Self Love Masterclass - Day 9

Self-love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth. Self-love means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others. Self-love means not settling for less than you deserve.

Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy. It’s neither selfish, nor self-indulgent, and neither egotism, nor narcissism. Actually, egotists and narcissists don’t love themselves at all.

A “big ego” is compensation for lack of self-love. Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together). Love is an art form that takes dedication and practice, not something you win or fall into. Rather, being able to love is an ability that has to be developed. It involves effort and begins with learning to love yourself.

We have been influenced by Christian beliefs that we’re basically sinful, and thus self-love has been considered sinful. But since we are suppose to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” how can loving your neighbor be a virtue and self-love be a vice? We are part of a humanity as worthy of love as the next person. Many kind, religious people are able to love others, but unable to love themselves. They believe having a high regard for themselves is indulgent, conceited, arrogant, or selfish. The opposite is true. The greater is your love of self, the greater will be your love of others. The inverse is also true; hatred of others is indicative of self-hatred.

When you love someone, you try to understand their experience and world view, although it differs from your own. You offer your attention, respect, support, compassion, and acceptance. Your caring involves knowledge, responsibility and commitment. These virtues are not separate from each other, because love is unified. As we develop these abilities, our capacity to love ourselves and others grows.

Developing the abilities of attention and compassion require discipline and time. To learn anything requires that you desire it and find it worthy of your effort. Although self-love is certainly an important goal, our society is full of distractions, and its emphasis on speed, performance, and productivity make developing self-love a challenge. Meditation, yoga, martial arts are helpful in learning self-awareness and focusing attention.

Compassion for yourself enables you to witness your feelings, thoughts, and actions with acceptance, caring, and understanding as you would when empathizing with another. Compassion is expressed with gentleness, tenderness, and generosity of spirit – quite the opposite of self-criticism, perfectionism, and pushing oneself. When most people are stressed, overwhelmed, or exhausted, they attempt to do even more, instead of caring for themselves. If you weren’t nurtured as a child, self-nurturing can be absorbed in therapy over time. You’ll learn to integrate the acceptance and empathy offered by your therapist. Self-compassion differs from self-pity, which is a judgment about your situation or feelings. Rather than acceptance and compassion, self-pity says, “It shouldn’t be this way.”

Self-love entails faith and courage to take risks and overcome life’s setbacks and sorrows. Faith in yourself enables you to comfort yourself and face challenges and failures without lapsing into worry or judgment. You develop the ability to see yourself objectivity and know you’ll survive, despite present emotions. If you constantly seek validation and reassurance from others, you miss the opportunity to develop these internal functions.

As knowledge is per-requisite to love, spending time alone with yourself is essential to identify and listen to your feelings with sensitivity and empathy. Acquiring the ability to witness and contain your emotions are also abilities necessary for self-love.

Perhaps you’ve concluded that learning self-love isn’t easy. Look at it this way. Throughout the day, you’re confronted with many opportunities to disregard or acknowledge/embrace your feelings, to judge or to honor them, to keep commitments and be responsible to yourself, and to act in accordance with your needs, values, and feelings.

You have an opportunity to learn self-love all the time. Every time you talk yourself down, doubt yourself, exhaust yourself, dismiss your feelings or needs, or act against your values, you undermine your self-esteem. The reverse is also true. You might as well make healthier choices, because you and all your relationships will benefit.

Become mindful of your feelings. Decide that you want 100% responsibility for the ways in which you may be causing your own pain, and for creating your own peace and joy.

Assignment:

Turn off the TV, unplug from social media, and any other noise or distractions - for 15 minutes - to get centered, while moisturizing your skin slowly, with intention. As you massage your feet, thank them for getting you to where you need to go; as you moisturize your hands, love them for all the transactions and introductions they've helped you with throughout your life. For a moment, stop taking your body for granted and give yourself gratitude.

Once you are done moisturizing, sit in silence, alone for 15 minutes. Let your thoughts flow freely. Listen for your Spirit, for your Higher Power's (higher self/universe) message. Listen for a loving message. Let your Higher Power's love wrap around you. Envision sitting in your Higher Power's lap. His/Her arms wrapped around you, hugging and loving you. Unconditionally. Feel this love. You have 15 minutes to feel the connection on a deep level.