Self-Love Masterclass - Day 7

Imagine that your best friend calls you after she just got dumped by her partner, and this is how the conversation goes.

“Hey,” you say, picking up the phone. “How are you?”

“Terrible,” she says, choking back tears. “You know that guy Michael I’ve been dating? Well, he’s the first man I’ve been really excited about since my divorce. Last night he told me that I was putting too much pressure on him and that he just wants to be friends. I’m devastated.”

You sigh and say, “Well, to be perfectly honest, it’s probably because you’re old, ugly, and boring, not to mention needy and dependent. And you’re at least 20 pounds overweight, your clothes don’t fit, and your hair is turning gray. I’d just give up now, because there’s really no hope of finding anyone who will ever love you. I mean, frankly, you don’t deserve it!”

Would you ever talk this way to someone you cared about? Of course not.

But strangely, this is precisely the type of thing we say to ourselves in such situations— or worse.

With self-compassion, we learn to speak to ourselves like a good friend. “I’m so sorry. Are you OK? You must be so upset. Remember I’m here for you and I deeply appreciate you. Is there anything I can do to help?”

With mindfulness, we observe our pain, we can acknowledge our suffering without exaggerating it, allowing us to take a wiser and more objective perspective on ourselves and our lives.

The healing process of self love is rooted in being mindful and aware of the present (rather than worrying about the future or overthinking the past) through meditation. In simple terms, the goal of meditation is to acutely focus on the present, listen to your intuition, and acknowledge thoughts, good and bad. You can do this through mindful, focused movements, breathing, and visualization.

Being fully present and listening to your loving inner voice will make you calm, collected, and truly part of each moment, rather than being distracted by negative talk. This is what mindfulness is meant to do.

A powerful gift to yourself is to ask your heart: “What more can I do for you to make you feel as loved as possible?”
Another great question is: “Is there something you have always wanted to hear?” It will be joyful to become aware of your heart’s desires and give yourself all the love that will fill up your heart.

And more often than not there are still wounds in our hearts from being treated badly, or from heartbreaks. You can heal your own heart by becoming aware of what is in there.

Put your hand on your heart and ask your heart: “I will do my very best to be lovingly present with whatever wants to arise. Is there anything that wants to be felt right now?” 

Then – listen. Listen for that loving, compassionate inner voice.

If something uncomfortable comes up, just sit and be present for yourself. Allow your love to  heal your wounds.

There are other self-loving behaviors, besides loving self-talk. Like nurturing yourself with a warm bath, eating well, resting, or taking yourself on a date.

When you ask your heart what more it needs, it might give you some inspiration for something it would like you to do. Listen to that too.

Ask your heart the following:
“What more can I do to make you feel loved?”
“What do you want to hear from me?”
“What do you want to feel?”
“What do you want me to do for you?”

Listen carefully. If nothing comes to you, then simply tell yourself:
“You are always welcome to let me know what more you need. I love to hear your desires, and I love to hear what you struggle with. I am here to listen to you, to feel you, and I’m always available for you. I love you deeply.”

Mindfulness focuses primarily on acceptance of experience itself. Self-compassion focuses more on caring for the 

experience.
Mindfulness asks, “What am I experiencing right now?”
Self-compassion asks, “What do I need right now?”

Mindfulness says, “Feel your suffering with loving awareness.”
Self-compassion says, “I will be kind to you when you are hurting or suffering.”

Mindfulness and self-compassion both allow us to live with less resistance toward ourselves and our lives. If we can fully accept that things are painful, and be kind to ourselves because they’re painful, we can be with the pain with greater ease.

Accepting and mindfully experiencing our feelings such as sadness, fear or anxiety is not the sign of weakness but the sign of strength.

This kindness and compassion is the healthy alternative to the shame we often feel. Finding an inner piece by being with our experiences is a good way to overcome the desire to change or fix ourselves.

If being gentle to yourself still sounds too confusing or abstract, try making it more practical by asking yourself the following questions:

Can I be friendly with my sadness/anger/guilt/grief/fear/etc?
Can I say hello to the sadness/anger/guilt/grief/fear/etc inside me?

Sit down with your sadness/anger/guilt/grief/fear/etc.

Keep it company as you would do with a small vulnerable child.

Hug yourself in a comforting way.

Learning how to positively and adequately answer these questions is not an easy task, especially for a person who has little love for himself or herself.

Practice staying in the present and observing your thoughts and feelings. You will learn to create a true and loving companion inside yourself. You will become whole and integrated.

Assignment:

Write a Letter to Yourself

You can find your compassionate voice by writing a letter to yourself whenever you struggle or feel inadequate or when you want to help motivate yourself to make a change. It can feel uncomfortable at first, but gets easier with practice.

1. Write a letter as if you were talking to a dearly beloved friend who was struggling with the same concerns as you.

After writing the letter, you can put it down for a while and then read it later, letting the words soothe and comfort you when you need it most.

Here is a mindfulness meditation to listen to daily at the end of your day.

https://youtu.be/zzNmOEJUg-s