Growing up in an emotionally neglectful or
dysfunctional family usually leaves social-emotional deficits that follow us
into adulthood. Learning to love yourself can help you heal and become the
emotionally healthy adult you hope to be.
· Are
you self-critical and overly harsh with yourself?
· Or
are you too permissive with yourself – not setting limits and allowing yourself
to do things that are unhealthy or unsafe?
· Do
you ignore your feelings, have trouble expressing your needs or regulating your
emotions?
· Is
it hard to treat yourself with love and compassion?
If so, learning how to love yourself can help.
Loving yourself is giving your adult self what you
didn’t get from your parents in childhood.
Children depend on their parents for a whole lot more
than just their basic needs (food, clothing, and shelter). For example, we need
our parents to teach us how to set limits for ourselves, how to identify,
express, and manage our emotions, how to soothe ourselves, and how to treat
ourselves with compassion.
And if we didn’t get age-appropriate discipline,
unconditional love, role models for healthy relationships, or the skills to
understand and manage our emotions and behaviors, we’re likely to struggle with
these issues in adulthood.
Adults often think they should just naturally have
these coping skills – but these are learned behaviors. In order to learn them,
we need compassionate caretakers, role models, and safe opportunities to
practice these life skills, and, ideally, before we’re out in the world on our
own.
Sometimes adults can’t give children what they need
emotionally. They can’t teach us about healthy relationships, good boundaries,
self-compassion, and trusting our feelings – often because they don’t know how;
no one taught them either. This is often the case in abusive families, addiction,
abuse, or other forms of dysfunction.
It’s not too late to learn these skills and give
yourself what your parents couldn’t. You can love yourself and fill in the gaps
between what you needed and what your parents did give.
We can start loving ourselves by identifying what we
need.
What didn’t you learn in childhood?
Which of your emotional needs weren’t met?
Sometimes the answers to these questions are obvious
and sometimes we don’t know what we don’t know. Also, it’s common to uncover
additional deficits as you begin to love yourself and learn more about
emotional health and relationships.
Below are some of the coping skills/needs that are
often neglected in childhood:
1.
Communication
skills: The ability to express yourself clearly and effectively. The ability to
resolve conflicts. Being assertive rather than passive or aggressive.
2.
Self-care:
The ability to identify your needs and meet them. Feeling deserving of care and
comfort and the belief that your needs matter.
3.
Awareness
and acceptance of your feelings: Being able to identify a wide range of
feelings and to see the value in your feelings.
4.
Emotional
regulation and self-soothing: The ability to manage your emotions – to calm and
comfort yourself when you’re distressed, to respond rather than overreact or
underreact to emotional situations, to tolerate unpleasant emotions, and use
healthy coping skills.
5.
Self-validation:
Affirming your feelings and choices; reassuring yourself that your feelings
matter, that you matter, and that you’ve done your best.
6.
Boundaries
and healthy relationships: Seeking and creating relationships based on mutual
respect and trust. Voicing your expectations and needs. Caring for others and
letting others care for you. Being emotionally and physically
vulnerable/intimate with safe people. Recognizing unhealthy relationships and
ending them. Enjoying time alone and not needing someone else to make you happy
or whole.
7.
Self-discipline
or setting limits for yourself: Limiting unhealthy activities and creating
healthy habits (such as going to bed on time, limiting how much you drink or
play video games).
8.
Accountability:
You take responsibility for your actions. You apologize and/or make amends when
you’ve harmed another. You learn from your mistakes. You encourage yourself to
follow through on your commitments and goals. And you do all of this with
compassion and understanding for yourself, not harsh criticism or
self-punishment.
9.
Self-compassion
and self-love: Treating yourself with loving-kindness – especially when you’re
having a hard time or made a mistake. Doing nice things for yourself. Saying
kind, supportive, and uplifting things to yourself. Noticing your good
qualities, progress, effort, and accomplishments and feeling proud of yourself.
Generally, liking who you are and knowing you have value.
10.
Resiliency:
The ability to overcome setbacks, to persist, and to believe in yourself.
11.
Frustration
tolerance: The ability to accept that you don’t always get what you want and
things don’t always go your way; being able to handle such experiences with
grace and maturity (not throw a tantrum like a toddler).
Learn as much as you can about the areas you want to
improve.
Look for role models and teachers. You can also learn
a lot by observing others. Identify some people in your life who have healthy
boundaries and manage their emotions well, for example. Make note of what they
say and do. If you’re close to them, you can ask them for tips on how they set
boundaries or soothe themselves.
Try a 12-step group. Working a 12-step program like
Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children, can lead to
tremendous growth and insights into your feelings and choices.
See a therapist. Therapists are experts in social and emotional
coping skills. They can help you see your blind spots. They provide a safe
place to practice new skills. And when your therapist treats you with
compassion and respect, and models acceptance, validation, and emotional
regulation, it’s both a corrective experience and an example of how you can
treat yourself.
Practice A LOT. Loving yourself isn’t easy for many of
us!
Don’t expect perfection. Nobody manages their
behavior, thoughts, and relationships perfectly.
And a few more specific suggestions:
· Write
in a journal – it was very helpful in the beginning of my journaling. I bought
a journal that had prompts throughout so I didn’t feel at a loss with what to
write.
· Use
a feelings chart to help identify your feelings – I kept the feelings chart on
my fridge for many years. It was helpful for me and with my children as well.
· Pay
attention to your self-talk. Make a point of saying nice things to yourself.
· Add
more self-care to your routine – my big thing was and is, facials, hot bathes,
manicures, pedicures, and healthy eating.
· Give
yourself a hug or a pat on the back regularly – I learned to self-soothe
through rubbing my arms, massaging my feet, shoulders, neck, etc.
Most importantly, remember that you can act lovingly
towards yourself and give yourself what you didn’t get in childhood.
You can lead yourself towards a more loving
relationship with yourself, develop better emotional and social skills, create
healthier habits, and encourage yourself through life’s ups and downs.
Leave me a comment and let me know if this was helpful or if you have any suggestions.
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