Dealing with Imposter Syndrome

***First - My apologies for not posting sooner. I have had a long week of auto-immune joint pain, brain fog, and headaches.***

 Today's topic is Imposter Syndrome

As a photographer, I experience Imposter Syndrome from time to time. When it happens, its usually because I begin to compare myself to other photographers. "Comparison is the thief of joy." The inner critic points out everything I am "doing wrong". This is the reason I do not follow other photographers on social media. (I do follow those that I consider educator/photographers)

What is Imposter Syndrome? 

Imposter syndrome is loosely defined as doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud. It disproportionately affects high-achieving people, who find it difficult to accept their accomplishments. Many question whether they’re deserving of recognition and accomplishments.

It’s that nagging feeling that you don’t belong, and it affects women and minority groups disproportionately. 

Here’s how to combat it.

It shows up like this:

• You feel like a fraud. 

• You devalue your worth. 

• You undermine your own experience or expertise. 

Here are a few suggestions to combat Imposter Syndrome:

• Make a list of things you do well. Make a list of at least 10 things that show you are just as qualified as anyone else for the what you do, things you do well. 

• Say your name aloud with Affirmations. “My name is Dyanne and I’m awesome!” 

• Own your accomplishments. Women tend to rationalize away their successes by assigning them to things like “luck,” “hard work” or “help from others” rather than the innate ability or intelligence than men often cite. Own the role you played in your success by forbidding yourself from falling back on excuses. Say these words out loud: “I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished.”

• Visualize success. Visualize precisely how you’ll navigate the situation — successfully — before it happens. This is sometimes referred to as Manifesting.

• Talk to a colleague or friend. 

• Unsubscribe from doubt: 
• There are two kinds of doubt: 
• Self-doubt, which causes you to freeze up
• Idea doubt, which can motivate people to refine, test or experiment with a good idea. 
• Turn self-doubt into idea doubt - Tell yourself: "It’s not that I’m bad, it’s that the first few attempts of any idea are always not good — and I’m just not there yet."

• Decide to be confident. Literally make the choice to be confident. Raise your hand. Volunteer your expertise. 

• Remind yourself you’re good at what you do. 

REMEMBER!

Failure doesn’t make you a fraud. Even the best athletes screw up, the best lawyers lose cases, the best actors star in busts. Failing, losing and being wrong on occasion are all part of the job. Don’t let it define you. Learn from your mistakes and move forward.

Self-Love Masterclass #19

 Gratitude! 

I have been told for much of my life to "be grateful for what you have." My favorite saying, "You can't be hateful and grateful at the same time." and "Gratitude makes what we have, enough." 

BUT.... did you know gratitude changes our brain chemistry?

Scientists conducted a study in 2008 to measure the brain activity of people thinking and feeling gratitude. What they found was "that gratitude causes synchronized activation in multiple brain regions, and lights up parts of the brain’s reward pathways and the hypothalamus. Gratitude can boost serotonin and activate dopamine." Dopamine is our brain's pleasure chemical. The more we think positive, grateful thoughts, the healthier and happier we feel. 

(Zahn, R., Moll, J., Paiva, M., Garrido, G., Krueger, F., Huey, E. D., & Grafman, J. (2009). The neural basis of human social values: evidence from functional MRI. Cerebral cortex (New York, N.Y. : 1991), 19(2), 276–283. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhn080)

Thanks to the flexibility or plasticity of the brain, positive thinking can become a way of life. When your brain is flushed with positive thoughts, you can expect to improve every area of your life, including your relationships, health, performance at school, reaching your dreams and goals, and more.

Reprogramming the brain for a more positive outlook takes practice. Here are some ways to practice gratitude that will help increase confidence:

1. Write daily in a gratitude journal.
2. Listen daily to positive affirmations.
3. Practice meditation and stillness.
4. Give gratitude to others. (i.e. "I am grateful for your help.")

Gratitude improves our relationships. Showing appreciation can help us gain friends. Being thankful for our friends, spouse, family, and co-workers makes them more likely to keep an ongoing relationship. So,  thank a stranger for holding the door or send a thank-you note to that coworker who helped you with a project, acknowledging other people’s contributions can lead to new opportunities. Say thank you to your partner when he/she does something you appreciate. Chances are they will do it more often. 

Gratitude improves our physical health. Did you know that grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and report feeling healthier than other people? And, unsurprisingly, grateful people are more likely to take care of their health. They exercise more often and are more likely to attend regular check-ups, which is likely to contribute to further longevity. And when we feel better physically, it has a positive impact on our mental and emotional health. 

Gratitude improves mental health. Gratitude reduces a multitude of toxic emotions, from envy and resentment to frustration and regret. Gratitude increases happiness and reduces depression. Higher levels of gratitude are also associated with greater self-esteem and is an indication of well-being. 

Gratitude enhances empathy. Grateful people are more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, even when others behave less kindly, according to a 2012 study by the University of Kentucky. Participants who ranked higher on gratitude scales were less likely to seek revenge against others, even when given negative feedback. They experienced more sensitivity and empathy toward other people and a decreased desire to retaliate.

Grateful people sleep better. Writing in a gratitude journal improves sleep, according to a 2011 study published in Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being. The study revealed that spending 5 minutes making a gratitude list before bed aids in sleeping better and longer. When you cultivate gratitude throughout the day, you're more likely to have positive thoughts as you're drifting off to sleep. Rather than obsessing over the friend who forgot to call, you think about the coworker who stayed late to help you. Instead of obsessing over bills, you thinking of the new client you just landed. With a grateful heart, you're more likely to drift off into a peaceful slumber.

Gratitude improves self-esteem. A 2014 study published in the Journal of Applied Sport Psychology found that gratitude increased self-esteem. Other studies have shown that gratitude reduces social comparisons. Rather than becoming resentful toward people who have more money or better jobs—a major factor in reduced self-esteem—grateful people are able to appreciate other people’s accomplishments.

Gratitude increases mental fortitude. Gratitude not only reduces stress, but it may also play a major role in overcoming trauma. One study found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the terrorist attacks on September 11. Recognizing all that you have to be thankful for — even during the worst times — promotes adaptability and flexibility.

Try this:

• Once a day. Every evening, jot down 5-10 things from that day for which you're thankful. You might consider downloading a gratitude journal app to your phone.

• Once a week. Give a polite "thank you" when someone holds the door is fine. But now and then, give fuller expression to your appreciation. Take a few minutes to tell someone just how much a kindness has meant to you.

• Once a month. Write a letter thanking someone whose generosity has made a difference in your life. Sending it by email or postal mail is okay, but hand-delivery is always better.

I'll leave you with a story from my life. 

Many years ago, I had a lady who was a mentor to me. I complained to her constantly about how nothing was right in my life. My job was terrible, my kids were acting out, and my husband was worthless when it came to helping around the house. 

One day, she told me that I needed to become grateful. I replied, "Grateful for what?" 

She gave me a strong suggestion: "Every day, I want you to say "Thank you for..." everything I touched. From the bed I woke up in, to the toothbrush I brushed my teeth with. She told me to find something to be grateful for about my children and my husband no matter how small. AND - she suggested I say thank you to everyone that crossed my path.  She grave me a journal to write down all of the things I was grateful for. 

I was amazed at the end of the second week, how much I had to be grateful for. I felt better. My family noticed the difference as well. As my appreciation for my family grew, the more they were available to help. 

AND I felt better about myself. I was no longer comparing my life to the lives of others and what they had that I didn't. What I had was enough. And I was enough. 

I challenge you to do the same!

Self-Love Masterclass #15

Today is one of those days for me. Struggling with my inner critic. That voice that tells me I'm a loser. The voice that says "look at their photos. You aren't that good." The voice that says "It's time to give up and throw in the towel. You're never going to be successful."  Blah. Blah. Blah. 

I know that voice very well. 

It's that nasty Inner Critic. That voice that cries out for failure.  

*****************************************************************************************

How do we deal with that inner critic?

The private conversations we have with ourselves can be either a powerful step or a major obstacle to reaching your goals.  If your inner voice tells you things like, “I’m going to embarrass myself,” or “No one is going to talk to me,” as you walk you into a party, you probably won't appear relaxed and approachable. Or, if you’re thinking, “I’m never going to get this job,” in the middle of an interview, you'll struggle to present yourself in a confident manner. Often, those negative predictions can quickly turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Our thoughts greatly influence how we feel and behave which can cause negative self-talk to become downright self-destructive. Telling ourselves that we’ll never be successful or that we aren’t as good as other people, will reduce our feelings of self-worth and deter us from facing our fears.

If you tend to be overly critical of yourself, you're not alone. Most of us experience self-doubt and harsh self-criticisms at some point in our lives. Fortunately, we don’t have to be a victim of our own verbal abuse. Instead, we can take steps towards managing our negative thoughts and develop a more productive self-talk. Here are some ways to tame your inner critic:

1. Develop an awareness of your thoughts. We get so used to hearing our self-talk that it’s easy to become unaware of the messages that we’re telling ourselves. Pay attention to what you’re thinking about and recognize that just because you think something, doesn’t mean it’s true. Our thoughts are often exaggerated, biased, and disproportionate.

2. Stop overthinking (I know – easier said than done). When you make a mistake or you’ve had a bad day, you may be tempted to re-play the events over and over in your head. But, repeatedly reminding yourself of that embarrassing thing you did, or that questionable thing you said, will only make you feel worse and it won’t solve the problem. When you find yourself overthinking – and not actively problem-solving – don’t waste time telling yourself, “Don’t think about that.” The more you try to avoid thinking about something, the more you’re likely to focus on it. Instead, distract yourself with an activity – like going for a walk, organizing your desk, or talking about a completely different subject – and stop the critical thoughts before they spiral out of control.

3. Ask yourself what advice you’d give to a friend. If a friend expressed feelings of self-doubt, hopefully you wouldn’t say, “You can’t ever do anything right,” or “You’re so stupid. No one likes you.” Yet, we’re often quick to say those things to ourselves. Instead, you’d be more likely to offer a friend compassionate words of encouragement like, “You made a mistake but it’s not the end of the world,” or “It’s unlikely that today’s performance will actually get you fired.” Treat yourself equally as kind as you’d treat a friend and apply those words of encouragement to your life.

4. Examine the evidence. Learn to recognize when your critical thoughts are exaggeratedly negative. If you think, “I’m never going to be able to quit my job and run my own business,” examine the evidence that supports and refutes this prediction. Sometimes it’s helpful to write it down. Draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. On one side, list all the evidence that supports your thought. On the other side, write down all the evidence to the contrary. Looking at evidence on both sides of the argument can help you look at the situation more rationally and less emotionally.

5. Replace overly critical thoughts with more accurate statements. Convert an overly negative thought to a more rational and realistic statement. When you find yourself thinking, “I never do anything right,” replace it with a balanced statement like, “Sometimes I do things really well and sometimes I don’t.” Each time you find yourself thinking an exaggeratedly negative thought, respond with the more accurate statement.

6. Consider how bad it would be if your thoughts were true. Sometimes it’s tempting to picture a mistake turning into a complete catastrophe. But often, the worst case scenario really isn’t as bad as we might imagine. For example, if you predict that you’re going to embarrass yourself when you give a presentation, ask yourself how bad would that actually be? If you did embarrass yourself, would you be able to recover or do think it would it end your career? Reminding yourself that you can handle tough times or problems increases your confidence and decreases the constant barrage of worrisome thoughts.

7. Balance acceptance with self-improvement. There’s a difference between always telling yourself that you’re not good enough and reminding yourself that you can work to become better. Accept your flaws for what they are today but resign to work on the issues you want to address. Although it sounds illogical, you can do both at the same time. You can accept that you experience anxiety in social situations, while also making a decision to become more comfortable with public speaking. Accepting your weaknesses for what they are today doesn’t mean you have to stay that way. Acknowledge that you have flaws but stay determined to remain a work in progress as you strive to become better.

8. The Power of Your Inner Dialogue Your inner dialogue will either fuel your success or prevent you from reaching your full potential. While your inner critic can help you recognize areas where you want to improve, overly harsh negative self-talk will cause your goals and decisions to suffer and reduce the chances that you’ll reach your goals. Practice taming your inner critic and silencing the negativity so you can coach yourself in a productive and helpful manner.

Our inner critics – whatever we may call them – have a powerful influence over our inner lives. They determine not just our overall psychological well-being, but also how successful we are.

The original function of our critical inner voice was to protect us from danger, but later in life negative self-talk can become a major unhealthy habit with wide-ranging negative consequences. But by noticing and labeling these critical inner voices, and practicing the skills outlined above, we can significantly lessen their effect.

If our inner critic were a person, we would avoid them like the plague. They would no doubt fall into the category of an abuser: someone who consistently tears down our sense of self-worth; someone who mocks, berates, and demeans us; who constantly says the most horrific things about us and makes us feel ashamed, guilty, small, and miserable.

Would we tolerate this kind of talk if it were directed at a child, friend, or someone we love? Why, then, should we accept it as our own normalcy? 

Leave me a comment if you relate. Or if you have managed to overcome your own inner critic. 

Self Love Masterclass #13

If I had to guess, I’d say that human beings have been comparing themselves to one another since the beginning of time.

Sometimes these comparisons can be helpful. They can give you a baseline for improvement and inspire you to change.

Other times, they can be a means to pick yourself apart and see everything that you think is wrong with yourself.

Comparison has been a constant experience for me. I note my friends’ successes or an Social Media influencer figure and feel envious. Or a photographer who has a different editing style or is great at composite images in Photoshop.

When I was younger, I met a girl – I will call her Adrienne.

She was everything I wasn’t. Or everything I thought I wasn’t. Bright, funny, outgoing. She was beautiful. She had a perfect body (in my eyes). People adored her instantly, and luck always seemed to land squarely at her feet.

Adrienne quickly became one of my close friends. Despite our deep bond, her beauty always tore me apart.

She was like a mirror, but all I could see were my shortcomings staring back at me.

Everything I achieved felt tainted by her achievements, which, somehow, always seemed superior. I could never measure up, no matter how hard I tried. It crushed me on a daily basis.

I might have expected these feelings at 16, but I was 30, a grown-up. But Adrienne brought my insecurities into sharp focus.

On an intellectual level, I knew there were things that were great about me. But emotionally, I just couldn’t get there.

By comparison, everything in my life seemed less than. I wasn’t as pretty nor as fun. I wasn’t as fearless nor as talented. I didn’t have as many friends, and I wasn’t as appealing to the opposite sex.

My confidence was taking a beating, and I felt truly worthless. All of these feelings were amplified by the guilt I had for feeling this way about a friend. I sought practical advice from my mentor that I could use to help me get past these feelings.

I knew that I was going to need some serious help to get over this.

Here is what I learned from this experience.

Name your inner critic

Debbie, my mentor, cut right to the chase and explained something important to me: Naming something gives it less power.

Debbie had me give my inner critic — that critical voice inside that points out all of my perceived inadequacies — a name and identify the voice, who was behind the voice.

I recognized quickly that it was my own voice, I named her Stella, and as we got better acquainted, I discovered she was particularly nasty. Stella wanted me to think I was never good enough.

She liked to remind me that I often let fear get the better of me, that I could stand to lose a few pounds, and that I’m an awkward mess in big groups.

It was agonizing to hear how I’d let this voice in my head berate me. Now that I’d given her a name, I could recognize when she spoke up.

I could begin the next crucial step in freeing myself from the comparison trap: starting a conversation with her.

Be your own best friend 

I’ve always considered myself a good friend, but Debbie pointed out that I wasn’t being a particularly good friend to myself.

“How would you comfort a friend in a crisis?” she asked me.

I replied that I would sit with her and discuss her feelings. I’d comfort her and remind her what a great person she is. I’d probably give her a great big hug.

Debbie told me that when Stella gets in the driver’s seat, I need to speak to her with love and understanding.

When Stella popped up in my head, I started a conversation. I’d ask Stella how she was feeling and why she might be feeling that way. I’d empathize with her, offer her words of encouragement, and remind her of all the reasons she’s great.

Debbie, my mentor, had one simple rule: “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.”

By following this rule, I started to understand where some of my insecurities were coming from. I was able to unpack why Adrienne triggered these feelings in me.

I came to realize that both of us were at similar points in life and that she was excelling in the exact areas I felt I was failing.

Keep a record of achievements

When we compare ourselves to others, we focus on all of their strengths and achievements and ignore our own. That’s why Debbie encouraged me to keep a record of all the good things I had done.

It didn’t matter what they were: If it was something I felt proud of, I made a record of it. Soon, I had a bulging notebook of things I had accomplished over the weeks.

If I aced a project at work, I recorded it. If I helped a friend in a crisis, I wrote it down. If I dragged myself to the gym on a morning I really didn’t want to go, I wrote it down.

Looking at all I had achieved, both big and small, boosted my self-esteem. I felt a swell of pride. Adrienne was great, I realized, but in so many wonderful ways, so was I.

Practice self-care

Running a hot bath and pouring yourself a hot cup of tea be great self-care, but we can take it even further. Self-care can involve honest and a self inventory.

It’s a process of looking inward and seeing what you find. Debbie encouraged me to keep a journal and jot down my thoughts, particularly when I was in a self-esteem spiral downward.

Once those thoughts were on the page, I had the power to observe them and decide whether or not they were true or just a result of me feeling inadequate.

I was able to unpack them and understand where they may have come from, what triggered them, and it was incredibly freeing.

It wasn’t always easy. Confronting some of my darker feelings was hard, but looking them straight in the eye gave me the power to begin moving forward.

Be proactive

My comparison journey didn’t end there.

Yes, I felt clearer on my unique talents, skills, and qualities. I was much more confident, and I no longer saw Adrienne as my rival. I felt lighter. My friends noticed that I seemed to be feeling better about myself.

I wasn’t weighed down by feelings of inadequacy anymore or worrying about hiding my jealousy. I could celebrate Adrienne's successes, as well as my own.

Comparing myself made me feel lost. It had deprived me of joy and made me feel miserable. The self-doubt I was feeling played out in other areas of my life.

I wasn’t always present with friends because I was playing the comparison game in my head. Relationships were doomed to failure because I didn’t feel good about myself from the start.

Once Debbie helped me gain the tools, I had a clearer focus on what I wanted in life and how I could get it. I didn’t feel burdened by the self-doubt that had held me back before. Shaking off comparison had allowed me to enjoy life again.

Working with these tools is an ongoing practice. Even now, I know I need to keep up that self-talk with Stella and continue adding to my record of achievements. I know it’s important to regularly look inward to confront uncomfortable emotions.

Breaking free from comparison is not a linear journey. There are bumps in the road, moments of insecurity, and doubt. But maintaining the practice that Debbie taught me has helped keep my self-esteem on an even keel.

There will always be someone prettier, more talented, intelligent, bubbly, or outgoing. For me, the trick is knowing the unique value of what I bring to the table.

I challenge you to write down all your successes and accomplishments for 30 days. Buy a notebook or journal and write them down. Daily. Every day we have success! Even if it is “I got out of bed when I didn't want to.” Write it down!

Self Love Masterclass #11

 People with high levels of self-compassion demonstrate four behaviors:

1. They are kind rather than judgmental about their own failures and mistakes

2. They recognize that failures are a shared human experience

3. They take a balanced approach to negative emotions when they stumble or fall short

4. They allow themselves to feel bad, but they don’t let negative emotions take over.

Self-compassion is a positive attitude we can have towards ourselves. Having self-compassion means being able to relate to yourself in a way that’s forgiving, accepting, and loving when situations might be less than optimal. We know that it’s similar to, but less permanent than, self-love and that it’s different from self-esteem, but how do we show self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. With self-compassion we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience.

We can start by thinking about how we would treat others that we care about. So while we can’t always take away others’ pain, we can validate its existence and provide support to help them get through it and grow.

Let yourself make mistakes. Self-kindness says: “I'm human and so is everybody else. And that’s okay.” Rather than interpreting our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as who we are, we can let ourselves off the hook when we might do the same for others. If a friend gets lazy and doesn’t answer your phone call, you probably won’t instantly assume they’re a bad person. Giving yourself permission to be human once in a while is one way to accept your flaws, and remind yourself that we are all imperfect, you are not alone.

Care for yourself as you’d treat others. This is about being understanding and empathetic towards yourself. If a friend is feeling down, hurt, or upset, you might physically pat them on the back or hold their hand. Along with tender, forgiving language - even using terms of endearment to yourself like “darling” or “sweetheart” - these gestures can lead us to feeling self-kindness even if we’re initially reluctant. Go slow with the terms of endearment if it seems weird at first.

Use “Releasing Statements”. These statements are closely related to self-forgiveness and tap into the mindfulness concept of detached non-judgment. When you catch yourself thinking a negative thought like “I’m such a horrible person for getting upset”, try turning it around and release yourself from the feeling. Instead, try “It’s okay that I felt upset”. “It's okay that I made a mistake.”

Try self-acceptance. This means embracing our own perceived shortcomings as well as our character strengths. Self-compassion is about not over-inflating these shortcomings into a definition of who we are—rather, thoughts and feelings are behaviors and states of being.

Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness practices are a good way to center ourselves in the moment. Not only is mindfulness one of self-compassion’s core constructs, but a lot of exercises such as yoga and deep breathing can be used anytime, anywhere. I recommend guided nurturing meditations – I use an app called Insight Timer. Search for self-compassion guided meditations.

Don't judge yourself so quickly. Stop expecting yourself to behave a certain way. It’s easy to assume things like “I get really grumpy and antisocial on flights”, which sometimes prevents the possibility that you’ll act a different way. This is once again about treating yourself as you would others, and just a future-focused way to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Believing we act a certain way “because... I'm hangry/didn't get enough sleep/etc” is reinforcement of a negative belief about ourselves.

Let go of the need for external validation. Much of our negative beliefs comes from how others perceive us. If we’re beating ourselves up for eating something, for instance, a lot of that self-directed anger stems from social pressures, like the pressure to look a certain way or maintain a certain weight. Choosing not to tie our happiness to outside influences is an act of self-kindness with a much larger impact.

Reach out to others. This might sound like the opposite of the above, but in fact, this technique is more about placing our feelings in context. When we talk with others, we realize that we’re not alone in feeling pain at different times. It’s an important part of reaffirming our sense of being connected, rewording our perceived problems with the ‘bigger picture’ in mind, and building social support networks that are priceless to our well-being.

Exercise: How would you treat a friend?

Take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:

1. First, think about times when a close friend feels really bad about him or herself or is really struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.

2. Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

3. Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

4. Write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

Practice kindness and compassion for yourself today!

Self-love Masterclass - Day 8

 I forgot to post for yesterday. And I forgive myself for it. 

I was researching and developing today's email and stumbled upon this Self-Love Quiz:

https://pathofselflove.org/assessments/self-love-quiz/

And here are the scores for my "5 Gates of Self Love":

Being Compassionate With Myself 26 out of 35

Loving My Body 27 

out of 35

Living My Heart & Soul Desires 30 

out of 35

Having Loving Respectful Relationships 33 

out of 35

Taking Care of Myself 34 

out of 35

Here's proof I am on this journey with you. Practicing being compassionate is difficult some days! In the past 2 years my health has deteriorated due to Lupus, Diabetes, and Rheumatoid Arthritis. 

In my mind, I am still capable of the things I did 2 years ago - exercise and lift weights, go hiking, go to dances, etc. Except - when I try to do those same things now, there are consequences - I'm super exhausted for 2-3 days, swelling and pain in my joints. I become angry at myself for
1. aging (I'm 58)
2. Having 3 auto-immune diseases 

3. making poor decisions when younger - in my mind - I blame my poor choices on my health issues now. 

All of which I am powerless over. I have committed to being more kind and compassionate to myself - per the previous self-love email. 

I would never tell my best friend, "your health issues are all your fault. You're old. You made really poor choices years ago and now you pay the price! Suck it up cupcake!" 

In fact, I would do the opposite. I would be loving, comforting, and empathetic. 

Even more so - I would practice some spiritual principles and do what I can to help her in her bad days. I would check in on her more often. And most of all I would love and hug her. 

Why do I/we have a struggle in doing these things for ourselves? 

Playing the victim is a dangerous place to be. 

Furthermore, survivors of abuse (I am) do not learn self-care or self-love. What I learned instead is quite the opposite – abuse to myself. 

Emotionally beating myself, placing unrealistic demands on myself, being self destructive with alcohol, drugs, food, work, money, sex and love addiction, in my choices in relationships, self-harming behaviors or attempted suicide or in feeling suicidal. 

One thing has become abundantly clear: the inability to value, nurture or love myself.

How do we learn to treat ourselves differently? 

In my own experience, it has taken a lot of practice over time. I began a journey of spirituality based in love and forgiveness, and slowly identified negative beliefs that live deep inside me, such as "I am not good enough. I’m unlovable. I’m ashamed. I’m inadequate,"

The following are examples of negative beliefs: 

• I don’t deserve love; 
• I am worthless; 
• I cannot trust myself; 
• I am a disappointment; 
• I did something wrong; 
• I am different; 
• I deserve to be miserable; 
• I am a failure; 
• I should have known better;
•  I am weak;
• I cannot succeed. 

Pay attention to some phrases you attach to your situations.

When negative beliefs surface It is important to ask yourself, 

• “When did I start to believe this about myself?” 
• How old do I feel when I have this negative belief? 
• Do I feel younger, and if so, do I have any memories attached to them? 
• What feelings surface? 
• What sensations do you experience in your body with each thought? 
• Do you feel tight, jittery, anxious, tingling? 
• Are you holding your breath?

Noticing and writing down negative beliefs I attached to a situation was important. 

For example, I might have shared at a (recovery) meeting and then afterwards I thought I was inadequate. My share was not good enough. 

The thought led to my emotional experience of shame and a desire to hide, which was a result of my abuse. 

My abuse left no room for me to evaluate myself clearly since it was a conditioned response. I began sharing in meetings about the aftermath experience of inadequacy and shame. People would come up to me in recovery meetings to tell me how much they valued what I say. 

Sharing honestly about myself and getting feedback helped motivate me to look at my harsh, negative self talk.

I also wrote about each situation in which these thoughts surfaced; what the belief was and what it would be like if I believed differently, always turning it into a positive thought. 

I did not suddenly believe it, of course, but the act of practicing turned a negative belief into something positive. "I am not good enough" became "I am good enough", which led to change. I also wrote about how I would feel if I attached a positive belief about myself to the situation, which helped me to create another outcome.

When someone asks me if they can change their negative thinking, my first response is, “Are you tired of your negativity and, secondly, are you willing to practice a different behavior?” 

Only through repetition and practice do we change conditioning. For instance, if I were consumed with negative thinking, I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over again to disrupt the negative thoughts – “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” These words resonate with me and it is a prayer often said in recovery meetings. 

At first it seemed that I frequently had to repeat this prayer, and repetition paid off because I was unwilling after time to entertain my negative self-talk. I have learned to trust that my recovery (positive) voice will intervene, so at some point I stopped.

Practicing different behaviors leads to those behaviors becoming your own. Do not wait for change to come about. Seek change by taking responsibility to do something different. Whether it is practicing a thought, a feeling, or a behavior, the act of practicing leads to change. Over time we heal.

Self-love is a spiritual journey.

Part of self love is turning away from self-destructive behaviors:

• paying attention to the nutrition I put in my body, eating for nutrition and fuel - NOT for comfort
• Accepting my limitations and not pushing myself, giving myself permission to rest.
• Asking for help when I need to rest and household chores need to be done
• Boundaries - SAY NO! I have stopped overextending myself and saying no. Without feeling guilty.
•   Become mindful of your feelings. Decide that you want 100% responsibility for the ways in which you may be causing your own pain, and for creating your own peace and joy.   

Let's all practice this daily routine: 

• Look in the mirror daily and say something positive about yourself. Not just your physical appearance. I look into your eyes and see deeper down into your soul. 
• What do you long to hear? At first it can feel silly or embarrassing but the act of doing this leads to you becoming a better friend to yourself, not one that whispers in your ear all that is wrong with you, but one that appreciates you and sees the good.
• If you don’t value yourself, how will you believe that others do? 
• Start practicing today – not tomorrow.

Question of the day:
On a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest)

How willing are you to feel pain and take responsibility for your feelings?

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Ponder this:

If your feelings live inside you, how can someone hurt them?