Self Love Masterclass - Day 6

Love the unloving you:

Judging your judgment ("I'm not making enough progress”)

We have a tendency to focus our approval on the stuff that’s easy to approve of, and focus our appreciation on the stuff that’s easy to appreciate.

A pitfall we encounter on our journey towards more self-love can be negative judgments about our self-love journey progress. It’s very normal for growth to be erratic.

Sometimes it seems as if we learned something, but in another moment the same problem reappears.

You might feel deeply in love with yourself this week, but maybe next week you will feel like you hate yourself again. Setbacks happen. It’s not unusual to blame ourselves, to be disappointed in ourselves. 

So what to do with these negative self-judgments? If you hear yourself judging, try first to not judge that. And if you did judge your judgment, don’t worry, just don’t judge that. And so forth…

If this confuses you a bit, that’s fine, just tell yourself: “You can judge, you have full permission always, and I won’t judge you for judging. Because I love you no matter what.”

Here’s some more on learning to love the unloving part of yourself:

Love the unloving you

For many of us, the negative self-talk inside our heads is a daily reality. You might feel you’re hating yourself in different ways. It may seem as if there’s a war raging within us. A powerful and beautiful image to use here is that of a white flag – surrender!

It’s common to feel as if you can’t help negative self-thoughts from happening, they come quick and hit hard. But you can picture yourself standing tall with a white flag in your hand and tell yourself: “You may not love me, and that’s okay, I will love you unconditionally anyway.”

Surrender to love, it’s the most powerful thing you can do.

“What about my least favorite parts of me?”

Are you up for a challenge?

Let’s try to love the parts of ourselves that we love the least. Those are often the parts that we either try to change or actually make worse because we’re rebelling against our own self-hate.

You may not like your belly because you think it’s too fat. You try diets to ‘get rid of it’, and you might at the same time feel pressured by yourself which makes you want to eat all that is unhealthy even more. The point is to start accepting and loving that part of yourself in this moment, whether you’re in the gym or eating chips. Forgive this part of yourself, forgive yourself for hating it, forgive all that needs forgiveness.

Find something to be grateful for about the part/s of yourself you don't like:

For example:

“I'm grateful for my stomach for carrying my children. For keeping me healthy during pregnancy.

“I'm grateful for my stomach for providing me with nutrition when I eat.”

“I am grateful for my tummy because it gives a home to all the delicious food I eat”

“I am grateful for my stomach because it is there to protect my reproductive organs”

How do I forgive myself?

Simply by saying: ‘I forgive you (for …). I love you. I really love you. I understand if you feel afraid of the hate that was previously there, but you’re safe now.’’

The next thing you will say to yourself is: ‘You’re already forgiven. I still love you, and I will always love you. And I’m willing to tell you that over and over again.’

If you’re eating chips, tell yourself: ‘I love you when you’re eating chips.’ If you’re exercising, tell yourself: ‘I love you when you’re exercising’. If you practice this enough, you will find yourself at a point where there’s nothing left to forgive, there are only things to love.

If you want to learn how to deeply love yourself, you have to send love and attention to the parts of you that you believe are dangerous or ugly. The parts that you feel sure will cost you opportunities, connection, attention, and approval. The parts of yourself that you have deemed inherently unlovable: your dark material.

In order to experience deep self-love, you have to invite your ugliest parts of yourself to come home.

The important thing to remember is that these traits and qualities aren’t bad or weird or unlovable; they’re human. Don’t let yourself be fooled into believing you’re an outcast of any kind: whatever you’re feeling (no matter how horrible), other people feel that way too.

If you’re brand new to the concept of loving your unlovable parts, prepare to be challenged. You’re turning a lifetime of self-hatred upside down, and it’s extremely difficult and even painful. I promise you though that it will get easier the more you do it. It’s a skill, like anything else, and you’ll improve the more you practice.

And this is where the magic happens: by finding a way to love the unlovable, you expand and grow in impossibly wonderful ways. By proving to yourself that the monster in your closet is really just a prince in disguise, you become braver, less afraid, more playful, more kind, and more authentically you.

Bit by bit, by facing your dark/ugly parts of self, you will experience a new sense of peace, love, acceptance, compassion, and wholeness inside of yourself. You will face the world without fear or hiding, and you start finding joy and beauty in places you never expected.

Homework:

Write a letter to the ugly or “dark” parts of yourself (anger/feeling, tummy/body part, or any other character 'defect'), explaining why you have ignored and rejected it for so long, apologizing for declaring war against it. Asking this part of yourself to become part of your life.

(try not to be negative or body-shaming)