Self-Forgiveness - A Journey to Inner Peace

 Self-Forgiveness: A Journey to Inner Peace

Forgiving oneself can be a challenging journey, but it is a crucial step towards healing and finding inner peace. Whether it is from past mistakes, negative thoughts, or harsh self-criticism, self-forgiveness is the process of letting go of negative feelings and accepting oneself for who they are. Here are some reasons why self-forgiveness is important and tips for getting started on your journey.

Why is self-forgiveness important?

1. Reduces stress and anxiety: Holding on to negative feelings and self-blame can cause a lot of stress and anxiety, which can impact our mental and physical health. Forgiving oneself can reduce these negative emotions and help us to feel more relaxed and calm.

2. Improves self-esteem: When we forgive ourselves, we are able to acknowledge our worth and value as a person, which can increase our self-esteem and confidence.

3. Increases empathy: By forgiving ourselves, we can become more empathetic towards others who have made mistakes. We are better able to understand that everyone makes mistakes, and this can improve our relationships with others.

4. Helps us move forward: Holding onto past mistakes can prevent us from moving forward and living our lives to the fullest. Self-forgiveness allows us to let go of these negative feelings and focus on the present and future.

Self-forgiveness and self-love are closely intertwined. In order to forgive ourselves, we must first have a foundation of self-love and self-acceptance.

Here's why:

1. Self-love provides the foundation for self-forgiveness: When we have a strong sense of self-love, it is easier to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and failures. This is because self-love allows us to accept and embrace all parts of ourselves, including our flaws and imperfections.

2. Self-forgiveness leads to increased self-love: By forgiving ourselves, we are able to let go of negative feelings and self-criticism, which can increase our self-esteem and self-worth. This in turn leads to increased self-love and a deeper sense of inner peace.

3. Both self-love and self-forgiveness are necessary for inner peace: Inner peace is achieved when we are able to fully accept and love ourselves, including our mistakes and failures. Self-forgiveness allows us to let go of negative feelings and self-criticism, while self-love helps us to embrace all aspects of ourselves. Together, they form the foundation for a healthy, positive self-image and inner peace.

Forgiving oneself can be a challenging process, but it is an important step towards healing and inner peace. Here are some steps to help you get started on your journey of self-forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge your feelings: Take time to reflect on your feelings and the negative self-talk that may be preventing you from forgiving yourself.

2. Practice self-compassion: Speak to yourself in a kind and compassionate way, as you would to a friend. Try to focus on your strengths and positive aspects of yourself.

3. Let go of self-blame: Recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and try to focus on learning from them instead of dwelling on self-blame.

4. Write a letter of self-forgiveness: Writing a letter to yourself can be a powerful tool for letting go of negative feelings and forgiving yourself. In the letter, write down what you are forgiving yourself for and why you are deserving of forgiveness.

5. Seek support: Talking to a trusted friend or professional can provide the support you need to work through your feelings and forgive yourself.

6. Take action: Forgiving yourself is not just a mental process, it also involves taking action. This may mean making amends, changing habits, or setting goals to move forward in a positive direction.

7. Practice mindfulness: Practice mindfulness by being present in the moment and focusing on your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. This can help you to let go of negative feelings and focus on self-forgiveness.

Repeat after me:

Self-forgiveness is a journey that requires time, patience, and effort. Remember to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, and to seek support when needed. By taking these steps, you can forgive yourself, let go of negative feelings, and find inner peace.

Self-love and self-forgiveness are essential components of a healthy, positive self-image and inner peace. By focusing on both, we can achieve a deeper level of self-acceptance and a greater sense of well-being. Remember to be kind and compassionate towards yourself, and to seek support when needed.

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Self love and Our Inner Child

We all have inner parts of ourselves. These inner parts of ourselves create our personality. We have many aspects of our personality coming from these parts of ourselves that powerfully influence every aspect of our lives. An example of these internal parts is when we say to ourselves or others, “part of me really doesn’t want to do that right now” and “another part of me does.” We might also make comments like, “part of me is frustrated with that” or “part of me doesn’t like that.” 

Having multiple parts of ourselves does not necessarily mean that we have a multiple personality disorder, but a healthy personality. These parts of us have unique sets of memories. When we have difficulties as adults, it is sometimes because our inner child part of ourselves is holding on to painful memories and experiences from childhood. These parts of ourselves need to be seen, understood, and  helped to heal in order to allow us as adults to live a more full life and to feel self-love.

Here are a few ways that we can heal our inner child and increase self love.

1. Notice your inner child parts and bring curiosity towards them. You can start this process by being aware of times when younger parts of yourself have been activated. They can be activated when you feel young, childlike or even small. This can happen during times of stress such as being in an argument with someone, or in times of joy when you feel playful or creative.
2. Take a moment and sense where you feel this younger part of yourself in or around your body. You may notice a feeling, thought, sensation, physical pain, voice, etc. See if you can be open to letting this part of yourself show itself to you and letting yourself feel it.
3. Try and learn more about this part of you. Inquire into that part of yourself. Ask what is its job in you and for you? Ask what it’s afraid would happen if it did not do its job? Ask it if it has a memory of when and why it was developed? Ask it if there is a trauma memory or a “bad memory” it wants to share with you? Ask it if there are any “good” memories it wants to share with you?
4. When in touch with the child part of self, ask how old he/she is? The answer may come in a number, a picture, a feeling or a memory of you in your childhood. Also you can ask this part how old it thinks you are.  
5. Thank your child part of self for all it has done for you! Show this internal part of yourself appreciation for sharing itself with you. Appreciate this part for helping you or protecting you in the ways that it did, even if you are no longer in need of the same protection now as you did when you were a child.

Please seek professional help if inner child work is too painful for you or it brings up painful emotions and memories.

Processing the trauma from our childhood allows us to embrace and heal ourselves from the past. The process of exploring and appreciating child parts of ourselves helps us to grow, heal from past hurts and to more fully accept all of parts of ourselves. Appreciating these parts with the understanding that all parts of ourselves (even the painful ones) all have good intentions and at some point helped us to get through or make sense of something that we experienced in life. Making time regularly to connect to these parts builds resiliency, greater internal awareness and increases self-love.

Your inner child is tender and emotional. It is the innocent part of ourselves – all about feelings and our essential needs.

Our outer self is responsible for self-defeating behaviors, self-sabotage. The outer self responds to the inner child and will be overprotective by acting out.

Our outer self responds to emotional or psychological neglect of the inner child. We may experience a deep-seated belief that we are broken. We may experience fear of abandonment and loss of love, feeling Insecure, and low-self esteem. A loss of self may occur in an attempt to gain approval from others. A fear of setting boundaries or saying “no” is also a response to emotional or psychological neglect or abuse of the inner child. Seeking instant-gratification through substances, shopping, outside distractions, and procrastination.

When our inner and outer selves are integrated and a healthy dialogue has formed between inner-child and adult self we are connected to body sensations and emotions.

We learn to:

•  identify and clearly communicate emotions. 

• Able to identify needs and make requests without anger or over-reaction.

• Remains true to self even in conflict.

• Self-honoring and being able to set boundaries.

• Gives space to inner-child to have big feelings without shutting them down.

• Practice self-love and self-care.

 Ways to connect with your inner child:

• Do a body-scan – tune into your physical sensations. Connecting to your inner child means that we go inward, rather than seeking distraction in times of emotional intensity.

• Close your eyes and visualize the “child you”, and begin a dialogue. Ask questions like “what are you feeling, what do you need right now?” Draw a picture, paint, or make art that reflects your inner-child.

• Write a love and forgiveness letter to your inner-child.

• Use mantras like “you’re safe”, and “I am here to take care of you”.

• Practice setting boundaries and building healthy routines.

• Practice self-care and take care of yourself as if you are your own parent.

• Take time to feel your feelings, and then take action when you are calm, grounded and stable.

• Journal for Self-Forgiveness and Acceptance

1. Something I am judging/blaming/shaming myself over is:

2. I want to forgive myself so that I can feel: 

3. When I made those choices in the past, I was coming from a place of (fill in the emotional experience you were having – fear, anxiety, insecurity) ___________.

4. I now know that I was doing the best I could with the tools I had, and I see that my inner child was in desperate need of ___________. Fill in the blank (safety, love, validation, reassurance, empathy, nurturance.)

5. As an adult, I am going to help nurture that need in my inner child by:

Choose up to 5 things you can do to meet that your inner child's need:

• Appreciate myself for 5 things each day

• Do a 5-10 minute meditation daily”

• Cook myself a healthy meal

• Take a walk in nature

• Setting up a coffee date with a friend who I can trust with my heart

• Take a bath and listen to gentle music

• Have tea and journal

• Go to bed earlier

• Drink more water

• Take care of my priorities

• Honor my commitments

• Only commit to things that feel aligned for me

• Say no and set boundaries

• If I were a loving parent speaking to an innocent child who was feeling guilty for what they had done, I would tell them

• I deserve that same forgiveness too, and I am proud of myself for:

• 3 things that I acknowledge myself for today are:

• My self-loving affirmation for today/tonight is going to be:

• I am unconditionally lovable.
• I am perfect just as I am.
• I’m allowed to make mistakes.
• My feelings are valid.
• My experiences are valid.
• I’m doing a beautiful job with my healing work.
• I am worthy of love and forgiveness.
• I am whole and complete.
• I am safe.
• I am whole.
• I am worthy.
• (Make your own)

The heart of a child within you can never age if it is healed properly.

"So much of the healing of our world begins in healing the inner child who rarely, if ever, got to come out and play."

- Vince Gowmon.

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Self Love #24

Growing up in an emotionally neglectful or dysfunctional family usually leaves social-emotional deficits that follow us into adulthood. Learning to love yourself can help you heal and become the emotionally healthy adult you hope to be.

·       Are you self-critical and overly harsh with yourself?

·       Or are you too permissive with yourself – not setting limits and allowing yourself to do things that are unhealthy or unsafe?

·       Do you ignore your feelings, have trouble expressing your needs or regulating your emotions?

·       Is it hard to treat yourself with love and compassion?

If so, learning how to love yourself can help.

Loving yourself is giving your adult self what you didn’t get from your parents in childhood.

Children depend on their parents for a whole lot more than just their basic needs (food, clothing, and shelter). For example, we need our parents to teach us how to set limits for ourselves, how to identify, express, and manage our emotions, how to soothe ourselves, and how to treat ourselves with compassion.

And if we didn’t get age-appropriate discipline, unconditional love, role models for healthy relationships, or the skills to understand and manage our emotions and behaviors, we’re likely to struggle with these issues in adulthood.

Adults often think they should just naturally have these coping skills – but these are learned behaviors. In order to learn them, we need compassionate caretakers, role models, and safe opportunities to practice these life skills, and, ideally, before we’re out in the world on our own.

Sometimes adults can’t give children what they need emotionally. They can’t teach us about healthy relationships, good boundaries, self-compassion, and trusting our feelings – often because they don’t know how; no one taught them either. This is often the case in abusive families, addiction, abuse, or other forms of dysfunction.

It’s not too late to learn these skills and give yourself what your parents couldn’t. You can love yourself and fill in the gaps between what you needed and what your parents did give.

We can start loving ourselves by identifying what we need.

What didn’t you learn in childhood?

Which of your emotional needs weren’t met?

Sometimes the answers to these questions are obvious and sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. Also, it’s common to uncover additional deficits as you begin to love yourself and learn more about emotional health and relationships.

Below are some of the coping skills/needs that are often neglected in childhood:

1.     Communication skills: The ability to express yourself clearly and effectively. The ability to resolve conflicts. Being assertive rather than passive or aggressive.

2.     Self-care: The ability to identify your needs and meet them. Feeling deserving of care and comfort and the belief that your needs matter.

3.     Awareness and acceptance of your feelings: Being able to identify a wide range of feelings and to see the value in your feelings.

4.     Emotional regulation and self-soothing: The ability to manage your emotions – to calm and comfort yourself when you’re distressed, to respond rather than overreact or underreact to emotional situations, to tolerate unpleasant emotions, and use healthy coping skills.

5.     Self-validation: Affirming your feelings and choices; reassuring yourself that your feelings matter, that you matter, and that you’ve done your best.

6.     Boundaries and healthy relationships: Seeking and creating relationships based on mutual respect and trust. Voicing your expectations and needs. Caring for others and letting others care for you. Being emotionally and physically vulnerable/intimate with safe people. Recognizing unhealthy relationships and ending them. Enjoying time alone and not needing someone else to make you happy or whole.

7.     Self-discipline or setting limits for yourself: Limiting unhealthy activities and creating healthy habits (such as going to bed on time, limiting how much you drink or play video games).

8.     Accountability: You take responsibility for your actions. You apologize and/or make amends when you’ve harmed another. You learn from your mistakes. You encourage yourself to follow through on your commitments and goals. And you do all of this with compassion and understanding for yourself, not harsh criticism or self-punishment.

9.     Self-compassion and self-love: Treating yourself with loving-kindness – especially when you’re having a hard time or made a mistake. Doing nice things for yourself. Saying kind, supportive, and uplifting things to yourself. Noticing your good qualities, progress, effort, and accomplishments and feeling proud of yourself. Generally, liking who you are and knowing you have value.

10.  Resiliency: The ability to overcome setbacks, to persist, and to believe in yourself.

11.  Frustration tolerance: The ability to accept that you don’t always get what you want and things don’t always go your way; being able to handle such experiences with grace and maturity (not throw a tantrum like a toddler).

Learn as much as you can about the areas you want to improve.

Look for role models and teachers. You can also learn a lot by observing others. Identify some people in your life who have healthy boundaries and manage their emotions well, for example. Make note of what they say and do. If you’re close to them, you can ask them for tips on how they set boundaries or soothe themselves.

Try a 12-step group. Working a 12-step program like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children, can lead to tremendous growth and insights into your feelings and choices.

See a therapist. Therapists are experts in social and emotional coping skills. They can help you see your blind spots. They provide a safe place to practice new skills. And when your therapist treats you with compassion and respect, and models acceptance, validation, and emotional regulation, it’s both a corrective experience and an example of how you can treat yourself.

Practice A LOT. Loving yourself isn’t easy for many of us!

Don’t expect perfection. Nobody manages their behavior, thoughts, and relationships perfectly.

And a few more specific suggestions:

·       Write in a journal – it was very helpful in the beginning of my journaling. I bought a journal that had prompts throughout so I didn’t feel at a loss with what to write.

·       Use a feelings chart to help identify your feelings – I kept the feelings chart on my fridge for many years. It was helpful for me and with my children as well.

·       Pay attention to your self-talk. Make a point of saying nice things to yourself.

·       Add more self-care to your routine – my big thing was and is, facials, hot bathes, manicures, pedicures, and healthy eating.

·       Give yourself a hug or a pat on the back regularly – I learned to self-soothe through rubbing my arms, massaging my feet, shoulders, neck, etc.

Most importantly, remember that you can act lovingly towards yourself and give yourself what you didn’t get in childhood.

You can lead yourself towards a more loving relationship with yourself, develop better emotional and social skills, create healthier habits, and encourage yourself through life’s ups and downs.

 

Leave me a comment and let me know if this was helpful or if you have any suggestions. 

Thank you for reading!!!

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Self-Love Masterclass #20

​Affirmations- 

Have you tried using affirmations? Did it feel weird? 

I began using positive affirmations 28 years ago. I started slow, using affirmations that felt acceptable to me. 

• I am a child of God
• I deserve good things 
• You’re fired. God’s in charge
• I am a good person 

I wrote them on post-it’s and taped them in various locations around my house: 

1. Bathroom mirror

2. Fridge door

3. My front door

4. My bedroom door 

I posted them were I saw them everyday - several times a day. 

Initially, it felt odd to say such positive things to myself. I had so much self-loathing that positive affirmations seemed like a lie. But I pushed through past the inner critic and followed through. 

I also thumbtacked a poster board above my bed. I wrote in large lettering, “I AM WORTHY”. When I went to sleep, it was the last thing I saw. When I woke, it was the first thing I saw. I colored it brightly so it stood out to me. 

Today, I still have various affirmations around my house. On my makeup mirror, “I can do hard things”. On my bathroom mirror, I have the Serenity Prayer posted. On my fridge door, I have various recovery slogans and quotes on magnets. On my laptop, I have a sticker, “I am worthy of wealth”. 

Many of my affirmations today are about money blocks and untrue beliefs about business and money. 

I have an app on my phone called Insight Timer. At night, I listen to guided meditations or affirmations while I sleep. Did you know that when listening to affirmations or meditations while sleeping, your brain hears the messages? I wake up feeling good about myself. 

Affirmations are a vital part of my life and everyday living. I believe in the saying “positive in, negative out”. I avoid (as much as possible) negative people and negative environments. 

I am a negative person by nature. And I believe negativity is contagious. If I surround myself with negative people who complain, compare, gossip, and blame, I will soon join in. Negativity is something I can’t afford. It makes me miserable, anxious, and depressed. Life is too short for that!! 

Today, I surround myself with people who are uplifting, supportive, and believe in me. That translates into me doing the same. I am uplifting, supportive, encouraging, and I believe in myself and others. Being around other positive people helps my mood stay upbeat. 

Something else I do that helps me stay positive- a vision board! I have my vision board on my phone wallpaper and Lock Screen. It’s my computer wallpaper. I see it daily. 

What’s on my vision board you may ask? 

1. My dream vacation: a cruise. I love cruises! 

2. My dream job - to become a full time boudoir photographer 

3. My dream home - a log cabin in the woods! 

4. Diamond jewelry - because I deserve it. 

5. Money - because financial security is my number one goal. 

6. My dream car - a Camaro fully loaded 

7. A Prada purse - I do love the finer things in life. 

8. A photo of my family. Some days - they are who motivates me to do good things 

9. Positive quotes about life, wealth, and happiness. 

10. Affirmations!  

You can create a vision board for free on canva.com. Print it. Save it. Post it. A vision board is what you use to keep you focus on your dreams and goals. Personalize it. Make it yours.

What affirmations are your favorites? 

What does/will your vision look like?