Self-Love Masterclass #18

​I had a lofty goal last month to do 28 days of self love. And here it is - March 12, 2022. I had good intentions I swear! And daily blogging is more difficult than I thought! 

I decided for this blog, I will tell the backstory of my passion for self-love and self-acceptance, as well as self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and self patience. 

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I didn’t know it was dysfunctional until I was older and realized other families didn’t act like mine. My dad was a “functioning” alcoholic. My mom was his enabler. I had 4 brothers all younger than I. We moved at least once a year until I was 16. I didn’t go to the same school two years in a row. My brothers were my best friends. There was a lot of physical, emotional and sexual abuse in our home. No one talked about any of it. 

I learned a lot of untrue beliefs that became survival skills:

1. I am not whole without a man.

2. I can get what I want by using my body

3. Put everyone else before myself

4. Sacrifice my life for my children

5. Women are not as important as men

This is how I lived my life from young adulthood until I was 50. There was something jarring about turning 50. My kids were grown and with their spouses. I was a widow - twice. I had a college degree, a successful outpatient substance abuse clinic, and lots of friends. Yet I was still unhappy. 

I didn’t like me. When I looked in the mirror, it was with disgust. And on the outside, I looked successful and confident. 

So began my journey of learning to love me. I ended a relationship with a guy I had been dating for 5 years. I moved in with my oldest son until I could find my own place. I bought my own car for the first time. And 3 months later moved into my apartment. It was the best thing I’d ever done. I got a pet - my cat named Lucy. 

I set out to become my own best friend. I slowly decorated my apartment the way I wanted. Without anyone else’s input. I began “dating” myself. I went to dinner alone. Went to the movies alone. I spent time with my grandchildren, going bowling, going to the local parks. And for the first time, I felt free. I told my inner critic to take a hike. My inner critic was telling me that it was all temporary. That I needed a man. That I couldn’t support myself financially. I told the inner critic to “watch me. I am successful. I can do this. I am an amazingly strong and determined woman.” 

I found something to love about my body every day. I love my feet - they carry me where I need to go. I love my legs. They are strong and shapely. I love my stomach. It provides nutrition to the rest of my body. Life grew in my tummy. I worked out - not to punish myself - but to be stronger and healthier, because I love myself. I love my arms. They give loving hugs. My arms have my hands at the end. My hands are beautiful tools. They feed me, fix my hair, do my makeup, and wash the rest of me. And so it went. 

I went to therapy. I knew it was the key to unloading all the baggage from my family of origin. Therapy was the key to unpacking the baggage to two marriages that ended with my husbands dying. One from and overdose and one from lung cancer. 

Living alone for a year without dating or even having sex with another person was the best thing I did. Every day I felt stronger. More confident. I unpacked those untrue beliefs that’s held me back from my own potential.   

The inner critic is still here with me, but my positive self is louder. I no longer give my inner critic a voice. I give my positive self the voice. 

My mother was my biggest supporter. My personal cheerleader. The person who believed in me before I could believe in me. And I learned that I am that person too. I am my biggest cheerleader. I believe in me today. I am my biggest supporter. No one is responsible for me but me. 

I don’t need another person to save me or support me today. I am saving myself. I am loving myself. I started a new business- a boudoir photography business. Deeliteful Photography LLC. I am determined to succeed. Whatever that looks like for me. I accept failure as a part of success. Learning is success. 

My journey to self love has not been linear, but more peeling of the layers to get to the core of who I am. Sometimes, I’m sad that it took me 50 years to start the journey. And here I am continuing and leading by example. My goal is to show others that self love is important. Vital. Life-saving. And self love is a necessity,  as much as food and water are to live. 

I will leave you with some quotes from author and podcaster Glennon Doyle. Her book, Untamed, has changed my life forever! 

Please leave me a comment. Tell me about your journey to self love. 

Self Love Masterclass #12

​The most tragic misunderstanding of our time:

I struggled as a new Mom. My old, familiar life had vanished overnight and I felt lost and insecure. 

Furthermore, I never experienced that instant connection with my child and required a few weeks to slowly develop motherly love.

But one day, while I was sitting on the sofa rocking my son to sleep in my arms, I looked at him and suddenly realised how infinitely worthy and valuable he was.

Yet, he wasn’t famous, influential or wealthy. He wasn’t successful, had no University qualifica- tions or impressive achievements.

He just was worthy. He didn’t need to be or do anything. He was worth magnified.

And that’s when I started to understand that, all this time, I had been the victim of an enormous (and disastrous) misunderstanding!

Self-worth cannot be increased through our actions or achievements. 

We cannot force ourselves to overcome feelings of unworthiness. 

And it’s also unnecessary.

Because our commonly accepted concept of self-worth is flawed. 

The surprising truth about self-worth

We usually define self-worth as the perception of our own worth.

The problem is that our industrialised societies focus intensely on competition, materialism, image, prestige, power, achievement, beauty and fame.

Hence, our worth becomes externally dictated. We are assigned a certain level of worth based on our bank account balance, (society defined) success level, popularity or usefulness (to society).

If you don’t fulfil the criteria, you have no worth. If you work hard and achieve greatness, you gain worth. If you fail or make a mistake your worth is diminished. Simple as that!

But if that was actually true, my son would be completely worthless!

And that’s when I finally realised that the elusive self-worth I had been chasing for most of my life is not a character trait, physical feature or invisible muscle. It isn’t even an emotion.

Self-worth is awareness. Nothing else.

The awareness of our true inner worth. We ARE worth personified. Every one of us.

This realization was the fundamental step to healing my self-worth.

Have you ever looked at a newborn baby and thought: “This thing is worthless! Let’s hope he will grow up to be smart, attractive or famous so he can earn some worth in time.”

Or have you ever watched a toddler stand in front of a mirror in a sparkly dress and tell herself: “You even make this gorgeous dress look atrocious. You are so ugly, fat and pathetic.”

Honestly, I would be shocked if you have! At the beginning of our lives we just know that we ARE worth!

We trust that the world is an amazing, friendly place and understand that the Universe caters to all our needs because we deserve safety, love and happiness.

We incessantly fight for what we want and we express ourselves confidently (and loudly) in order to achieve our goals.

We don’t care what others think of us, we aren’t bothered about making mistakes. We just try again!

We are proud of the tiniest achievement. We know we are awesome. We even love our poo... because we made it!

But then life happens. We are exposed to society’s values and judgements. 

We experience failure, disappointment, criticism and rejection. We start to doubt our worth because others don’t seem to see it.

And little by little the awareness of our true inner worth disappears. We forget our true self. Low self-worth is born. 

We then struggle through life unknowingly suffering from worth amnesia!

But here is the deal! You ARE worth by default. It’s a pre-existing feature. It is who you are!

Your true inner worth is infinite. And because it is limitless, it can never disappear. Yes, you might FEEL unworthy, inferior or undeserving because you have no memory of your true worth. But you ARE still worth. 

Always! Forever. No exceptions!

And now is the time to remember it!

Repeat daily to yourself: I am infinitely Worth!