Loving Myself through Chronic Illness

I have had a long few years of medical symptoms since 2013. I've had odd rashes. And lots of blood tests. My hands burn and turn red. More blood work. Joint pains and fatigue. More blood work and referrals to numerous specialists – dermatologists, orthopedic doctor, and a rheumatologist. I've been diagnosed with rosacea on my face (across my cheeks), dry eye syndrome, "light sensitivity", I've been told I have Lupus, then told I didn't have Lupus. I was told I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but its “mild. And I have been diagnosed with bursitis, osteoarthritis diabetes, and again, Lupus. I'm 58. In the past 3 years, I have developed “complex migraines” that have triggered stroke-like symptoms. These symptoms are frightening. And the migraines are awful. I also have depression and anxiety.

I have decided I need to love myself through all of my health issues.

We all need to love ourselves. Aging is something we will all do, if we are privileged. I want to do so gracefully, especially with chronic illness.

Self-Love Is: Not Spiraling in Guilt

Having a chronic illness means I will go through guilt, disappointment, and anger with myself when I'm not capable of doing something I really needed, wanted, or said I would do. I feel trapped inside a mind that wants to do a lot and a body that wants to do nothing.

Self-Love Is: Owning My Mistakes

Self-love is realizing I am human. I get foggy, forgetful, and sometimes sloppy due to fatigue or pain. Lupus brain fog is REAL!! I make mistakes — minor to very questionable ones. I get lost easily when driving. I can sit here and wallow in self-pity for my mistakes, or I can move on and learn from them.

Self-love is being kind, compassionate, and patient with myself.

Self-Love Is: Setting Boundaries

This might look like not watching too much TV, not eating too much junk food, not staying up too late, or just saying no to anything I know that will lead to me feeling worse down the road, make me feel uncomfortable, or get me in trouble.

Self-love is reminding myself that these things are a temporary coping mechanism and do not lead to feeling better in the long run.

Self-love is also letting go of toxic people and situations. This includes removing someone who is emotionally draining from my life or someone who doesn't believe I am sick. This includes saying no to plans because I know they will leave me too exhausted.

Self-Love Is: Recognizing I Still Have Value

I recently quit my “day job”. It was my consistent income. However, I drove 1.5 hours to and from work. It was a grueling drive through a mountain with lots of curves. I quit at the recommendation of my family, and my neurologist and rheumatologist. The drive was taking a toll on my body and creating more pain than it was worth. My kids and hubby feared I would have another stroke like migraine and not be able to get help. (there is 45 minutes of the drive without a cell phone signal). We all agreed I would quit my job and focus on my photography business. I struggle now with feeling like I am not contributing to my household. I feel like a burden. However, my husband is extremely supportive and reminded me that I supported him while he looked for a job – for over a year.

When I reflect on what I can still do to participate – sell my handcrafted jewelry, sell my clothing that I can or don't wear, on Mercari or Poshmark, and go out and market my photography business.

This is so much healthier than focusing on my losses. Reframing my thoughts to focus on what I CAN do instead of what I CAN'T do is healthier.

Self-Love Is: Giving My Body What It Needs to Thrive

Nourishing myself with healthy foods and exercise is part of my process for practicing self-love.

Processed, high carb, high fructose/sugar foods trigger inflammation and leave me sluggish, fatigued, in pain, and depressed. And they raise my blood sugar and I feel even worse. 

I remind myself that while such foods may be satisfying in the moment, it does not make me feel better or help my performance. That does not mean completely eliminating my trigger foods, as enjoying them in moderation is key. I have learned how to listen to the subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle signs that my body says about what it needs.

I dislike exercising. However, my husband reminds my I always feel better after I do it. I remind myself to go slow as well. I have a tendency to go “ALL IN” on anything and create burn out or too much pain quickly. I can't afford to burn out myself or create more pain. Taking it slow and doing what I'm capable of each day – "progress not progress" is my motto.

Self-Love Is: Embracing Alone Time

My life has become lonely sometimes since I've became chronically ill. Some friends have moved on with their lives or I just don’t have much in common with people I used to spend time with before my diagnoses.

I learned to reach out to those who I know are in my corner. Or are part of my support network. Especially when I feel alone. I have found virtual (zoom) support groups and have made new friends. And found new friends who also have chronic illnesses like me. When I feel alone, I’ve also also found that embracing self-care rituals help makes being alone a bit more enjoyable.

Self-Love Is: Art

There’s no one definition or way to practice self-love. The important thing is how I talk to yourself and treat myself each day. Doing so is a necessary part of living with chronic illness. Without self-love, I wouldn’t be able to practice self-care.

Self-love and self-care are an ongoing journey. It’s normal to struggle and I sometimes still do. It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s definitely okay to ask for help. Research shows that those living with depression and anxiety tend to have poorer outcomes with chronic illness, so treating my mental health is as important as treating my physical health.

But just because practicing self-love is hard doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

Without self-care and self-love, I wouldn’t be me.

Check the facts

When feeling symptoms, especially ones like pain, fatigue, or weakness, it’s easy to “catastrophize” what I’m experiencing and assume that the pain will never end, or that I’ll never feel any better.

This is especially difficult with chronic illness because the truth is, I won’t feel completely better or have the same level of energy or lack of pain that my able-bodied friends do. Still, there’s a balance between assuming the worst and accepting reality.

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), there's a practice called “checking the facts”. This basically means seeing whether my view of a current situation lines up with reality. For me, this works best when I’m feeling immense anxiety or sadness around my current condition. I like to ask myself a simple question, “Is that true?”

This technique helps when my brain begins to spiral around self-pity and fear, believing I will always be alone, sitting in a chair while my friends explore.

“Is that true?” I ask myself. Usually, the answer is no.

Today might be a hard day, but not all days are this hard.

Practice Gratitude

One of the most helpful things I’ve learned to do is keep a gratitude journal for when things go right.

Within it, I note the good: my cat’s warm body against mine as I sleep, good days with minimal pain, the way the sunlight beams through my plants in the morning, my husband doing the dishes, being able to order groceries online, etc

It’s as simple as writing down the little things that make me feel good.

It’s harder to notice the good within my own body, but that helps restore balance, too.

I try to notice what my body is doing well — even if all I can come up with is that I’m breathing and continuing to move through the world.

Some days, I wake up in so much pain, I focus on what's in front of me each minute and write down that thing or situation as being something I'm grateful for.

Advocate for yourself

Upon returning home from a camping trip with my husband and some friends, I crawled into bed and began to cry. I was afraid to admit how hard it had been for me. I felt exhausted, defeated, and ashamed of my failing body.

I realized I needed to advocate for myself. Tell my husband when I've had enough. Or when I need a nap. Or ask a friend to fix a plate for me during mealtime.

Advocating is hard work, because there’s always the fear of rejection, and more than that, the fear of not deserving to speak up for what you need.

Speak up. It’s worth it. People will listen. And if they don’t, find the people who will.

Turn to body positive role models

One of my favorite ways to encourage myself on bad days is to look at body positive role models. This is especially relevant for me when I feel shame around weight gain or the way my body physically looks.

I am always on the search for people and role models that make me feel proud of whatever shape I am and whatever way my body needs to be right now.

Remember, any shape or form or weight or number still deserves love, attention, and care. There’s no version of you or your body that deems you undeserving of such things. None.

One of my favorite role models is Terri Hofford on Instagram:
https://www.instagram.com/terihofford/

Remember that feelings are valid

Finally, I allow myself feel. As cliché as this sounds, it’s crucial.

The day I returned from camping and let myself cry, I felt real grief. Deep, full, overwhelming grief that I lived in a world where people could become sick and not get better. That doesn’t go away. No amount of gratitude, intentional self-care, or anything else will make that different.

Part of loving my body on bad days is just accepting the knowledge that there will always be bad days and limitations. Those bad days suck and aren’t fair. Sometimes they come with sadness and grief so big I worry it will swallow me.

I let that be my truth for the moment. I allow myself to be sad or angry or grief-stricken.

Then, when the wave passes, I move on.

Good days exist too, and both me and my body will be there when they arrive.

Be Kind to Yourself!
Self-compassion means being kind to myself when I am experiencing pain, fatigue, or migraines. This is so important when living with a long-term chronic illness. Living with a chronic illness is hard so why make it even harder? We all deserve compassion and that includes ME! When I am having a high pain/fatigue day, the best thing I do for myself is have compassion for my body. My illnesses are something I have to manage every hour of every day. Self-compassion makes it so much easier. I strongly recommend you make it a daily habit! It actually helps me figure out how to deal with difficult situations. I have learned how to be kind and forgiving to myself. I choose self-compassion over self-blame and self-criticism.

If you have chronic illness please be kind to yourself.

If you have a chronic illness, please reach out to me. Let's support each other!

Leave a comment below and send me and email:

Email: Deelitefulphotography@gmail.com

Websites I found helpful while writing this blog:

• https://themighty.com/2018/02/hygiene-products-cant-shower/
• https://themighty.com/2017/08/hacks-tips-showering-chronic-illness/
• https://www.iswaswillbe.com/

Can you relate?

So relatable!

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Spirituality and Self-love

 The basis of any spiritual practice is self-love.

Self-love and spirituality go hand-in-hand. When we grow spiritually, we also grow our self-love and vice versa. If you’ve been feeling like you're not connecting with your own self-love then perhaps it's time to focus your spirituality.

Spiritual self-love is a beautiful way to incorporate move love into your life in very simple ways, but more importantly, it connects you to you, the most important connection in life. Without your own connection, you will constantly look for it elsewhere, outside of yourself. You will constantly be disappointed when you can’t find it.

Learn how to love yourself spiritually through self-love practices. Learn how to love with your soul, not only for yourself but for others too!

Self-love and spiritual awakening go hand-in-hand. If you commit to self-love, you also commit to deeper spiritual transformation. Love is a quality of the heart and soul – and when you actively seek to expand that sense of self-compassion, you are also awakening new parts of your being.

Perhaps this is the most enchanting thing about self-love: it’s not just a surface practice, it is actually a spiritual path. When we are devoted to loving the Divine essence within ourselves, our practice takes on a more meaningful, deeper, quality.

Spiritual self-love is all about being good to yourself, learning to be comfortable in your skin; to love, honor, appreciate and accept all of yourself. This includes the “good parts” and the “not-so-good parts.”

It is to smile in the mirror, love your reflection, hug yourself and quietly accept and know that you will get through all difficulties with grace.

On the spiritual path, the first step is really self-love. If you want to live a life that feels joyful, abundant and so on, then you have to first start with yourself. You have to first start with self-love.

Here are some ways to become more spiritual on your journey of self-love:

• Foster Mindfulness to Help You Cultivate Self-Love

• Practice Self-Care

• Forgive Yourself

• Set Boundaries

• Live Intentionally

• Breathe

• Spend time in nature

• Keep a gratitude journal

• Pray

• Meditate

When we learn to love ourselves fully and wholly, amazing things happen!

• You will feel freer and lighter in your energy

• Your vibration and energy levels will be lifted

• You will feel confident and good about yourself

• You will accept yourself just as you are

• You will feel empowered to make changes in your life from a place of love

• You will no longer tolerate being a doormat or not standing up for yourself

• You will feel more grateful about yourself and your life

• You will raise your levels of self-esteem

• You will have more love to give in your relationships

• You will open your heart to attracting more loving relationships

Thank you for reading my blog today. 

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Self-Love #27

Self-forgiveness is not an easy thing because it involves recognizing uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. Some of us see self-forgiveness as a reminder that we are not perfect. And some of us see it as a way to love ourselves while accepting our flaws and defects.

It's difficult to forgive ourselves without doing what is necessary to make peace with ourselves from within. Self-forgiveness requires understanding, empathy, and thoughtfulness for ourselves. We all have the ability to forgive ourselves. It is something we must choose to practice most days/weeks/months/years.

Choosing to forgive ourselves doesn’t mean we are weak. It doesn't mean we are off the hook for our choices and actions. Self-forgiveness means we accept our actions and behaviors that occurred all the while, being willing to move in a positive direction. We can’t change what happened. Forgiving ourselves means letting go of the feelings and emotions associated with our flaws and defects. We let go of resentments and anger towards ourselves. It may be easier to forgive than to forgive ourselves.

Several things happen when we take the necessary steps to forgive ourselves. We accept responsibility for our actions and choices. We talk about our feelings of remorse, guilt, or other similar emotions that are associated with unacceptable behaviors and choices. We make amends with ourselves while repairing our self-trust. Self-forgiveness helps focus our thoughts on taking improved, positive actions in the future. When we are responsible with our actions, choices, and attitude, we show compassion for ourselves while putting our mistakes behind us. Accepting our actions limits the amount of guilt and regret.

It is normal to feel guilty when we've done something wrong. Guilt is simply a starting point to change our behavior. Feeling guilt is a healthy emotion. We can view ourselves as a good person that simply made a mistake. Shame is the emotion that makes us see ourselves as a bad person. Shame brings unwanted feelings that can lead to depression or addiction. When we acknowledge our mistakes, it doesn’t take away from our values.

Forgiving ourselves lets us move in a positive, forward direction with a new focus on our thoughts and actions. We are less likely to hate ourselves later or dwell our mistakes. We are ready to grow and be open-minded to gaining understanding about our actions. We review what we've learned about ourselves and how it can help us in the future. These actions place us in a better position to forgive ourselves in the future as well.

Understanding the act of self-forgiveness is vital to self-love and self-compassion. One of the most crucial benefits of self-forgiveness is to improve our self-image. As we learn and practice how to forgive ourselves, it reduces the risk of anxiety and depression. As we learn self-compassion, and we also naturally increase our self-esteem. And, in turn, we are more likely to maintain positive growth and reach goals.

If we don’t forgive ourselves, our mental health suffers in more ways than one. We may not realize that our mental health is suffering. If we don’t learn or practice aspects of self-forgiveness, we result to negative self-criticism and will struggle to move on from our mistakes. If we struggle to forgive others, then we will struggle with self-forgiveness.

Our mental health is essential in many areas of our life. It plays a vital role in decision-making and problem-solving. When we feel good about ourselves, we make better choices with long lasting positive effects in our lives.

Self-forgiveness is significant to our emotional health. We can practice forgiveness through a variety self-help methods, and sometimes, by working with a therapist or counselor. We never have to be ashamed of making mistakes. We ca learn healthy ways to forgive to improve our well-being and our outlook on life.

Self-forgiveness is a choice that says, “I want what is best for myself”. It is a reminder that we have to make tough choices sometimes and we are capable of working through consequences to see results.

Learning and practicing forgiveness benefits our physical health. We reduce the risk of physical aspects such as pain, high blood pressure, and increased cholesterol levels. Self-forgiveness helps us stay calm and focused. We are more likely to do activities that benefit our body while coping with unwanted emotions. Relationships with others benefit from our self-forgiveness. We are more likely to establish a healthy emotional bond with others while being able to repair them when difficult situations arise.

Self-forgiveness isn’t always easy. It can be hard to accept the fact w made a mistake. Dwelling on our mistakes can lead to self-hatred. It may not be easy to forgive ourselves if we’re can't repair what we did or or make things right. It is hard to come to terms with our behavior when it doesn't align with our values or beliefs. Sometimes deep feelings of remorse and guilt can result in doing something that doesn't line up with our values.

Sometimes, we would rather obsess about the problem because we don’t want to admit to our faults. Self-forgiveness requires that we change when we acknowledge our wrong. Sometimes, we are simply not ready to do so. Acknowledging we need to change is a start, then we need to engage in appropriate action to move forward productively.

Practicing self-forgiveness encourages our minds and bodies to calm itself when facing uncomfortable emotions. If we refuse to forgive ourselves, it becomes easy to fall into a mental trap of shame, anger, depression and despair. Instead of berating ourselves about the situation, being proactive is a healthier decision. Self-forgiveness reinforces this aspect while keeping anxiety and depression at bay. Practicing self-forgiveness also helps us learn valuable lessons essential to self-improvement.

Here are a few tips to practice:

1. Spend time understanding what forgiveness means. Sometimes we are quick to overlook the concept of self-forgiveness because we assume what happened was okay. Think about when a friend hurt you unintentionally, and they apologize while asking for your forgiveness. You may have felt worried or hurt for a minute, but when they acknowledged what they did, you felt better. It was easy for you to move on and not let it bother you. The concept is similar when forgiving ourselves. We need to be honest about our feelings. We need to accept that we not perfect and we make mistakes. We can’t grow if we’re not willing to move forward purposefully. We hold ourselves accountable by being trustworthy. It makes it easier to release unwanted feelings, so they don’t affect our mental health.

2. Acknowledge your feelings and what you did. You can’t learn from a situation unless you are honest about it. Put aside any judgment and focus on the situation for what it is. What emotions are you feeling? Focus on gaining an in-depth understanding of the situation. Your feelings don’t define how you respond to the situation. Taking the time to admit your wrongs helps you see things clearly while minimizing remorse and fault. You’ll also want to admit the lesson learned and how to improve moving forward.

3. Make amends, make changes, and be compassionate. Making amends is an indication that you feel bad about the pain you caused yourself. Making changes includes doing meaningful actions that will make a difference in your future. The changes you make may reflect what you learned from the situation. You may need to change your behavior, attitude, or your perception about certain situations. It may include getting involved in a meaningful way, such as giving your time and energy to ensure things are made right. Compassion includes taking time to love yourself. Self-love is vital to helping practice self-forgiveness and self-forgiveness is vital to self-love. When you learn how to treat yourself with kindness and how to accept yourself, you give the same to others more easily.

Thee greatest impact of self-forgiveness is feeling free of shameful emotions. Self-forgiveness lifts the cloud of self-hatred, self-blame and self-loathing that we have been carrying for so long, maybe unconsciously. It is a courageous act of self-love when we forgive ourselves and prioritize our happiness and freedom, and let go of the negative energy that has been weighing us down. Forgiveness sets us free.

There is simple, beautiful practice called Ho’oponopono (don't ask me to pronounce it LOL). It is an ancient Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and reconciliation.
(https://graceandlightness.com/hooponopono-hawaiian-prayer-for-forgiveness/)

Focus on forgiving yourself, look in the mirror and chant the following mantra again and again:

“I’m sorry
Please forgive me
Thank you
I love you”

This is the same mantra to chant if you are working on others. By saying “I'm sorry” even if you didn’t do anything wrong, by saying thank you even if you don’t feel it, you are giving up your attachment to the situation. You are acknowledging the oneness that exists in us all. That there is a part of you in the person you wish to forgive. That we are all part of the same whole.

In the process, we gain the understanding of nurturing self-love through self-forgiveness. 

Then we proceed to the Self-Forgiveness/Self-Love walk.

As we make our way through the walk, we focus on learning how we got our patterns, releasing them, gaining awareness, compassion and forgiveness, we are focus on learning new behaviors. 

These new behaviors will become our go-to behaviors when we are faced with experiences or circumstances that, in the past, would have sent us into negative patterns. Each time we encounter an old way of doing something, we have the opportunity to forgive ourselves, and reignite the self-love that we worked so hard to reclaim.

If you haven’t done a Self-Forgiveness/Self-Love walk, please take some time to reconnect to your true spiritual self – the person you are learning to love again and who is consistently just beneath the surface.

The suggested ritual for SELF-FORGIVENESS/SELF-LOVE WALK

Find a quiet place in nature where you can walk, uninterrupted if possible.

COMMITMENT RITUAL:

• Stand still and feel your integrated being — your intellect, emotional adult, spiritual self, and body. Experience the light in you.

• Silently state your commitment to forgive yourself for all that you have done in your life out of negative love patterns; also state your commitment to love yourself.

• Reach up your arms to the sky and look up into the limitlessness of the light.

• Reach out your arms to the horizon that encompasses the whole world, and slowly turn around completely to acknowledge your connection.

• Reach your hands down to touch the earth that supports and grounds you.

• Stand straight and breathe into your commitment to be authentic and present.

SELF-FORGIVENESS:

• Start walking slowly. As you walk, state softly to yourself each of the things in your life you have done out of patterns for which you forgive yourself. Use the phrase, “I forgive myself for…”

• Continue until you have forgiven yourself for everything you can remember. Then say, “I forgive myself for everything I have done out of my patterns.”

Repeat the Commitment Ritual.

SELF-LOVE:

• Start walking slowly.

• Begin by saying, “I love my whole self just as I am.”

• As you walk, speak softly about how you love and appreciate yourself. Speak of your whole integrated being, and of each of the four aspects of your being: body, intellect, emotional self, and spirit.

• End by saying again, “I love my whole self just as I am.”

Complete your walk by repeating the Commitment Ritual.

You can choose to repeat this walk many times in your life. As humans, we are by definition imperfect, and for each of us there will always be things for which to forgive ourselves. Self-love is a nurturing companion to self-forgiveness.

For more information on the Self-Forgiveness Walk: https://www.hoffmaninstitute.org/nurturing-self-love/

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Self Love #24

Growing up in an emotionally neglectful or dysfunctional family usually leaves social-emotional deficits that follow us into adulthood. Learning to love yourself can help you heal and become the emotionally healthy adult you hope to be.

·       Are you self-critical and overly harsh with yourself?

·       Or are you too permissive with yourself – not setting limits and allowing yourself to do things that are unhealthy or unsafe?

·       Do you ignore your feelings, have trouble expressing your needs or regulating your emotions?

·       Is it hard to treat yourself with love and compassion?

If so, learning how to love yourself can help.

Loving yourself is giving your adult self what you didn’t get from your parents in childhood.

Children depend on their parents for a whole lot more than just their basic needs (food, clothing, and shelter). For example, we need our parents to teach us how to set limits for ourselves, how to identify, express, and manage our emotions, how to soothe ourselves, and how to treat ourselves with compassion.

And if we didn’t get age-appropriate discipline, unconditional love, role models for healthy relationships, or the skills to understand and manage our emotions and behaviors, we’re likely to struggle with these issues in adulthood.

Adults often think they should just naturally have these coping skills – but these are learned behaviors. In order to learn them, we need compassionate caretakers, role models, and safe opportunities to practice these life skills, and, ideally, before we’re out in the world on our own.

Sometimes adults can’t give children what they need emotionally. They can’t teach us about healthy relationships, good boundaries, self-compassion, and trusting our feelings – often because they don’t know how; no one taught them either. This is often the case in abusive families, addiction, abuse, or other forms of dysfunction.

It’s not too late to learn these skills and give yourself what your parents couldn’t. You can love yourself and fill in the gaps between what you needed and what your parents did give.

We can start loving ourselves by identifying what we need.

What didn’t you learn in childhood?

Which of your emotional needs weren’t met?

Sometimes the answers to these questions are obvious and sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. Also, it’s common to uncover additional deficits as you begin to love yourself and learn more about emotional health and relationships.

Below are some of the coping skills/needs that are often neglected in childhood:

1.     Communication skills: The ability to express yourself clearly and effectively. The ability to resolve conflicts. Being assertive rather than passive or aggressive.

2.     Self-care: The ability to identify your needs and meet them. Feeling deserving of care and comfort and the belief that your needs matter.

3.     Awareness and acceptance of your feelings: Being able to identify a wide range of feelings and to see the value in your feelings.

4.     Emotional regulation and self-soothing: The ability to manage your emotions – to calm and comfort yourself when you’re distressed, to respond rather than overreact or underreact to emotional situations, to tolerate unpleasant emotions, and use healthy coping skills.

5.     Self-validation: Affirming your feelings and choices; reassuring yourself that your feelings matter, that you matter, and that you’ve done your best.

6.     Boundaries and healthy relationships: Seeking and creating relationships based on mutual respect and trust. Voicing your expectations and needs. Caring for others and letting others care for you. Being emotionally and physically vulnerable/intimate with safe people. Recognizing unhealthy relationships and ending them. Enjoying time alone and not needing someone else to make you happy or whole.

7.     Self-discipline or setting limits for yourself: Limiting unhealthy activities and creating healthy habits (such as going to bed on time, limiting how much you drink or play video games).

8.     Accountability: You take responsibility for your actions. You apologize and/or make amends when you’ve harmed another. You learn from your mistakes. You encourage yourself to follow through on your commitments and goals. And you do all of this with compassion and understanding for yourself, not harsh criticism or self-punishment.

9.     Self-compassion and self-love: Treating yourself with loving-kindness – especially when you’re having a hard time or made a mistake. Doing nice things for yourself. Saying kind, supportive, and uplifting things to yourself. Noticing your good qualities, progress, effort, and accomplishments and feeling proud of yourself. Generally, liking who you are and knowing you have value.

10.  Resiliency: The ability to overcome setbacks, to persist, and to believe in yourself.

11.  Frustration tolerance: The ability to accept that you don’t always get what you want and things don’t always go your way; being able to handle such experiences with grace and maturity (not throw a tantrum like a toddler).

Learn as much as you can about the areas you want to improve.

Look for role models and teachers. You can also learn a lot by observing others. Identify some people in your life who have healthy boundaries and manage their emotions well, for example. Make note of what they say and do. If you’re close to them, you can ask them for tips on how they set boundaries or soothe themselves.

Try a 12-step group. Working a 12-step program like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children, can lead to tremendous growth and insights into your feelings and choices.

See a therapist. Therapists are experts in social and emotional coping skills. They can help you see your blind spots. They provide a safe place to practice new skills. And when your therapist treats you with compassion and respect, and models acceptance, validation, and emotional regulation, it’s both a corrective experience and an example of how you can treat yourself.

Practice A LOT. Loving yourself isn’t easy for many of us!

Don’t expect perfection. Nobody manages their behavior, thoughts, and relationships perfectly.

And a few more specific suggestions:

·       Write in a journal – it was very helpful in the beginning of my journaling. I bought a journal that had prompts throughout so I didn’t feel at a loss with what to write.

·       Use a feelings chart to help identify your feelings – I kept the feelings chart on my fridge for many years. It was helpful for me and with my children as well.

·       Pay attention to your self-talk. Make a point of saying nice things to yourself.

·       Add more self-care to your routine – my big thing was and is, facials, hot bathes, manicures, pedicures, and healthy eating.

·       Give yourself a hug or a pat on the back regularly – I learned to self-soothe through rubbing my arms, massaging my feet, shoulders, neck, etc.

Most importantly, remember that you can act lovingly towards yourself and give yourself what you didn’t get in childhood.

You can lead yourself towards a more loving relationship with yourself, develop better emotional and social skills, create healthier habits, and encourage yourself through life’s ups and downs.

 

Leave me a comment and let me know if this was helpful or if you have any suggestions. 

Thank you for reading!!!

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