I forgot to post for yesterday. And I forgive myself for it.
I was researching and developing today's email and stumbled upon this Self-Love Quiz:Here's proof I am on this journey with you. Practicing being compassionate is difficult some days! In the past 2 years my health has deteriorated due to Lupus, Diabetes, and Rheumatoid Arthritis.
In my mind, I am still capable of the things I did 2 years ago - exercise and lift weights, go hiking, go to dances, etc. Except - when I try to do those same things now, there are consequences - I'm super exhausted for 2-3 days, swelling and pain in my joints. I become angry at myself for
1. aging (I'm 58)
2. Having 3 auto-immune diseases
Furthermore, survivors of abuse (I am) do not learn self-care or self-love. What I learned instead is quite the opposite – abuse to myself.
Emotionally beating myself, placing unrealistic demands on myself, being self destructive with alcohol, drugs, food, work, money, sex and love addiction, in my choices in relationships, self-harming behaviors or attempted suicide or in feeling suicidal.
One thing has become abundantly clear: the inability to value, nurture or love myself.
How do we learn to treat ourselves differently?
In my own experience, it has taken a lot of practice over time. I began a journey of spirituality based in love and forgiveness, and slowly identified negative beliefs that live deep inside me, such as "I am not good enough. I’m unlovable. I’m ashamed. I’m inadequate,"
The following are examples of negative beliefs:
- I don’t deserve love;
- I am worthless;
- I cannot trust myself;
- I am a disappointment;
- I did something wrong;
- I am different;
- I deserve to be miserable;
- I am a failure;
- I should have known better;
- I am weak;
- I cannot succeed.
When negative beliefs surface It is important to ask yourself,
- “When did I start to believe this about myself?”
- How old do I feel when I have this negative belief?
- Do I feel younger, and if so, do I have any memories attached to them?
- What feelings surface?
- What sensations do you experience in your body with each thought?
- Do you feel tight, jittery, anxious, tingling?
- Are you holding your breath?
Noticing and writing down negative beliefs I attached to a situation was important.
For example, I might have shared at a (recovery) meeting and then afterwards I thought I was inadequate. My share was not good enough.
The thought led to my emotional experience of shame and a desire to hide, which was a result of my abuse.
My abuse left no room for me to evaluate myself clearly since it was a conditioned response. I began sharing in meetings about the aftermath experience of inadequacy and shame. People would come up to me in recovery meetings to tell me how much they valued what I say.
Sharing honestly about myself and getting feedback helped motivate me to look at my harsh, negative self talk.
I also wrote about each situation in which these thoughts surfaced; what the belief was and what it would be like if I believed differently, always turning it into a positive thought.
I did not suddenly believe it, of course, but the act of practicing turned a negative belief into something positive. "I am not good enough" became "I am good enough", which led to change. I also wrote about how I would feel if I attached a positive belief about myself to the situation, which helped me to create another outcome.
When someone asks me if they can change their negative thinking, my first response is, “Are you tired of your negativity and, secondly, are you willing to practice a different behavior?”
Only through repetition and practice do we change conditioning. For instance, if I were consumed with negative thinking, I would say the Serenity Prayer over and over again to disrupt the negative thoughts – “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” These words resonate with me and it is a prayer often said in recovery meetings.
At first it seemed that I frequently had to repeat this prayer, and repetition paid off because I was unwilling after time to entertain my negative self-talk. I have learned to trust that my recovery (positive) voice will intervene, so at some point I stopped.
Practicing different behaviors leads to those behaviors becoming your own. Do not wait for change to come about. Seek change by taking responsibility to do something different. Whether it is practicing a thought, a feeling, or a behavior, the act of practicing leads to change. Over time we heal.
Self-love is a spiritual journey.
Part of self love is turning away from self-destructive behaviors:
- paying attention to the nutrition I put in my body, eating for nutrition and fuel - NOT for comfort
- Accepting my limitations and not pushing myself, giving myself permission to rest.
- Asking for help when I need to rest and household chores need to be done
- Boundaries - SAY NO! I have stopped overextending myself and saying no. Without feeling guilty.
- Become mindful of your feelings. Decide that you want 100% responsibility for the ways in which you may be causing your own pain, and for creating your own peace and joy.
- Look in the mirror daily and say something positive about yourself. Not just your physical appearance. I look into your eyes and see deeper down into your soul.
- What do you long to hear? At first it can feel silly or embarrassing but the act of doing this leads to you becoming a better friend to yourself, not one that whispers in your ear all that is wrong with you, but one that appreciates you and sees the good.
- If you don’t value yourself, how will you believe that others do?
- Start practicing today – not tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 - 10 (10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest)
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