Self Love Masterclass and Trauma #23

 Trauma undeniably impacts our relationship with self. It challenges and changes how we think about our self. 

The damage that trauma causes on our self-esteem to feed into the self-loathing that frequently is caused following a traumatic life event.

The effects of trauma on self-esteem and self-love is deep and long-lasting. 

1. Never Feeling Good Enough - I was molested at a young age. From the time of the first occurrences, I began to feel like I was not good enough, that I was defective. The only time I received attention was when I was being touched inappropriately by an adult who was supposed to protect me. The message I derived from this was "You don't matter unless I want you for sex." This belief set the stage for adulthood and relationships. Much of my adulthood has been spent with the belief that I didn't matter and I wasn't good enough.

2. Self-Erasure  - I was raised and taught that, as a woman, my role was to take care of others and ignore my own needs, wants, preferences, emotions, and goals. As a result, I learned to self-sacrifice and self-erase. This led to people-pleasing, poor self-care, emotional confusion, the inability so say no, and detachment from myself, and little or no goals for my future. My goals became whatever my partner wanted. 

3. Lack of self-love and self-care - I believed I was unlovable by others, therefore, I didn't love myself. I took care of everyone before taking care of myself. And much of my early adulthood, I had no idea what self-care was, or what it looked like. No one in my life had mirrored self-love and self-care. And because I believed I wasn't good enough, self-care and self-love was not something I thought I deserved. 

4. Social Anxiety and Psychological Dependency - Since I was highly influenced by selfish people while growing up, I was taught to be overly sensitive to other peoples perceptions of me. This manifested in numerous anxious thoughts and beliefs later in life: What if they think I'm stupid? What if they think I'm ugly? What if they think I'm fat? What can I do to make them like me? What if they will think I'm a bad person? What if they don't invite me to their party? And so on. 

I was dependent on other peoples validation and opinions of me. I avoided disapproval and invalidation - I now know this to be psychological dependency.

The first step I took to begin the journey of self-love and healing was to go to therapy. I found a therapist who specialized in trauma therapy. And I knew I wanted a female therapy since it was males who harmed me. 

And I had a mentor who guided me through my self-love journey. 

The first thing my mentor suggested I do is have a date night with myself. 

I had children at home. Funds were low. My date night consisted of candlelit bubble baths, giving myself a facial, manicure, and pedicure. It felt good to be good to myself. 

My mentor also challenged me to take myself to lunch or dinner - alone. It felt awkward initially. I took a book with me and read. Eventually, I became brave enough to go to the movies alone. 

Step 1 to a self-love journey - commit to self care. Start slow, facials, eating healthier, drinking more water, etc. Taking care of ourselves physically is a vital step towards learning to love ourselves.

The next step to self love is setting boundaries. I made a list of behaviors I am not willing to accept. This included anything that made me feel unimportant or made me feel less than, any behavior from others that is disrespectful or demeaning to me or my values. In other words, I became my first priority. 

 Step 3 - Be Your authentic self. Congruent (comes to mind) - my actions and my values are in line with each other. Authentic means "integrity" to me. I am the same person to everyone, and behind closed doors. 

Step 4. Let Go Of The Pain - this is easier said than done. I still have to remind myself that the pain can no longer control me. It has no power. Neither do the men who harmed me in the past. Grounding exercises have helped with this alot. Letting go of the pain is not the same as forgiving the abuser. It's about letting them go. 

If you have a history of trauma and self-loathing, please seek help. There are some really great trauma therapists in NWA. 

If you would like some names, please let me know. 

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