and forgiveness, and slowly identified negative beliefs that live deep inside me, such as "I am not good enough. I’m unlovable. I’m ashamed. I’m inadequate,"

The following are examples of negative beliefs: 

• I don’t deserve love; 
• I am worthless; 
• I cannot trust myself; 
• I am a disappointment; 
• I did something wrong; 
• I am different; 
• I deserve to be miserable; 
• I am a failure; 
• I should have known better;
•  I am weak;
• I cannot succeed. 

Pay attention to some phrases you attach to your situations.

When negative beliefs surface It is important to ask yourself, 

• “When did I start to believe this about myself?” 
• How old do I feel when I have this negative belief? 
• Do I feel younger, and if so, do I have any memories attached to them? 
• What feelings surface? 
• What sensations do you experience in your body with each thought? 
• Do you feel tight, jittery, anxious, tingling? 
• Are you holding your breath?

Noticing and writing down negative beliefs I attached to a situation was important. 

For example, I might have shared at a (recovery) meeting and then afterwards I thought I was inadequate. My share was not good enough. 

The thought led to my emotional experience of shame and a desire to hide, which was a result of my abuse. 

My abuse left no room for me to evaluate myself clearly since it was a conditioned response. I began sharing in meetings about the aftermath experience of inadequacy and shame. People would come up to me in recovery meetings to tell me how much they valued what I say. 

Sharing honestly about myself and getting feedback helped motivate me to look at my harsh, negative self talk.

I also wrote about each situation in which these thoughts surfaced; what the belief was and what it would be like if I believed differently, always turning it into a positive thought. 

I did not suddenly believe it, of course, but the act of practicing turned a negative belief into something positive. "I am not good enough" became "I am good enough", which led to change. I also wrote about how I would feel if I attached a positive belief about myself to the situation, which helped me to create another outcome.

When someone asks me if they can change their negative thinking, my first response is, “Are you tired of your negativity and, secondly, are you willing to practice a different behavior?” 

Only through repetition and practice do we change conditioning. For instance, if I were consumed with negative thinking, I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over again to disrupt the negative thoughts – “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” These words resonate with me and it is a prayer often said in recovery meetings. 

At first it seemed that I frequently had to repeat this prayer, and repetition paid off because I was unwilling after time to entertain my negative self-talk. I have learned to trust that my recovery (positive) voice will intervene, so at some point I stopped.

Practicing different behaviors leads to those behaviors becoming your own. Do not wait for change to come about. Seek change by taking responsibility to do something different. Whether it is practicing a thought, a feeling, or a behavior, the act of practicing leads to change. Over time we heal.

Self-love is a spiritual journey.

Part of self love is turning away from self-destructive behaviors:

• paying attention to the nutrition I put in my body, eating for nutrition and fuel - NOT for comfort
• Accepting my limitations and not pushing myself, giving myself permission to rest.
• Asking for help when I need to rest and household chores need to be done
• Boundaries - SAY NO! I have stopped overextending myself and saying no. Without feeling guilty.
•   Become mindful of your feelings. Decide that you want 100% responsibility for the ways in which you may be causing your own pain, and for creating your own peace and joy.   

Let's all practice this daily routine: 

• Look in the mirror daily and say something positive about yourself. Not just your physical appearance. I look into your eyes and see deeper down into your soul. 
• What do you long to hear? At first it can feel silly or embarrassing but the act of doing this leads to you becoming a better friend to yourself, not one that whispers in your ear all that is wrong with you, but one that appreciates you and sees the good.
• If you don’t value yourself, how will you believe that others do? 
• Start practicing today – not tomorrow.

Question of the day:
On a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest)

How willing are you to feel pain and take responsibility for your feelings?

*****************************************

Ponder this:

If your feelings live inside you, how can someone hurt them?